Feb
27
Yes, “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li” Opens Today!
Filed Under Movies, Video Games | 1 Comment
A friend of mine, one who doesn’t read my blog regularly, used to be in Kristin Kreuk’s orbit. She was unhealthily obsessed with the TV show “Smallville,” and Allison Mack’s character, Chloe, in particular. She wasn’t as a big fan of Kreuk’s Lana Lang, but in a bizarre turn of events, she ultimately ended up working on a project with both actresses. It was every creepy uber-fan’s dream come true. At any rate, when she told me a year or so ago that Kristin Kreuk had been cast as Chun-Li in a reboot of the “Street Fighter” film franchise, one that never really took off to begin with, I thought she was just pulling my chain.
I had no idea any studio would actually throw money at a remake of “Street Fighter.” This isn’t the Sonny Chiba “Street Fighter” we’re talking about, either. No, this is a film adaptation of the video game. Movies based on video games are unique in that none of them ever come anywhere close to being good. You’d think that one might be good by accident. I’ve seen more of them than I should have, and they all suck. Some are watchable. But watchability is far from quality.
There’s a puzzling dichotomy between video games and their movie adaptations. Most video games are loaded with cutscenes that play like movie clips; I usually skip that horseshit so I can continue annihilating zombies. As such, video games have ironically become more cinematic than their film adaptations, which always come up short on story and scope. Although movies are now more like video games and video games are now more like movies, there remains some disconnect between the two media. Much of that has to do with the “talent” video game adaptations attract: Paul W.S. Anderson, Uwe Boll and Uwe Boll and Uwe Boll.
Andrzej Bartkowiak directed “Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li,” and if you can pronounce his name, you have my undying admiration. I thought for a moment that he had also been the DP on “Pulp Fiction,” but that was Andrzej Sekula. They are in fact — ahem — opposite Poles.
I hope this film does something positive for Kristin Kreuk’s career, like convince her that peddling autographs on the convention circuit is actually less reprehensible than being in a movie based on a Super Nintendo game. A friend of mine would very likely attend one of those signings.
-Brad Lohan
Feb
13
Minutemen Video Game
Filed Under Fanwank, Movies, Video Games | Leave a Comment
Having grown up on side-scrolling beat ‘em up video games, I got a kick out of the “Minutemen” arcade game that’s now online. It’s a fun little bit of viral marketing for “Watchmen,” which is now less than a month away from release. For those of you who haven’t read the graphic novel, the Minutemen were a team of WWII-era crimefighters.
In the game, you can play as either the original Silk Spectre or the original Nite-Owl and repeatedly deliver kicks to the man-parts of hoodlums before coming face-to-face with Moloch, who throws syringes or something at you. He’s laughably easy to beat for an end of level boss. Still, the blocky, archaic brilliance of the game makes me nostalgic for the old arcade cabinets you used to see in pizza parlors and convenience stores.
I only wish the game would’ve had unlockable characters like the ill-fated Crimebusters, particularly Rorschach or the Comedian.
-Brad Lohan
Jan
2
“Resident Evil: Degeneration” Review
Filed Under Movies, Video Games | 3 Comments
I bought a PlayStation my sophomore year of college. I already had an N64, but that console didn’t support the “Resident Evil” series. This was the late-’90s, a period when it was still socially acceptable to like “Star Wars” and everyone seemed to have a pager — well, everyone but me. At the time, zombie movies were a relic of a bygone era. I was nonetheless a fan of the genre and thought that “Resident Evil: The Director’s Cut” on the original PS1 deck was like a zombie movie but better; it was a playable zombie movie.
The “Resident Evil” games have a very cinematic feel to them and not just because of the cutscenes with their laughable z-grade voice acting. No, the in-game action — with its Hitchcockian camera angles, the noticeable absence of music and spook-a-blast atmosphere — is different from most third-person shooters. It’s an interactive movie rather than a video game.
So while most college students were out contracting gonorrhea, I was beating back ghouls who’d been infected with the T-virus. On a side note, if you ever run a Google search of the keyword “gonorrhea” to make sure you spelled it correctly, whatever you do, DO NOT click on the “Images” link; I won’t sleep for days. But I digress.
There have been three live-action and outstandingly stupid “Resident Evil” films to date. Each movie radically departs from the source material — in the first installment the big bad is a computer, not some horribly mutated beastie — and it simply reeks of the lamentable Paul W.S. Anderson’s involvement. Even the presence of my favorite super-skinny Ukrainian, Milla Jovovich, and her often displayed lady-parts barely make the trilogy worth watching. I mean, talk about tits on a bore.
At any rate, last October an all-CGI “Resident Evil” film — subtitled “Degeneration” — was released in Japan. The movie was apparently a “box office smash,” according to an advertisement I saw in a comic book recently. So when it landed on DVD this week Stateside, I gave it a rent.
I’d seen a trailer for the film online a few months ago and was impressed. The animation wasn’t exactly on par with “Beowulf,” but the concept (zombies overtake an airport) seemed like the kind of suvival horror that was sorely lacking from the Paul W.S. Anderson misfires.
