“Cthulhu” Reviewlhu

Filed Under Movies

The scariest thing about the film “Cthulhu” is that it was released. A Lovecraftian tale by way of New Queer Cinema, it’s interesting on a conceptual level. A gay man returns to his hometown where he discovers his family is part of a Cthulhu-worshipping cult. But the level of incompetence director Dan Gildark brings to the proceedings is enough to make Uwe Boll look like a misunderstood genius.

And Tori Spelling’s in it.

When you watch a movie like this, you have to wonder if the people who made it had ever seen a movie before, or a TV show, or any type of media with a visual component. The cinematography is heavy on coverage — dimly-lit, poorly framed cowboy shots. Close-ups are clumsy and the screen direction is all over the place. There’s no lead room. People are talking to the side of the screen or awkwardly falling out of frame. The rejection of technique is almost elevated to an art form.

The visual treatment is just as thrown together as the story. Jason Cottle plays Russ, a history professor in a chemo wig, whose mother’s passing brings him back to some podunk town in the Pacific Northwest. He’s estranged from his father, a cult leader and worshipper of the Old Ones. Russ’ homosexuality buggers up his father’s plans to have a grandson and summon a bunch of shambling zombies from the ocean. So Tori Spelling’s character drugs Russ and rapes him. I am not kidding.

What’s more, Cthulhu is not in the film.

Let me repeat that for the cheap seats. There is no Cthulhu in a movie called “Cthulhu.”

There is a driving scene where some chow mein flies past Russ’ windshield. It’s never explained what the chow mein is exactly. I actually wanted to know more about the chow mein.

It was not my idea to see this film. A friend of mine — and a diehard H.P. Lovecraft fan — insisted we go. She even wore a Cthulhu t-shirt. Her shirt was scarier than the movie.

Eff you, “Cthulhu!”

-Brad Lohan

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