“Meteor” not only brought an end to the waning popularity of disaster movies in the ’70s, but its box office failure apparently bankrupted American International Pictures, FTW. As far as I’m concerned, any movie in which Sean Connery delivers this line, “Why don’t you stick a broom up my ass? I can sweep the carpet on the way out,” belongs on a goddamn AFI list for the 100 Best Sean Connery Zingers.

“Meteor,” as you may have guessed, is about a piece of space debris — one about the size of Bruce Willis’ ego (i.e. five miles wide) — that’s on a collision course with the planet Earth. Connery plays Dr. Paul Bradley, a former NASA scientist who developed an orbital platform that can launch nukes at any chunk of rock hurtling towards our planet. However, Dr. Bradley left NASA when his project, dubbed Hercules, was redesigned by the U.S. military, and the missiles were trained on the Soviet Union instead. Now an actual meteor is heading for Earth, and the government desperately needs Dr. Bradley to help them reconfigure Hercules to do what it was originally intended to. Oh, and they need to ask the USSR if they’ll be so kind as to use their own version of Hercules for the same purpose. Uncharacteristically, the U.S. doesn’t have enough nuclear firepower to do the job alone. This is what happens under the Henry Fonda Administration. The country goes straight to hell.

One problem I have with disaster films is that they have so many A-listers and so little time. Natalie Wood shows up incredibly late in the film as a Russian translator and Dr. Bradley’s love interest. (Fun fact: Connery hooked up with Wood’s bosomy sister, Lana, in his penultimate turn as James Bond, 1971’s “Diamonds Are Forever.”) “Meteor” runs less than two hours, so most of the stars aren’t given a hell of a lot of do beyond lending their famous names to an Irwin Allen wannabe. Also, by virtue of the fact that the disaster is impending, the movie is kind of one long waiting game. Splinters of the meteor come crashing down late in the second act, including one that takes out the WTC, but the middle section of the film is a slog. We get lots of scenes of people being curt with one another.

The climax involves Dr. Bradley leading a group of people to safety through what appears to be a mudslide in a NYC subway tunnel after a splinter of meteor crashes down on top of their heads. It’s kind of a weird ending for a movie called “Meteor.” I was hoping we’d get to see Connery dressed up like an astronaut at some point during the proceedings. Rather, we get a mud-caked Connery. Bullshit.

How does “Meteor” stack up against that theatrically-released telefilm, “‘Deep Impact,” and Michael Bay’s theatrically-released commercial for massive-scale destruction, “Armageddon?” Well, all three are weak sauce for different reasons. But only “Meteor” has the broom-up-the-ass line. So it edges out the competition by a whisker.

-Brad Lohan

Anyone who does not want “Remember Me” spoiled for them, Robert Pattinson’s character dies on 9/11. I mean, don’t read the previous sentence. Oh, snap. Isn’t that the greatest spoiler you’ve ever read? That’s better than Will Smith committing suicide in a bathtub with a jellyfish in “Seven Pounds.”

Can 9/11 kill a vampire, though? This is a “Twilight” vampire we’re talking about here. They’re tough hombres. They can go outside during the day and sparkle like children’s toothpaste. I’m pretty sure they can survive practically anything.

So does this mean I’m going to see “Remember Me?” Pfft, fuggedaboutit.

-Brad Lohan

But I don’t like weenises. Movie heroes have become too sissified. I’m working on a script for class with a tough guy hero and was trying to think of research materials (i.e. comic books) I could review with a character whose values jibe with my protag. It occurred to me that Jim Steranko’s “Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD” is probably my best bet. And that title was published in the ’60s. Jeesus Kerist! I have to go that far back in time to find flinty heroes for inspiration?

That isn’t to say I think movie heroes should be brutes. Some of my favorite movie characters are deeply troubled. Marty McFly desperately needs to avoid his future mother’s advances and set up his would-be parents before he’s erased from existence in “Back to the Future.” But despite his having to play cupid, he’s still a courageous and resourceful hero, punching out Biff Tannen (who’s twice his size) before leading him on a chase through Hill Valley on a makeshift skateboard. Nowadays, Marty’d probably be some metro candyass who resolves his problems with an elaborate musical number.

