Jun
23
George Carlin: 1937 - 2008
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I remember when I was 12 or 13, I taped a George Carlin special on HBO during one of their free preview weekends. We didn’t have pay cable when I was a teenager. The stand-ups I mostly saw were the toothless variety on “A&E’s An Evening at the Improv.” But I still loved stand-up comedy when I was a kid. I remember cooking up a game with my friends in which I pretended to be stand-up comedian. I got up on their porch, and holding a cylindrical block like a microphone, I made jokes about a wife I didn’t have and rattled off bits of observational humor about the other kids in the neighborhood while my friends stared at me blankly. We never played that game again. But if I’d ripped off George Carlin’s routine from his hour-long “Jammin’ in New York” HBO special, I’m sure it would’ve gone over better.
I must’ve watched that special a hundred times. In it, he riffs on the then-recent Persian Gulf War (”It’s the first war we ever had that was on every channel, plus cable.”), the prefix “pre,” a magazine called “Walking,” getting caught talking to yourself and airline travel. Airline travel’s a common theme among comics, but Carlin made it his own: “About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. ‘Get on the plane. Get on the plane.’ I say, ‘F*** you, I’m getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane! I’ll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!’”
Carlin was a comedian known for his bad language, having rattled off the “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” early in his career, but his gift for deconstructing the English language is what elevated him above comics who just spout obscenities for effect. He provided insight beyond the simple, “Do you ever notice…?” banality so many stand-ups have built their sitcom careers upon.
With Carlin’s passing, now all my favorites of the form are gone. He’s joined the other greats — Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks and Andy Kaufman — but left a wealth of performance material that will never seem too dated, too out-of-step. I could watch or listen to any one of his performances a hundred times more and find it just as funny. He was always ahead of his time, operating from a different plane of reality; you still can’t say those seven words on TV. With that in mind, I’m not sure if we’ll probably never make it to the same plane that Carlin was on…or in.
May 12th , 1937 - June 22nd, 2008
-Brad Lohan
Jun
19
Hot or Bot: The Mating Habits of Transformers
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In “Transformers: The Movie” — the animated one from 1986, not last summer’s live-action ‘roided up bug-bot noise fest — several new characters are introduced, the film being set in the far-flung future world of 2005. Hot Rod, Kup, Ultra Magnus, Wheelie and Arcee are some of the fresh new faces among the ranks of the Autobots. It’s not established where these ‘bots came from exactly. I believe that the original batch of Transformers were created by the floating, egg-shaped, five-faced Quintessons. But among the noobs, Arcee is clearly a female Robot in Disguise. She’s voiced by veteran actress — and Jason victim in “Friday the 13th: Part VII” — Susan Blu; she has a slender waist, birthing hips, even a bustline; and she’s pink. Pink equals girl in cartoon shorthand.
All that being said, if Arcee is equipped with an approximation of the female form (right down to her lipstick), it begs the question, “Can — uh — Transformers reproduce sexually?” Arcee appears to be part of the cast of Michael Bay’s upcoming “Transformers 2: First of the Fallen,” so now’s as good a time as any to explore this topic before every other mouth-breathing Internet blogger and Transfan pounces on it, too.
Assuming that the mechanics of the sexual act between male and female Transformers mirrors that of humans’, what sort of ‘bot-ily fluids are exchanged exactly? Blueprints, technical schematics, auto parts? Then within the womb of the female, is there a small factory that takes the design specs and accessories and customizes a baby ‘bot? Can I possibly wring another couple paragraphs out of this?
Or it could just be that Arcee’s a token female character, a half-hearted stab at luring in young female viewers. Maybe all the Transformers do simply roll right off the Quintessons’ assembly line, and Arcee’s lady parts are just for decoration, mooting volumes of hardcore Transformers fan-fic.
