Boy, I Suck at LEGO Batman

This is a kids’ game, right? Because last night, I used quite a bit of adult language while playing the new LEGO Batman game on PS2. I unleashed such an unholy amount of obscenity, my cat turned blue. But it’s still kinda fun. I know I’m looking forward to playing it some more this evening with the presidential debates on in the background.

I sort of lamented the glut of LEGO-themed video games a couple months ago. It seemed dystopic to me that Nintendo and all the rest have begun absorbing so many different kinds of children’s activities. Sports games are one thing. Most kids will never be professional athletes. Sumo wrestling has simply not caught on here in the States, so most 200-pound adolescents should quit chasing that dream. Still, I felt it was outrageous that boys and girls aren’t physically playing with Legos anymore. Rather, they’re letting their video game consoles create their imaginary worlds for them.

All that being said, I’m almost 30 and haven’t played with Legos in forever. So who cares if I have LEGO Batman? There, I almost successfully talked my way out of sounding like a total hypocrite. Now let’s talk about the game.

I haven’t gotten very far. One of the game’s selling points is that you can not only play as Batman and Robin, but you can also be the villains. Well, you have to unlock the villains first, something they don’t tell you. It’s all well and good to play a level or two as the Dynamic Duo, but dammit, I want to be Two-Face. I want to be Clayface. I want to be…Killer Moth! However, I have to slog through these levels as the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder before I can go back and do it all over again as Scarecrow or Poison Ivy.

One thing that’s a plus about the game is you apparently have an infinite number of lives. You’re given a power meter — measured in hearts — but it’s meaningless. You die and come back immediately. It’s helpful when you can’t figure out how in the hell you’re you’re supposed to kill Mr. Freeze. Man alive, that level brought me to the brink of insanity. And that’s just the second level.

I’m astonished by how difficult the game is. The puzzles are unbelievably esoteric. I felt like a damn genius when I figured out some of the head-scratchers in “God of War.” When it comes to LEGO Batman, I feel like John McCain when it comes to the economy. I’ve got no idea what’s going on more often than not.

Apparently, you can destroy almost everything in Gotham City — lamp posts, fire hydrants, trees. Sometimes you have to destroy something like a dumpster in order to rebuild it as a vehicle or whatnot. Yes, in the game, you can put together Legos.

I skip the cinematics between levels. For whatever reason in this game, the characters communicate like Cro-Magnons. They grunt and gesticulate. It’s stunningly annoying. Tobey Maguire voiced Spider-Man for the movie tie-in games. Sean Connery voiced James Bond for “From Russia With Love.” For LEGO Batman, I don’t know who’s doing all the grunting, but I doubt it’s Adam West and Burt Ward.

I’ve been wanting a new Batman game and was disappointed by the news that there isn’t going to be a “Dark Knight” tie-in. I know there’s some sort of Batman game on the horizon, and not that Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comics crapola, either. But, it’s probably only going to be available on the next-gen consoles. The best I can do for now is LEGO Batman. It’s not a great game. It’s palatable. I think I’m getting better at it or at least adjusting to how maddening it can be. At the end of the day, you might just be better off getting a box of Legos.

-Brad Lohan

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