John McClane, before he turned into a boring bald-headed killing machine, appears in the first “Die Hard” as a New York cop with a bruised ego. After a long-gestating row with his wife over her career, he has to kill his way through a dozen international terrorists to apologize for not being supportive.

Martin Riggs in “Lethal Weapon I” is a suicidal wreck after the death of his wife. It’s only after befriending his partner, family man Roger Murtaugh (and killing a bunch of ex-CIA drug smugglers), that he is able to move on to the next stage of his bereavement: acceptance.

The Terminator in “T2″ is an unemotional walking tank who learns the value of human life that comes from his interactions of his surrogate son, John Connor.

These are terrific movie heroes because they’re steely sonsabitches, but they’re not completely devoid of inner-conflict. There’s a happy medium between strong and sensitive. I think that’s somehow been lost, and now the cinemas are teeming with mopey, emo dinkuses. It makes for weak sauce cinema. Movie heroes are supposed to be larger than life, not your everyday schmoes.

Anyone who goes to see “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” deserves to get beaten up, and anyone who watches “She’s Out of My League” should die a virgin. It’s time for a tough guy renaissance.

-Brad Lohan

No, it’s a piece of shit.

The film isn’t horrible, but it isn’t good either. Movies that are so very middle-of-the-road are difficult to review because I have a hard time forming an opinion about them one way or the other. As such, I tend rank average or “meh-worthy” films alongside the crap movies I truly hated. I’d never give a two-star review of anything. It’s either a great movie or the filmmakers shouldn’t have even bothered. Home video and cable TV have created a niche market for mediocre films and filmmakers to limp along rather that fade into obscurity. Movie fans, for esoteric reasons I find baffling, will often subject themselves to ho-hum dung heaps when they become available on Netflix or On Demand? Why? Hell if I know. I’m trying to break the habit of seeing virtually everything in an effort to keep up with the zeitgeist. The fact “Cop Out” exists — and that people went to see it at midnight last night! — proves to me that the zeitgeist needs to have some taste bitch-slapped into it.

Even so, I still catch the occasional misfire like “The Crazies” and wonder just what the stink everyone else found to like about it.

In the film, Timothy Olyphant plays Sheriff David, whose last name I don’t think is spoken once in the film. I don’t care enough to look it up on IMDb, so I’m going to call him Sheriff David. At any rate, Sheriff David is a folksy, small-town lawman in Ogden Marsh, IA. He’s married to the local doctor, Mrs. Sheriff David (Radha Mitchell), and manages to find the the time to attend high school baseball games while on duty. Odgen Marsh is one of those sleepy, one stoplight towns that’s so boring, even the town drunk’s been on the wagon for two years now. But when the town drunk stumbles onto the baseball diamond while toting a shotgun, Sheriff David smokes that fool, and the quiet little community slowly becomes unhinged due to some virus that’s gotten into the town’s water supply.

The military — the sort of go-to villain in disaster/horror pictures like these — comes rolling in, and faceless troops in haz-mat suits become the stuff of every Libertarian’s worst nightmares, herding the sick into quarantine zones at the point of a gun. Sheriff David, Mrs. Sheriff David and Sheriff David’s Deputy manage to escape and try to make it to the next town undetected. Mrs. Sheriff David is pregnant, which gives the film a tension-building device called a “ticking clock;” unfortunately, it appears to be a nine-month ticking clock because Radha Mitchell has the body of a yoga instructor in this film. The visual shorthand for establishing a super-skinny woman in a movie is pregnant but doesn’t look it is to have her significant other lovingly place his hand on her stomach during a tender moment.

The zombified “crazies” in the movie pop up every now and then, but it’s never established what they’re deal is. They’re slower and less vicious than the infected in “28 Days Later” and far fewer in number than the ghouls in the “Night of the Living Dead” pictures. That makes them not terribly scary.

There’s exactly one clever kill in the whole movie. It involves a guy with a knife stabbed through his hand grabbing someone by the throat. But for the most part, the crazies die like any normal human by taking a bullet to the torso. Part of the fun of movies like this should be the spectacular levels of carnage. “The Crazies,” though, is fairly unremarkable when it comes to splatter. What a gyp.

