Jun
14
When I go to the movies, I normally sit somewhere in the first three rows. I have a general dislike of the average film-goer. His banal, pre-show prattle — often spoken loudly enough so the entire section of the auditorium can hear — entertains me even less than staring at a blank screen. He’s never funny, never clever, never capable of combining nouns, verbs and objects in such a manner as to create something resembling a coherent thought. Here’s something I heard last night: “It was entertaining, but I didn’t like the story.” I don’t even know how to process that bit of doublespeak.
But I’ve gone on at length about dullards who can’t hold their tongues at the movies. That’s not what this blog is about. No, last night, I encountered a new pet peeve, something that didn’t offend my ears, but my eyes. I’d decided to try something different at the ArcLight and got a balcony seat in their Cinerama Dome. It gave me a completely different vantage point. From where I sat, I couldn’t help but notice the shimmering sea of tiny blue squares sprawled out before me on the lower level of the auditorium, as dozens of folks sent text messages to their loser friends elsewhere.
It was enough to make me wish I had a slingshot, a bag of marbles and deadly accuracy. What crucial bit of information absolutely had to be conveyed via text that couldn’t have waited until the credits started to roll? I mean, I’d really appreciate it if people lined up their drug buys and booty calls on their own time, not while I’m trying desperately to squeeze some entertainment value out of “The Incredible Hulk.”
If you’re so in demand that you can’t unglue yourself from your furshlugginer Crackberry for the better part of two hours, maybe you should wait for DVD. Then you can watch it at home as you live your awesome life of sending misspelled mini-missives to your equally awesome friends and disturb only your houseplants, not me. Otherwise, you’ll make me blog angrily. You wouldn’t like me when I blog angrily.
-Brad Lohan
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