Oct
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Sequels That Never Materialized
Filed Under Movies
In grad school we’re learning about “closed endings” — endings that are unambiguous, that pay off every set up, that basically leave no room for a friggin’ sequel. Pfft. What nonsense. Sequels are what make this country great. A sequel to “The Hangover” had been greenlit before the first film even opened. The cast of “Watchmen(?!)” are contractually obligated to appear in follow-ups. Sequels are a big hairy deal. Closed endings are for arty-farty movies like “Chinatown.” And even “Chinatown” had a sequel, “The Two Jakes.”
Studio executives know which side their bread is buttered on, and as such, most major Hollywood movies have endings that are wide open, not only suggesting a potential sequel, but guaranteeing one. These films’ll end on an image or dramatic beat that basically says, “It ain’t over yet, folks.” But what happens when the first film tanks or underperforms and the promise of a sequel is left unfulfilled? Well, then you become one of the vapor-films I’m about to make fun of below. Note that instead of using the number 2 in their titles, I decided to use the Roman numeral II because I think it’s funnier.
“Masters of the Universe II”
If you sit through the end credits of “Master of the Universe,” you’ll see Skeletor pop out of the water, break the fourth wall and tell the audience directly, “I’ll be back!” It’s been more than two decades, and Skeletor hasn’t really followed through. Looking back, though, it seems he wasn’t defeated by He-Man, but the first film’s anemic box office take as well as Cannon Film’s financial implosion. Get this: a sequel script for “MOTU” was retooled and shot as the Jean-Claude Van Damme cheapie, “Cyborg.”
“Godzilla (1998) II”
When GINO — Godzilla in Name Only to the hardcore kaiju fans — becomes tangled up in a cable bridge and is pounded with RPGs, he dies a glorious CGI death. However, in the ruins of Madison Square Garden, where all of GINO’s offspring are believed to have been destroyed, an egg hatches and a very much alive baby GINO munches the camera. Though Roland Emmerich’s thuddingly dull “Godzilla” remake went into the black, sequel plans were scrapped when it became abundantly clear that movie-goers wouldn’t be fooled again by another ad campaign that sounds like male enhancement for giant monsters: “His dinkus is the size of a tank truck! Size Does Matter AGAIN!”
“Planet of the Apes (2001) II”
What marked the beginning of the end of my enthusiasm for Tim Burton films, the reimagining of “POTA” ends with astronaut Mark Walhberg crash landing in Washington DC and laying eyes on the statue of Ape Lincoln before being arrested by a bunch of gorillas in police uniforms. Had this been the beginning of the film, I’d've been elated. Instead, it’s a twist ending for the sake of having a twist ending. And after Burton totally botched the first installment by simply doing a superficial rehash, it’s impossible for one to get excited about how he’d approach a second film. 20th Century Fox couldn’t help but agree, and sequel plans were canceled.
“Jason X, Part II”
Yes, since “Jason X” was released in 2002, there’s been “Freddy vs. Jason” and a criminally overrated “Friday the 13th” remake. But within the franchise’s shaky timeline, “Jason X” is still set centuries after the events of the subsequent films. And so, it would’ve been kind of neat to see the cybernetic Uber-Jason tear-assing his way across the utopian Earth 2. See, in the future, even planets are sequelized!
“Superman Returns II”
Perhaps the biggest letdown of them all has been the fact that “Superman Returns” didn’t breathe new life into a moribund comic book franchise like “Batman Begins” had the previous year. Granted, the first film spends way too much time place-setting and introducing needless character development, like Lois Lane’s fiance and Superman’s illegitimate son. Worse, Kate Bosworth is uniquely unsuited for the role of a dowdy and youngish Lois. That said, Brandon Routh’s equally bland in the dual roles of Superman and Clark Kent. But dammit, any “Superman” sequel is better than no “Superman” sequel.
I’m absolutely certain I’ll think of a dozen more movies that set up sequels which never came to pass. See what I did right there? I just set up a sequel of my own.
-Brad Lohan
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