Director Breck Eisner, son of former Disney CEO Michael, doesn’t seem like a good fit for the material. The movie is fairly interchangeable with any other recent horror pic with elements borrowed from Zack Snyder’s vastly overrated remake of “Dawn of the Dead” as well as Alexandre Aja’s moderately overrated remake of “Hills Have Eyes.” When you’re aping bits from crummy remakes, you’ve really got to reevaluate your directorial vision. Steal big, is what I’m saying.

I wasn’t crazy about “The Crazies.” Oh, it could’ve been way worse, but it also could’ve been a hell of a lot better. I simply don’t get what other people liked so much about the film. Don’t believe that crazy-talk.

-Brad Lohan

Now granted, Johnny Depp was on “21 Jump Street” early in his career, so leaping the chasm from syndicated teen soap to mega-stardom isn’t completely out of the question. But it is rare. And Marvel Studios can ill afford a movie that flops because its universe is so intertwined. Casting a dumb bohunk as Cap will not only preclude further installments of their “Captain America” film franchise, but it’ll also put the “Avengers” crossover film in jeopardy. Blank slate Brandon Routh was one of the many problems with “Superman Returns.” As such, the movie failed to ignite a new franchise.

I’ve had my doubts about “First Avenger: Captain America” from the start. I mean, it’s called “First Avenger: Captain America.” What a shit title. Is there something wrong with just calling it “Captain America?” What’s more, Joe Johnston’s directing. Johnston’s not much of a director, all things considered. Fanboys hail “The Rocketeer” as a pulpy good time. It’s enjoyable, I guess. It also bombed during its brief theatrical run nearly two decades ago. Johnston’s latest film, however, is the sucktacular “Wolfman,” which spent ages in post-production because it was a dog.

I held out hope that the casting might convince me this film isn’t going to be a total fiasco. Now I’m pretty certain I’ll find something wrong with about everything related to the movie. Thing is, I like Captain America as a character and would love to see a fun, jingoistic comic book war picture with the Star-Spangled Avenger kicking all manner of Nazi ass. But I’m concerned that Marvel’s going to drop the ball on this and that the success of “Iron Man” was just a happy accident.

-Brad Lohan

Warner Bros. isn’t about to give up on creating a viable film franchise out of Superman, though. I think much of that has to do with the fact they’re in danger of the rights to the character reverting to Jerry Siegel’s estate if they don’t get something off the ground by 2012. And so, the studio’s taking another stab at Supes by hiring David S. Goyer, co-writer of “Batman Begins” and “The Dark Knight,” to script “The Man of Steel.”

From what I’m reading, this will not be a reboot, thank Krypton. The film will begin in medias res. My most despised of narrative crutches — the origin film — is going to be skipped entirely in favor of, hey, telling an actual story that isn’t two hours of exposition. Frankly, if you can’t set up a story world in your first act, you shouldn’t be making movies.

I’m curious to see how this shakes out. Warner Bros. doesn’t really seem to get Superman, and as such, has hired scads of filmmakers with the wrong sensibilities to develop projects that don’t go anywhere. David Goyer’s a geek but might be a little dark for Supes. One tired meme I often read about Superman is that he’s a boy scout. I don’t think this is entirely accurate. Superman has a lot of interesting potential for a character. Where people lament that he can pretty much do anything and is virtually invulnerable, they seem to neglect the things Superman can’t do, like solve real-world problems (war, famine, disease, poverty, the Tea Party movement) or feel completely at home in his adopted world, being an alien from outer space. A villain who personifies some issue Superman can’t simply defeat with brute strength and a love interest who swoons over only one of his dual identities creates plenty of narrative potential for a character. I just hope they don’t make him brooding and emo and pour him into a black costume. At the end of the day, Superman should embody the sense of idealism we seem to have become too cynical to embrace.

-Brad Lohan

I think I’m going to skip the new “Alice in Wonderland” movie entirely, so when people ask me if I’ve seen “Alice in Wonderland,” my response will be, “Yes and no.”