Whatever purpose Arcee’s naughty bits may serve, she’s treated as an equal among her fellow Autobots — all of whom have ginormous codpieces straight out of “A Clockwork Orange.” She’s portrayed as a capable warrior and one of the few characters in the ‘86 film that isn’t blown to Kingdom Come during a battle scene cut to hair metal. Maybe she’s capable of carrying Optimus Prime’s baby, but Arcee’s not built for fitting into a traditional gender role.
-Brad Lohan
Jun
7
“The Simpsons Ride” at Universal Studios Hollywood
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This review comes a week later than I’d originally intended. Last Sunday, a fire broke out at Universal Studios Hollywood, and the park was closed for the entire day, the same day I’d been planning to go and ride the new Simpsons attraction. The devastation was confined only to the backlot, leveling the “Back to the Future” clock tower, the King Kong attraction from the Studio Tour and a video vault that contained “Knocked Up” and 39,999 other titles from Universal’s film library. Fortunately, duplicate copies of “Knocked Up” are kept in another vault off the property, so scenes with Katherine Heigl making love with her bra still on have not been lost forever. Whew!
Now one of the major regrets of my adult life — one that doesn’t involve women, anyway — is that I didn’t go on the “Back to the Future” ride when I went to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios in 2006. Had I known the attraction was going to soon be shuttered, I’d have enjoyed it at least one last time. But I thought it’d never close, not in a million years. After all, it’s one of the attractions there that’s actually based on a Universal Pictures movie. I’m looking at you, “Shrek 4-D” and “T2:3-D!”
As it turns out, I’m wrong about a lot of things. And one of them was the fate of the BTTF ride. It was ultimately closed down, and in its place, “The Simpsons Ride” (a 20th Century Fox property for anyone keeping score) was built. I’m a fan of “The Simpsons.” I actually enjoyed the film last summer more than most people, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea of the ride’s existence. I’d just prefer it if they hadn’t put it exactly where one of my long-time favorite rides once stood.
Bitterness aside, “The Simpsons Ride” is great fun. It’s a motion simulator, like BTTF, but it’s also quite possible that it exceeds the quality of BTTF. To be fair, “Back to the Future: The Ride” was something like fifteen years old. It was a little dated, but not quite as primordial as “Star Tours” at Disneyland. Still, an older ride isn’t without its charms. Every time I visit Universal — about once a year or so — I absolutely have to go on “Jurassic Park: The Ride,” an attraction that’s getting a little long in the tooth itself. But I’d boycott Universal for 100 lifetimes if they were ever to shut it down.
At any rate, the two times I went on “The Simpsons Ride” today were absolutely amazing and wowed me enough to no longer begrudge it for taking “Back to the Future: The Ride” away from me. The queue — or the “pre-show area” — is designed to look like Krustyland. You actually enter the line by walking through Krusty the Clown’s mouth on a “red carpet” that’s his unfurled, not to mention kinda squishy, tongue. The queue line is impressive in its detail, stopping short of painting all the tourists yellow to make them authentic-looking Simpsons characters. You really feel like you’re in Springfield. As you’re waiting interminably in line, ceiling-mounted TVs play selected clips from “The Simpsons,” mostly the episode where they go to a theme park and Itchy and Scratchy robots go beserk, a la “Westworld.” There’s also a great scene created for the attraction that explains why the BTTF ride was closed down and replaced by “The Simpsons Ride,” keeping with the show’s brilliant self-awareness.
The ride itself puts you in a car directly behind the Simpsons on a ginormous roller coaster. Sideshow Bob has taken control of the park and has begun wrecking shop. You and the Simpsons are hurled from one Krustyland attraction to the next. It’s impossible to keep up with the amount of jokes that are tossed off or take in all of the fantastic visuals throughout the ride. The video projection is all-CGI, not 2-D hand-drawn animation like the television show. Where it may sound jarring, like the “Homer³” segment in an old “Treehouse of Horror” episode, I think computer graphics make the world more immersive.