“Degeneration” is better than the live-action entries, though I was horrified to discover that the airport infestation only takes up the first third of the movie. It was, however, refreshing to see that Claire Redfield and Leon Kennedy — both of whom I’ve led to the slaughter numerous times in the video games — are major characters. The plot is super-confusing, which is also true of the source material. A montage of news clips at the beginning try to explain all the goings-on after the destruction of Raccoon City, where the original outbreak took place, and how the Umbrella Corporation (the designers of the T-virus) went bankrupt, and there’s some rogue nation, and blah, blah, blah. I couldn’t follow it.
There are really only three bits of exposition needed to kickstart a zombie movie:
1) Zombies eat human flesh.
2) To stop them, you must shoot them in the head.
3) If you’re bitten by a zombie, you’re going to become a zombie.
It’s really not that complicated. “Resident Evil: Degeneration” devotes way too much time to corrupt politicians and double-dealing businessmen and not nearly enough time to moaning, shambling walking corpses getting blown to pieces. To its credit, the film does at least feel like a montage of cutscenes from the game, which I believe is the point. It’s not really as gory as I’d expected. I think “Beowulf” — even the PG-13 version — tops this film in that department as well. Still, you could do a whole lot worse by watching the live-action films, or by getting gonorrhea.
-Brad Lohan
Sep
26
Boy, I Suck at LEGO Batman
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This is a kids’ game, right? Because last night, I used quite a bit of adult language while playing the new LEGO Batman game on PS2. I unleashed such an unholy amount of obscenity, my cat turned blue. But it’s still kinda fun. I know I’m looking forward to playing it some more this evening with the presidential debates on in the background.
I sort of lamented the glut of LEGO-themed video games a couple months ago. It seemed dystopic to me that Nintendo and all the rest have begun absorbing so many different kinds of children’s activities. Sports games are one thing. Most kids will never be professional athletes. Sumo wrestling has simply not caught on here in the States, so most 200-pound adolescents should quit chasing that dream. Still, I felt it was outrageous that boys and girls aren’t physically playing with Legos anymore. Rather, they’re letting their video game consoles create their imaginary worlds for them.
All that being said, I’m almost 30 and haven’t played with Legos in forever. So who cares if I have LEGO Batman? There, I almost successfully talked my way out of sounding like a total hypocrite. Now let’s talk about the game.
I haven’t gotten very far. One of the game’s selling points is that you can not only play as Batman and Robin, but you can also be the villains. Well, you have to unlock the villains first, something they don’t tell you. It’s all well and good to play a level or two as the Dynamic Duo, but dammit, I want to be Two-Face. I want to be Clayface. I want to be…Killer Moth! However, I have to slog through these levels as the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder before I can go back and do it all over again as Scarecrow or Poison Ivy.
One thing that’s a plus about the game is you apparently have an infinite number of lives. You’re given a power meter — measured in hearts — but it’s meaningless. You die and come back immediately. It’s helpful when you can’t figure out how in the hell you’re you’re supposed to kill Mr. Freeze. Man alive, that level brought me to the brink of insanity. And that’s just the second level.
I’m astonished by how difficult the game is. The puzzles are unbelievably esoteric. I felt like a damn genius when I figured out some of the head-scratchers in “God of War.” When it comes to LEGO Batman, I feel like John McCain when it comes to the economy. I’ve got no idea what’s going on more often than not.
Apparently, you can destroy almost everything in Gotham City — lamp posts, fire hydrants, trees. Sometimes you have to destroy something like a dumpster in order to rebuild it as a vehicle or whatnot. Yes, in the game, you can put together Legos.
I skip the cinematics between levels. For whatever reason in this game, the characters communicate like Cro-Magnons. They grunt and gesticulate. It’s stunningly annoying. Tobey Maguire voiced Spider-Man for the movie tie-in games. Sean Connery voiced James Bond for “From Russia With Love.” For LEGO Batman, I don’t know who’s doing all the grunting, but I doubt it’s Adam West and Burt Ward.
I’ve been wanting a new Batman game and was disappointed by the news that there isn’t going to be a “Dark Knight” tie-in. I know there’s some sort of Batman game on the horizon, and not that Mortal Kombat vs. DC Comics crapola, either. But, it’s probably only going to be available on the next-gen consoles. The best I can do for now is LEGO Batman. It’s not a great game. It’s palatable. I think I’m getting better at it or at least adjusting to how maddening it can be. At the end of the day, you might just be better off getting a box of Legos.
-Brad Lohan
Aug
9
“The Dark Knight” Doesn’t Play Games
Filed Under Blockbusters, Movies, Video Games | Leave a Comment
Earlier today, I was wondering why there isn’t a video game based on “The Dark Knight,” then coincidentally, I stumbled upon an article in Newsweek that’s just as puzzled as I am. Setting aside the fact that friggin’ Newsweek(?!) is addressing this issue, what gives? Surely a crappy video game tie-in must’ve been considered at some point. You can’t sneeze at the mall without some of your sputum hitting scores of bat-paraphernalia. The glaring omission of a video game based on the biggest movie of the summer — and doubtless the year — is curious indeed.