When I was a young ‘un, “Alice in Wonderland,” the original 1951 version, was one of those movies that I watched approximately a billion times. As an undergrad in film school, I dreamed of someday remaking the movie because I was heavily medicated at the time and prone to delusions; I also wanted to try my hand at adapting “Watchmen” as a 12-part HBO series, FTW.

The unwritten law in Hollywood is that whatever idea I have, regardless of how crappy, will ultimately be realized by someone else in a way that I find wholly inadequate. I submit to you Tim Burton’s take on “Alice in Wonderland” as an example of this strange phenomenon. Is there really anything about this movie that demands I see it? The answer is no. It’s a movie that exists solely as a marketing gimmick, from Tim Burton’s brand equity to Johnny Depp’s star power to its being in 3D. “Alice in Wonderland” in and of itself is apparently not a strong enough selling point from Disney’s perspective, so they’ve repackaged it with a director who hasn’t made a good movie in over a decade, an actor whose schtick is becoming tiresome and an added dimension that’s already begun to wear itself thin.

It should be noted that “Alice in Wonderland” was not shot in 3D. Rather, the film was 3D’d up in post-production, which in my opinion is an inferior way of making a 3D movie. “Avatar” and “Friday the 13th: Part 3D” are films that were shot in 3D, and they’re immersive as hell. “A Nightmare Before Christmas” was shot in 2D, but now a 3D version makes the rounds every Halloween in limited release. I find the 3D presentation fairly mediocre in “Nightmare” because it simply wasn’t designed to be that kind of a picture. The forthcoming “Clash of the Titans” is also being 3D’d up in post. Hollywood’s doing their damndest to exhaust people’s interest in 3D as quickly as possible, aren’t they? Studios says its to combat piracy, but I think a better way to do that is by making films people want to see in the theater.

I’ve been at odds with myself over Tim Burton as a filmmaker for the better part of the last decade. He hasn’t really done anything challenging or remarkable in what seems like forever. It’s been one damn remake after another: “Planet of the Apes,” “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” and now “Alice in Wonderland.” Oh, wait, I forgot. “Alice in Wonderland” is a sequel, not a remake. Burton’s clearly stretching himself for the first time in years. Yes, he has a singular vision, but seeing him apply it to existing properties and not something of his own creation seems lazy and uninspired. There’s nothing personal about his movies anymore. He’s not passionate about this material. He’s simply spinning his wheels.

Also, can I point how how ugly the characters in “Alice in Wonderland” are? Depp’s Mad Hatter in particular looks like he’d be right at home on the PeopleOfWalMart.com. Helena Bonham Carter’s Red Queen resembles those caricatures that self-loathing tourists have done of themselves at Disneyland. On the other hand, Anne Hathaway’s easy on the eyes, but apart from her, I don’t want to see the rest of this freak show in three dimensions.

And so, I’m going to avoid “Alice in Wonderland” entirely. I’m not going to see it in theaters, nor will I bother with it on video. It’s Disney at their most shamefully cash-grabbing. What’s next for them, dusting off “Captain EO” in the wake of Michael Jackson’s death? Oh, wait. Well, at least that was shot for 3D.

-Brad Lohan

I somehow bullshitted my girlfriend into seeing “Human Centipede,” and I’m more than a little surprised she’s still talking to me. I’ve stomached some pretty staggering examples of the “body horror” subgenre. Even so, I was grossed out by this pic. None of the “Hostel” or “Saw” films really hold a candle to this. Those are straightforward gorefests. “Human Centipede” doesn’t wade around in graphic violence and rather spends more time on the psychological horror of waking up and finding your face stapled to someone else’s butt. I think it’s a stronger film because of it.

Dieter Laser, an actor with probably the best name ever bestowed upon a human being, plays Dr. Heiter, a crazed German surgeon who once specialized in separating Siamese twins. Now he’s obsessed with sticking people together. Although his initial experiments with his Rottweiler “three-dog” end in failure, he kidnaps three tourists — BFFs Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlyn Yennie) and a young Japanese man named Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura) — and tries again. The end result is the human centipede of the title, Siamese triplets linked by their digestive and excretory systems.

You know how they say there’s no such thing as an original idea? They have clearly never seen “Human Centipede.”