Universal may have broken my heart by closing down “Back to the Future: The Ride,” but they could’ve done a lot worse than having “The Simpsons Ride” take its place. That said, they should do something about lowering the price of their Duff energy drink. I’m not a huge fan of energy drinks. I am, however, a huge fan of clever theming and occasionally buy crap in gift shops I should’ve absolutely put back on the shelf. It was north of $5. For 12 ounces of Full Throttle. In a can that said “Duff.”
D’oh.
-Brad Lohan
See “Knocked Up,” now available from Universal Home Video.
May
15
I’m Batman…No, Wait. I’m G.I. Joe.
Filed Under Comics, Movies, TV, Toys | Leave a Comment
Black is the new black, apparently. For the better part of a decade, comic book and cartoon characters have had their colorful costumes made over as “none more black,” to paraphrase Spinal Tap, when translated to film. Batman, the X-Men and even Spider-Man — to be fair, Spidey’s costume change also took place in the comics — have appeared on the big screen in slimming black getups, not their more recognizable outfits, the ones that costume designers say “won’t work” on film. It sometimes makes you wonder why these films are even shot in color.
Stills from the upcoming “G.I. Joe” movie began trickling out recently. The first one I saw was of a fan-favorite — the disfigured mute ninja in a knight’s helmet, Snake Eyes. It was as faithful a translation from cartoon-to-film as one could ask for. Granted, the character is black-clad on the television show and in the comics, so he had a bit of an advantage over the other Joes inasmuch as he wasn’t at risk of designers eighty-sixing his entire look in favor of something more Matrix-y.
It’s Snake Eyes’ teammates, at least the ones in the other stills I’ve seen, whose outfits are as interchangable as the b-lister Autobots and Decepticons in Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” They should be wearing “Hello…My Name is ____” stickers on their vacuformed black kevlar jumpsuits — jumpsuits that look very much like the body armor Bruce Wayne uses for “spelunking” in “Batman Begins.”
And where the hell’s Shipwreck?! I’ve been trying to scoop up an action figure of my favorite bearded sailor — the one from the ’80s, not the new one that makes him look like he has spinal meningitis — on eBay but I’m always outbid at the last minute. Now he’s not even going to be back in black in the movie next year? It’s probably just as well. I wouldn’t be able to pick him out from the other black-garbed Joes anyway.
-Brad Lohan
May
13
Bring Our Clone Wars Troops Home Now!
Filed Under Blockbusters, Movies, TV | 1 Comment
There’s another Star Wars movie coming out. “Star Wars: The Clone Wars,” an all-CGI installment in the unkillable franchise, opens on August 15th. The movie is a sequel to Episode II and a prequel to Episode III, giving it pretty much the dramatic weight of any one of the umpteen “Land Before Time” DTV films. It’s also a theatrically-released pilot to a proposed 100-episode television series. 100 episodes?! Is John McCain secretly pulling George Lucas’ strings? Personally, I don’t think the Clone Wars are worth the investment of blood and treasure spread out over five seasons.
I’m pretty much done with Star Wars. I didn’t grow up on the movies, having been born too late to see the first one in the theater. I was a child of the ’80s. I was into He-Man and Transformers and the Ninja Turtles — all the franchises that Star Wars spawned, according to the hardcore fans anyway.
Star Wars fans are a myopic breed. They act as though George Lucas not only invented the blockbuster, but the film camera and storytelling as well. To suggest this is to ignore the 80 years of filmmaking that came before the first — or fourth — Star Wars film’s release in ‘77. Star Wars is a cocktail of genres and archetypes that were wowing audiences for decades before Lucas repurposed them for his original trilogy. That they connected with audiences in the late-’70s and early-’80s, thus beating back any degree of artistry or independent spirit that had prevailed in the Me Decade, should only come as a surprise to people who may have never seen a movie before.
