May
7
Dumb & Movie-Goer
Filed Under Movies
This happened a couple weeks ago, but I’d forgotten about it until just now. I’m beginning to think that I shouldn’t call what I do every weekend “going to the movies.” I’m not. I’m going to listen to 400 yahoos have dim-witted conversations with one another in the dark while a movie is happening. I think people hit the multiplex now to catch up on their texting or play their ’80s music ring tones for a captive audience. They especially go there to talk, and to talk loudly, much more loudly than human beings typically talk. Now I’ve heard that people are more terrified of public speaking than they are of death. Not true. Not at the flickershows, anyway. It’s become a veritable townhall meeting with overpriced popcorn and drinks.
People who are this outspokenly rude (i.e. Los Angelenos) tend to also be breathtakingly stupid, too. I call them “breathtakingly stupid” because they’ll say things — loudly, mind you — that are so shockingly dumb, they’ll take your breath away. After 7 years of Bush, these people have really come out of the woodwork, emboldened to just talk and talk and talk, thinking their ignorance is something that must be communicated to an auditorum full of disinterested strangers. These are also people who think the show “Family Guy” is the pinnacle of artistic achievement and that bumper stickers of Calvin peeing on something accurately reflect their unique worldview.
Well, two weeks ago, I went to see “Where in the World is Osama bin Laden” (read my review). I nearly lucked out and got a private screening, since the only thing people in this country hate more than keeping their damn mouths shut at the movies is a documentary that deals with complicated issues surrounding our policies in the Middle East. But right before the film began, a couple of loudmouths bumbled into the theater, and since I’m apparently the most magnetic human being short of Ian McKellen, the goofballs sat uncomfortably close to me. The trailers started and the couple just kept on chattering, compelling me to move to the very front row.
The front row can be a blessing or a curse. Modern stadium-seating theaters no longer have front rows that are so close to the screen, you’re looking up everyone’s nose. I happen to enjoy having the screen swallow up my entire field of view — particularly at the ArcLight Cinerama Dome, where the screen is concave. Most people, however, still strongly dislike the front row, leaving it relatively unpopulated and more to my liking…unless of course the movie’s sold out. Then all the late-comers will plop down on either side of me and begin their loud conversations with a lament about how close they’re sitting to the screen. Never mind they showed up 10 minutes late to a much-anticipated A-picture on opening night.
At any rate, the night I went to see “bin Laden,” the auditorium was so sparsely populated, that in the front row I was free and clear of any fashionably late jabbering spider-monkeys. Still, without several rows of heads between myself and the loudmouths I’d moved away from, I could still hear snippets of their moronic conversation as it built to a crescendo of absolute insipidness, thanks in part to the preview for “Hamlet 2.”
Now, “Hamlet 2″ is not a terribly funny title, and the trailer leads one to believe that the title is the funniest thing about it. In short, it’s one of those forgettable trailers that are front-loaded by the dozen before features these days, I think, in an effort to make what you’re seeing seem significantly better. But that’s not what’s worth noting about “Hamlet 2.” No, it’s what I heard one of the loudmouths say — without a single hint of irony — the moment the title flashed on the screen:
“There was a ‘Hamlet 1′?!”
Holy socks. I was absolutely stunned. It’s like when you read about how a large percentage of children in this country can’t find the United States on a map, or that “American Idol” is a highly-rated television show. You think to yourself, “People aren’t that retarded, are they?” But they are. They really and truly are. What’s more, they boast about it in public, like it’s not even shameful to be stupid anymore. It’s become culturally acceptable. And it’s ruining my weekly trips to the movies.
-Brad Lohan
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4 Responses to “Dumb & Movie-Goer”
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Sorry man, that was me. Didn’t think anyone else was in the theater.
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