Why Is Everything I Like Being Turned into a Musical?

Filed Under Culture

I’m not musically inclined. I can’t sing or dance or play any instruments. I like music okay. I think my taste is probably questionable at times. I generally dislike people who are really into music because they’re the biggest goddamn snobs in the entire known universe. I don’t go to live shows or concerts because it’s where the goddamn snobs congregate and compare notes on how snobby they’re going to be about some new act that’ll never break out because the music industry hates the goddamn snobs even more than I do. That isn’t to say major record labels take me into account when signing new talent. The popularity of shitty rap-rock bands like Linkin Park and trash television like “American Idol” is irrefutable evidence that major record labels are in fact terrorist organizations operating within the United States.

I’m just simply not as enthusiastic about music as I am about movies. What about movie musicals? Well, I prefer them when they’re cartoons. When some goofball breaks into a song during a live action film, I find that odd. “Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street” would’ve been a much pacier film had it not stopped dead every five friggin’ minutes so people could do another half-assed musical number. That’s probably not the best example of a movie musical, but it is the last one I saw. I think if I had to pick my favorite musical, it’d have to be “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” It’s the only one I own on DVD that isn’t an animated film like “Aladdin” or whatever.

Anyway, what about a movie that’s not a musical but it’s inexplicably turned into a musical? This is a phenomenon that boggles my mind. Recently I’ve heard about “Evil Dead: The Musical,” “The Toxic Avenger: The Musical,” and “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark,” which is opening on Broadway next February. Universal Studios Hollywood is opening a musical “Creature From the Black Lagoon” show in July. For years they tried to make a Batman musical. Who the hell thinks any of the material lends itself to a stage musical? It’s like no idea is too stupid. Or producers simply think the novelty of slapping the words “The Musical” onto some non-musical property is all it takes to breathe new life into it.

Granted, “The Phantom of the Opera” was originally a silent film that was successfully reimagined as a musical. I’m not sure why it wasn’t reimagined as an opera, but that is neither here nor there. At any rate, the musical version of “Phantom” has become a juggernaut and eclipsed the 1925 Lon Chaney film’s popularity. Unfortunately, the damn thing has convinced every joker with an MFA in Theatre that shoehorning a few gimmicky songs into a genre work is all it takes to make a musical. But why? Fans of “The Evil Dead” aren’t necessarily the same crowd that flocks to “Wicked” or “Mama Mia!” I sure as shit wouldn’t be caught dead at either of those two forms of torture.

I think that a musical should begin its life as…a musical. I mean, if stage producers desperately want to bring Spider-Man to the stage — a truly retarded idea to begin with — they should avoid the temptation to tack on some crummy U2 songs and simply retell Spidey’s origins as a theatrical production. I guess the songs are supposed to distract people from the fact that Spider-Man’s amazing adventures are somewhat limited by the venue. But who is the audience? I wouldn’t go to see a Spider-Man musical for the songs, and musical lovers wouldn’t go for Spider-Man. It’s absurd. Besides, Spider-Man should be some sort of Cirque Du Soleil thing.

Did I mention I’m not really a fan of Cirque Du Soleil, either?

-Brad Lohan

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