Lucas has spent much of his career of late proving that whatever creative genius he’d once possessed has since been replaced with a sense of bitterness and disconnect. He’s not entirely sure what his fans want from him, nor does he really seem to care when he egregiously disappoints them. Filmmaking for him has become something that’s perfunctory, an exercise in pushing the limits of technology, not storytelling. I imagine it’s not emotionally rewarding for him, either. He admittedly dislikes the writing process, but powered through each of the scripts (with help from Tom Stoppard on Episode II) for the prequel trilogy. Why doesn’t he stop torturing himself? Better yet, why don’t the fans do the same?
I’m going to pass on “Star Wars: The Clone Wars.” The movie looks like a series of cutscenes from a Star Wars video game, not another must-see chapter in a saga that’s already gone on for three films too many. I think it’s time for the die-hard fans — even the lost causes who think that Episode I is the best of the prequels — as well as George Lucas to move on to something else. To paraphrase John Lennon, Star Wars is over…if you want it.
-Brad Lohan
May
7
“MacGyver” The Movie
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For Christmas last year I got “MacGyver: The Complete Series” — all seven seasons of the thinking-man’s adventure series from an age when heroes wear mullets, Russian badguys speak to each other in heavily-accented English, and everyday household items are used by Angus MacGyver (played by Richard Dean Anderson) to save his bacon at the climax of each episode. Being somewhat responsible for the shooting death of a childhood friend, Mac never carries a gun. He’s typically armed with only a Swiss Army knife, not to mention an encyclopedic knowledge of physics and chemistry. Never is he held captive in a room where he can’t find something to cook up his means for escape. And that’s the series’ charm.
A few years ago, a pilot for “Young MacGyver” (starring Jared Padalecki) mercifully died on the vine before it was picked up by a network. Now the Internet is buzzing with a rumor that series creator Lee David Zlotoff is trying to get a MacGyver film off the ground: http://joblo.com/macgyver-movie. I’m not of the opinion that a movie needs to be made about every television series that ever brightened a picture tube for more than a season. But, I did watch the film version of “The Fugitive” so often as a teen, the tape came off the spools. Still, that film’s about 15 years old, and with the only extremely successful movie franchise based on a TV series being “Mission: Impossible” (now with movie four in the works), it’s very possible that the cinematic version of MacGyver might be MacGyver-in-name-only.
If I were given the opportunity, I’d bring back Richard Dean Anderson to play the title role. The umpteen seasons of “Stargate: SG1″ have kept him in fighting shape. And in a world where Harrison Ford can don the Indiana Jones fedora after hanging up his whip for 19 years, Anderson can certainly cobble together one last MacGyverism since the show left air in ‘92. Need more proof? Check out the YouTube clip.
May
1
Let’s get this out of the way: actors are overpaid. So are producers. One doesn’t come to Hollywood because he wants to make passion projects that scratch his artistic itch, box office be damned. He doesn’t struggle and starve and say no to big dumb scripts because he wants to make small, personal films. No, if you’re an actor, or a producer, or a screenwriter for that matter, you make the trek to L.A. because you’re the modern day equivalent of Daniel Plainview — you’ve come to strike it rich. This town is a giant milkshake, and you’re here to drink it.
Today, news that the Screen Actors Guild and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers are currently at an impasse during their contractual negotiations (the current contract between the unions expires on June 30th) comes as no surprise to me. Though the AMPTP just recently weathered a 100-day WGA strike that ground production to a halt and cost the studios billions, they somehow think they can pull the same shenanigans with SAG not three months later. But the one thing more essential to a film or television show than a script is its cast. Too many films begin production without a finished script these days, giving you an idea of how inconsequential a “good story, well told” is to the industry bigwigs. The WGA wasn’t able to create a work stoppage because they ceased their output. No, it’s the solidarity their union has with SAG that brought Hollywood to a halt last winter.
It’s actors that get movies made, not writers and not producers. That the AMPTP is willing to remain bullish about nickel-and-diming actors over DVD revenues goes to show how their greed may match that of your average star, but their box office pull does not reflect that of someone like, say, Johnny Depp. People don’t go to the movies because of who produced it. Producers are invisible influence, their contributions to a given production are as varied as their job titles are obscure. Movies and TV shows might not get made without them, but the same could be said for cameras. If they can’t hammer out a contract with SAG before the June 30th deadline, they’ll demonstrate once again that no one’s better at producing layoffs and lost billions than the Scrooge-like AMPTP.