This is an audience movie. I attended a sold-out show hosted by Cinefamily, and the communal experience was part of the fun. This is a blackly comic movie. The level of absurdity here is so staggering, you’ve got to laugh at times. Laser’s performance as Dr. Heiter is on the level of Peter Cushing’s manic brilliance in the Hammer “Frankenstein” pictures, and Kitamura’s turn as Katsuro is a study in why I love subtitles.

I can see a strong cult building around this movie. I hope so, anyway. It succeeds at what it sets out to do. From what I’ve been reading, a sequel’s in the works, “Human Centipede: Full Sequence.” The next one apparently will have twelve people linked together. The mind reels.

-Brad Lohan

“Shutter Island” was originally slated to open last October, but Paramount bumped it back to February for whatever reason. Studios have a tendency to prolong the inevitable when it comes to bombs. Look at how Universal kicked “The Wolfman” down the road for years before dumping it last weekend. My prediction is that “Shutter Island” will have a respectable opening and then tumble in its second weekend as word-of-mouth gets out that it’s an incomprehensible bore. It takes over two hours to reach a conclusion that’s telegraphed by the trailer, a trailer that’s seemingly been omnipresent in theaters for months and months now.

If I never hear the line, “We are duly appointed federal marshals,” in a shitty Boston accent again, it will be too soon.

Leonardo DiCaprio, who’s still desperately trying to make it through puberty, plays Teddy Daniels — a duly appointed federal marshal! He’s been dispatched to investigate the disappearance of a lunatic who escaped from the booby hatch on the titular island. During his investigation, he meets creepy headshrinkers and barrel chested guards, has flashbacks, follows up leads that don’t really amount to a hell of a lot, has dreams, grapples with bald and battered inmates, dreams about flashbacks and flashes back to dreams he had. It’s endless.

I almost never get up to go to the bathroom during a movie, but I’d had two Newcastles and I was completely lost watching this film. So I ducked out of the auditorium for a couple minutes to shake hands with the unemployed. Along the way, I had a WWII flashback, dreamed of my wife who’d died in a fire, and had visions of my daughter. I splashed water in my face and told myself to get it together. Then I returned to the auditorium, where Leo was still climbing rocks and making scrunched up faces during lengthy scenes of info-dump. I began doubting my own sanity. Was I really watching a bad Scorsese movie?

Again, the script is what ruins it. Screenwriter Laeta Kalogridis (whose name I spelled correctly on the first try, FTW) obviously tried to remain faithful to Dennis Lehane’s novel when she adapted it for the screen. As such, the pacing is uneven, there are too many characters/flashbacks/subplots that go nowhere, and the ending doesn’t really work. I’m currently taking an adaptation class. In fact, I’d just gotten out of said class when I went to see the film last night. A solid psychological thriller could’ve been gleaned from the source material by simply trimming away all the fat from the book, especially the second act twist that sinks the final third of the film.

It drives me crazy, wondering what “Shutter Island” could’ve been.

-Brad Lohan

It should probably come as no surprise that Universal is rebooting the “American Pie” theatrical franchise. The studio has been knocking out DTV sequels at a geometric rate for the past few years now. Considering that “Miss March” and “College” and “Fired Up” were all theatrically-released films, you’ve got to really wonder how truly goddamn bad a teen sex comedy has to be to go straight-to-video.

Now, don’t think I’m a stick in the mud when it comes to teen sex comedies. I love the criminally unappreciated “Sex Drive” and have encouraged a number of friends to seek out that little gem of a film. But does the world need another “American Pie” in theaters or on video? Hasn’t Judd Apatow’s explosion of coming-of-age movies for man-children (“40-Year-Old Virgin,” “Knocked Up,” etc.) forced sex comedies to grow up a bit? These days, the gags are less about embarrassing sexual or scatological predicaments and now are more character-driven. The fact that “Sex Drive” couldn’t find an audience outside of yours truly and those three crappy movies I mentioned in the previous paragraph bombed resoundingly is evidence that the Wayans Brothers have sated movie-goers’ appetites for semen and shit for the time being. We’re good. Let’s move on to something else.

-Brad Lohan