Jul
20
One thing that used to really irritate me when I worked at a movie house was how customers — I’ll never call them the euphemism “guests,” since I never invited them — seemed to be extremely conflicted about what to buy from the concession stand. More than likely, whatever goodies they ended up getting weren’t going to be their last meal. But these idiots would put more thought into it than buying a house or a car. And almost invariably, two hours later, I’d be drafted to clean the empty auditorium and discover that most of customers ate about three bites of whatever it was they ultimately did settle on.
Like I said, I found this really irritating as an employee behind the concession stand. Nowadays, it’s really, really irritating to be customer myself, stuck waiting in line behind one of these indecisive simpletons, or worse, a whole pack of ‘em. L.A. traffic being what it is, I tend to arrive at the theater with no time to waste before the trailers start. I like to grab a popcorn and a soda to go with the eye-candy I’m about to watch. I know this before I even get in line. I know this because it’s what I always get. It’s simple, uncomplicated and a transaction that takes less than a minute…unless the cashier has to swipe my debit card a second time.
You’d think that most people at the movies have probably been at one time or another in the past. Maybe they don’t go as often as I do, but still, you’d think they’ve previously experimented with different combinations of popcorn, soda and candy — perhaps even developed a taste for a certain size, flavor or brand. Nope. Either these half-wits have never eaten junk food before, though their waistlines tell a different story, or they’re simply on this planet to drive me into a blind rage.
See, I have this theory. It’s pretty wild, so brace yourself. This theory I have is that if I get in the shortest line, I won’t have to wait terribly long to get to the front of it. However, if I’m standing behind someone who puts more brainpower into a decision involving overpriced snacks than millions of Americans did into getting sub-prime loans, my theorem goes right out the window. The longer lines on either side of me will shrink away, and there I’ll be, waiting endlessly for Mr. Magoo ahead of me to make up his damn mind about a medium or large soda.
It’s even worse when you have to get in a long line because there’s not a single short line, and the person right in front of you, the one who’s been waiting even longer than you have, will not have war-gamed his order before reaching the counter. His internal struggle over Raisinets or Milk Duds will not even begin until he’s asked by the concessionaire just want in the hell he wants. If it’s a couple, or three or more people, then grab a chair. You’re going to be there awhile.
I guess I could smuggle in food like some people do and bypass the concession stand altogether. I just think movie theater popcorn tastes better than that crap you make in the microwave; microwaveable popcorn is meant to be strung up around a Christmas tree, not ingested. I also don’t wear baggy enough clothes to conceal much on my person. Of course, I don’t need to eat anything at all during a movie. But it’s part of the experience. I can’t let some morons who’ve clearly never made a decision before in their lives diminish my good time at the movies. I just wish they’d wait until the movie starts to turn their brains off.
-Brad Lohan
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