-Brad Lohan
Dec
30
A Commentary on the KIA Flashdance Commercial
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OK. Here’s the deal. I find the latest KIA Flashdance-inspired car commercial very funny. I laugh (or at least smile) every time I watch it. However, there is such thing as overkill and this commercial is about to meet its demise (at least in my heart).
Why? Well I’ll tell you why.
Here’s the KIA Flashdance Commercial in Question
Now Here’s Why It’s Falling Out of Favor with Me
I was eating a nice meal at a local Orange County Pho restaurant with a friend of mine and we were having a nice time. On the TV was the end of the Patriots game and the typical post-game discussion. Of course there were a number of commercials within the 30 minutes that was the post-game coverage. One of the first commercials was the KIA Flashdance commercial. At this point, I was still very much in favor of this commercial. In fact, it spawned a conversation about it and praise from both my friend and I. The discussion quickly moved on to other less KIA-focused talk but then about 5 minutes later, the KIA Flashdance commercial was back on the TV. I laughed and thought to myself “Oh goodie! It’s on again. Finally a commercial I enjoy watching. Let’s watch again!”. So we watched the commercial again, chuckled, and continued our meal. But then things started to get a bit abnormal. Right as I was about to take a bite of a delicious shrimp spring roll, the KIA Flashdance commercial came on AGAIN! Now this is only about one minute after it played previously. I laughed again, however I was laughing at the absurdity of the media buying agency/company who purchased time during the Patriots post-game coverage. They must have had some extra money to spend and decided to dump a portion of it during the game. Oh well, it’s their money.
NOW This is Where Advertising Gets Absurd
If the story was to end here, I wouldn’t have much to say about this KIA TV commercial. I would have seen it here and there as I randomly surf my TV channels looking for entertaining programs and would still laugh when I watch it. However, this story doesn’t end here. Actually, it doesn’t end until the KIA Flashdance commercial runs an additional 4 MORE TIMES!!!!!!! I’m serious. This commercial ran a total of 7 TIMES in about 35- 40 minutes. Each time it popped on the screen, I laughed; not at the commercial, but at how many times it continued to play. My friend and I eventually stopped eating completely just to watch for the next appearance of the ad. By the 6th time it had shown, we were amazed and bewildered as to why anyone would approve running any TV commercial 6 times in such a sort period of time. Now I’m no media buyer so I don’t know if this is a proven method of getting a brand stuck in ones head (I think they call it “frequency” in the media buying world), but by the 7th time it showed, I had had enough of it. I hope I don’t see it for a very long time.
In Closing
Although this absurd observation of the KIA Flashdance TV commercial with 35 minutes may not make the front page of the Los Angeles Times, it’s something I found hilarious, bewildering, intriguing, and laughable. So I guess in the end, I’m glad I saw it 7 times in one sitting. It makes for a semi-funny story.
The End
Dec
24
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I’m 29 years old, which means my preteen years were entrenched in the mid to late 1980s. Although most of my childhood memories are limited, I’ll always remember watching a select assortment of recorded-off-tv-years-before Christmas TV specials (and we’re not talking about Frosty the Snowman or A Charlie Brown Christmas). To this day, these Christmas TV specials are near and dear to me. And although many of these are widely known and have become cult classics, it’s always fun to reminisce and take a look back at the vintage TV specials that have helped create the special feeling I get around Christmas. So if you have kids or just want a nice assortment of Christmas videos to get for the holidays, here are my Top 5 Recommended Christmas TV specials from my childhood.
(NOTE: We’re starting with 5 and working down to my favorite Christmas special. Read on!)