“The Dark Knight” is clearly a more grown-up superhero movie, but I think it still could rather easily translate to consoles. Hell, the climax of the movie couldn’t be more like a video game, as Batman fights his way through dozens of clowns, cops and canines on one level of a building after the another before reaching the top and having a final showdown with the Joker — a total rip-off of Donkey Kong.
How rad would it be to play a Batman game that follows the more open-ended approach to gaming that’s all the rage these days, one in which you could play as Bats, Commissioner Gordon, a Copycat Batman, Two-Face or even the Joker? Each character would have his own strengths and weaknesses. Batman, of course, would have all the moves and gadgets, but no gun; Gordon would come armed and able to summon help in the form of the GCPD, but not be able to soar across the rooftops; a Copycat Batman would have an arsenal, but limited fighting abilities and only hockey pads to protect him; the possibilities are limitless.
Side missions could include Batman’s trip to Hong Kong, or the Joker putting a smile on a mob underboss’ face. It’d be a video game adaptation that — unlike the ones for the Spider-Man films — wouldn’t have to bring in all sorts of 3rd rate villains to pad out the storyline. There’s so much going on in “The Dark Knight,” you don’t really need any embellishments. And holy cats, the Bat-Pod level would be the sickest thing ever.
I’m not even a ginormous gamer, and I want this game to appear from the ether in time for Christmas. According to the article, it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen. I guess I’ll have to boogie over to Amazon.com and pick up the underselling “Batman Begins” video game instead. Sigh.
-Brad Lohan
Jul
11
Playing With Legos…on Your Nintendo
Filed Under Blockbusters, Movies, Video Games | 2 Comments
I’m old enough to remember playing Atari. The graphics were blocky, like everything was built from Lego bricks. But there weren’t any Lego-themed games on Atari. No, when I was a kid, I played with Legos the old-fashioned way: I had my parents build a pirate ship or whatever, then I dismantled it and cried. Point is, Legos were something real. They were little, interlocking rectangular bricks you could hold in your hand, unlike the squarish characters in an Atari game that were just a jumble of pixels mashed together on your TV screen.
Technology has greatly improved since I was a kid. Video games now are uber-sophisticated. Ask any one of the 400-pound unwashed apes that are hardcore gamers and work as testers for one of the myriad software companies in my office park. Nintendo, Playstation and XBox have come a long way since Donkey Kong first lobbed barrels at some dwarfish plumber with a mustache.
In fact, video games have come so far, they’ve engulfed other activities for youngish shut-ins, such as playing with Legos. Why spend all that time waiting for you folks to finish putting together that Medieval castle when you can just buy a Lego-themed video game and have it already built and part of the backdrop of your sprawling Lego-verse? Actually, it goes deeper than that.
Toy licensing has also improved significantly since I was a kid. I came onto the scene right before regulations were relaxed on cartoons in the early-’80s, and suddenly, you could own action figures based on characters in your favorite animated series. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Whenever older folks lament that they didn’t have this or that as a child, it’s not because they think they were better off without it. No, they’re just jealous as all get out. I liked having legions of He-Man and Transformer and Ninja Turtle action figures. Toys certainly challenged my imagination more than swinging a baseball bat or tossing a football.
At any rate, Legos were extremely late to the party when it came to licensing characters from other media, be it cartoons or children’s films. I believe their first big licensing deal was with the “Star Wars” franchise — big surprise there — but that wasn’t even until the late-’90s. They’ve since branched out to the Harry Potter, Batman and Indiana Jones franchises. Even more recently, they’ve licensed themselves out to all the video game platforms. So not only can you play a Lego video game, but you can play a Lego video game about Batman or Indiana Jones or Star Wars.
This is very weird to me. I’ll admit that I’ve been tempted to pick up the”Lego: Indiana Jones” game — everything’s just so gosh-darn cute about it — but isn’t the experience of playing a game about Legos sort of less rewarding than actually playing with Legos? No, you can’t play professional sports or steal cars or shoot zombies in real life. I understand why there are games for that. But you can play with Legos. Of course, the worlds are more elaborate in a Lego video game than in reality, but that’s sort of where your imagination kicks in. Hell, I’m old school enough to remember the rather spare environments that served as backdrops in Atari games; yes, kids, there was a time when you had to use your imagination to play a video game.
If this trend continues — and why wouldn’t it? — I hope they start putting out more mature Lego-themed titles. I want “Lego: Resident Evil” or “Lego: God of War.” I want to see what blood and gore look like in Legoland. “Lego: Mortal Kombat” would be something else.
Video games started out looking like a stack of Lego bricks. Now the technology has come full-circle. Today’s Lego-themed games are just hyper-detailed squares and rectangles. But for all the graphical advancements, the magic of playing with Legos — literally, not on some machine — has been lost.
-Brad Lohan