“Star Trek: The [Slow] Motion Picture” Review

I’d been contemplating a series of blogs about the “Star Trek” movies. The Royal on Santa Monica screened “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” in 70mm last week, something I’ll never forgive myself for missing. At any rate, Devin at Chud.com announced last weekend he was going to review all the Original Series episodes and the first seven “Star Trek” films during the run-up to the release of the reboot in May. Wow. And here I was going to blog about movies two, three and four, which in my opinion, are the holy trinity of Trek fillums. Devin’s totally pwned me. Oh, well. It’s going to take him forever and a day to get to the movies, so I can at least get the jump on him in that regard. I’ll even tackle the first film for S’s and G’s!

The first “Star Trek” movie was originally intended to be a relaunch of the TV series called “Star Trek: Phase II.” But after the success of “Star Wars,” Paramount decided that the franchise might be better suited for the big screen. The studio commissioned scripts from writers like Harlan Ellison — a guy who said, “I’m the writer. I don’t know what the f*** you are!” to an empty suit at the studio during a story meeting — and wooed directors like Philip Kaufman. Ellison’s script sounded ambitious as all get out, spanning all of time and space and featuring lizard people as the baddies; Kaufman meanwhile wanted to kill off the original series crew, save for Spock, whose sexuality he needlessly wanted to explore. At the end of the day, the studio settled on Alan Dean Foster’s pitch, which ultimately became “Star Trek: The Motion Picture.”

And God Almighty, it’s boring.

Directed by Robert Wise, “Star Trek: TMP” picks up several years after the end of the original series. James T. Kirk (William Shatner) has been promoted to Admiral; Spock (Leonard Nimoy) is back on Vulcan, meditating about something or other; and sporting a bushy beard and white v-necked jumpsuit, Dr. McCoy (DeForest Kelley) looks like he’s joined a 23rd Century Bee Gees cover band. At any rate, a gaseous body has munched three Klingon Birds of Prey and is currently on a collision course with Earth. Only the Enterprise — with Kirk back in the captain’s chair — can intercept the cloud before it destroys all life on our planet. If anyone’s going to obliterate the Earth, it damn well better be mankind, not some gassy alien whatsis!

Wise’s direction apes “2001″ rather than the quick-and-dirty production values of the television series. But the Kubrickian approach unfortunately slows the pacing to a crawl. In one scene, Kirk and Scotty take a shuttle to where the Enterprise is docked in Earth’s orbit, and it just goes on and on and on. I became eligibile for Social Security benefits before that part was over.

Jumping ahead a bit, when the crew finally reaches the gaseous body, they confront V’Ger, a Voyager-class satellite that was launched by NASA during the 20th century and has since become self-aware. It calls itself “V’Ger” because some dirt is covering a few letters on its hull. I find it amusing that the V’Ger has a mildly retarded form of artificial intelligence. That said, V’Ger wants to join with its creator, and the crew oblige by allowing Captain Dekker — the butt-chinned doofus who Kirk demoted when he assumed command — to make out with this bald chick who does all of V’Ger’s PR work. No, it doesn’t make any sense. The film did allow me the opportunity at one point to rhetorically ask my cat, “I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes on that bald chick.” Zing!

Miraculously, “Star Trek: TMP” grossed a pile of money upon its release. If anything, the film’s success guaranteed a sequel that would return the franchise to its roots without losing its cinematic scope.

Next: “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.”

-Brad Lohan

If you like this post, share it!