5) A Muppet Family Christmas (1987)
Synopsis: Kermit, Fozzie Bear, and the gang unexpectedly drop in on Fozzie’s mother for Christmas right before she’s about to leave for a winter vacation. A snow storm blows in and strands everyone at the house, aside from Miss Piggy, who is desperately trying to make it to Fozzie’s mom’s house to be with her Kermie for the Holidays. Of course she arrives just in time and everyone has a very, merry Christmas. This special highlights various Jim Henson creations including some of the Sesame Street gang and even the Fraggles from Fraggle Rock.
Fondest Memory: The Swedish chef is in charge of killing and cooking the Christmas turkey. Of course the turkey talks and is trying to convince the chef not to cook him. Of course in the end they become best of friends and the chef serves cereal for dinner (I think).
4) A Claymation Christmas Celebration (1987)
Synopsis: Two claymation dinosaurs, Herb and Rex, host this animated Christmas special and guide viewers through several claymation sketches featuring the Three Wise Men, singing camels, ice-skating penguins, and more. This Christmas TV special ends with the California Raisins doing a rendition of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.
Fondest Memory: There’s one funny skit that I remember always made me smile. It’s about a chorus of bells that hit themselves in the head to play the tune Carol of the Bells. The funniest part is the chorus is led by the Hunchback of Notre Dame and there’s one dorky bell who keeps messing up and is oblivious to what he’s suppose to play. Definitely a fond memory.
3) A Garfield Christmas Special (1987)
Synopsis: Garfield wants to have a nice Christmas at home; one filled with presents, toys, and of course lasagna. Instead, he ends up going to Jon’s parents house in the country with Odie in tow and dreading the initial experience. Of course in the end he learns the value of being with your family during the holidays and everything works out perfect.
Fondest Memory: Although it is just an animated show, the picture of Jon’s parents snow covered farm house in the country always made me want to experience that type of Christmas at least once (I’m a Southern California boy so I’ve never experienced a true white Christmas). It’s not necessarily a memory, but rather a desire I now have that I would still like to experience.
2) Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas (1977)
Synopsis: A young otter named Emmet desperately wants to buy her mother a necklace for Christmas be he’s very, very poor (as is his mother - father died years ago). So, in an attempt to make some money, Emmet and his buddies form a jug band and enter a holiday battle of the bands. What they don’t know is that his mother also enters the battle of the bands (as a solo vocalist) because she also wants to buy Emmet something nice for Christmas. In the end neither Emmet nor her mother win, but there is a very, happy ending.
Fondest Memory: For those of you who don’t know about the Jim Henson production, Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas highlights quite possibly the best puppet rock band performance ever! The band consists of a group of tough biker animals including a snake, frog, weasel, and a bear. And the band they have is called “The River Bottom Nightmare Band.” It’s amazing! One additional scene that has made me laugh years later is at the very end the mayor (who is a frog) is hopping along on the road and the puppetry is so crude in this scene that his legs actually bend backwards a couple times. It literally made me roll of the floor laughing when I watched it.
1) Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special (1988)
Synopsis: Pee-wee Herman celebrates Christmas at his playhouse and has a ton of celebrity guests such as Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello, Little Richard, Magic Johnson, and even Oprah Winfrey. They all decorate the playhouse, make Christmas cards, and sing songs. In the end Santa stops by to spread some joy but tells Pee-wee that his list was way too big and none of the other children will have any toys. So Pee-wee out of the kindness of his heart tells Santa he was just too greedy and the he doesn’t want anything. Santa rewards his kindness by letting him help him deliver all the toys that night.
Fondest Memory: As were most individuals my age, I was a huge fan of Pee-wee’s playhouse when I was a kid. It was so animated and colorful and just grabbed you by the horns and shook you until you were happy. I will always remember watching this Christmas TV Special with a huge smile on my face because it was just so awesome! But the one memory that will always stick in my head is wondering whether or not K.D. Lang was a guy or a girl (I didn’t know who the hell she was then and honestly didn’t know which gender she was). It makes me laugh thinking back now because I was genuinely confused, but I truly didn’t care (I was too busy being entertained.