Jul
24
I went to see “The Dark Knight” a third time last night at the AMC Burbank 16. On Wednesdays, the theater chain offers free popcorn with your ticket purchase; fun fact: due to some technical glitch at the kiosk where I bought my ticket, I didn’t get a coupon for free popcorn — buggeration! Then I got in the wrong line for the auditorium I’d bought a ticket for. Here’s some sample dialogue from that cherished memory:
Me: “Is this the line for ‘The Dark Knight?’”
People in Front of Me: “Uh, I dunno. We hope so.”
I stayed in that line for a good 10 minutes before finding out there was another line that was the one true path to “The Dark Knight.” But I’d gotten there plenty early, and even after I had to pay for my small popcorn, I found a good seat in the auditorium — the one for the 7:45 showing. The worst, I thought, was behind me.
Then I saw a trailer for “High School Musical 3.”
I sat there — mouth agape — like Beavis and/or Butt-Head do while watching a music video that offends their sensibilities for the trailer’s interminable duration. “High School Musical 3?!” Not only is the title generic to the point of meaninglessness — Is it about a high school musical, or is it a musical about high school, or is it BOTH? –but the content is so vanilla, so flavorless, it seems to barely qualify as a movie.
I’m vaguely aware of the fact that the first to installments in the HSM saga were highly-rated TV movies produced by Disney. It strikes me as a bit odd that movie three in the franchise is the first theatrical release. Film adaptations of popular TV shows were all the rage in the ’90s. One of them — “The Fugitive” — even wound up being good. But a film adaptation of a TV movie? Something feels off about that. And it’s not even a Lifetime Original woman-in-jeopardy type of picture. It’s a movie that perpetuates the myth that high school is actually fun.
At least when this crapola was on TV, I could easily avoid it. Now when I go to the flicks for the next couple of months, I run the risk of having to sit through the trailer again — gah! This thing was attached to “The Dark Knight!” All bets are off on what else it might be in front of in the coming weeks. It’s bad enough that I had to endure that rotten and incomprehensible trailer for “Terminator Salvation” again, but coupled with the preview “High School Musical 3,” it’s like a one-two punch of soulless franchises assaulting my eyes and ears. Worst of all, there wasn’t a trailer for “Watchmen” to restore my faith in film projectionists.
These kids today. They simply have no taste whatsoever in musicals about high school. When I was a younger, my peers were into “Grease.” It may have been PG, but try watching it with your folks and not feeling a little uncomfortable in spots. “High School Musical 3″ looks like a witless, watered-down, family-friendly mutant cousin of “Grease.” Why do kids eat this stuff up? If I ever have childen — that’s a pretty big “if” I’m beginning to realize — and they get into this piffle, I’m selling them. I can always use that money to buy another ticket to see “The Dark Knight.”
-Brad Lohan
Jul
23
“Birds of Prey” DVD Review
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I touched on this show last week, mainly drooling over the star, button-cute Ashley Scott. I’ve since powered through all twelve episodes, and what follows is my take on the show, including the other exorbitantly hot female lead, Dina Meyer.
“Birds of Prey” started out as a DC Comics series that began in the ’90s and ran for over 100 issues. It was set in contemporary Gotham City and focused on Barbara Gordon — the paraplegic former Batgirl, now known as the computer whiz Oracle — as well as her two female vigilante sidekicks, the Huntress and the Black Canary. After watching the series, I’m compelled to pick up the first “Birds of Prey” TPB to see if the comic has what the show lacked — capes and cowls, recognizable super-villains, the occasional cameo by a certain crimefighting gentleman who also lives in Gotham, etc.
When adapting the comic book for television, series creator Laeta Kalogridis (a woman whose name I’m astonished I spelled correctly on the first try) retained some of the key elements, but made several significant changes to the mythology. The Huntress on the show is the daughter of Batman and Catwoman, like the original pre-”Crisis on Infinite Earths” incarnation of the character, not the Huntress from the BoP comic book series. Also known as Helena Kyle — and played by future Mrs. Lohan, Ashley Scott — she has some meta-human cat-like abilities and does the bulk of her crime-fighting alone. Barbara Gordon/Oracle (Dina Meyer) is not unlike her comic book counterpart and confined to a wheelchair, but able to lend tech support to Huntress via their clock tower HQ; Oracle’s the most faithfully adapted of the three Birds. The third heroine, Dinah Lance (Rachel Skarsten), is actually the daughter of the Black Canary and possesses some low-level psychic abilities the series jettisons about midway through, replacing them with telekinesis. Nevertheless, Dinah’s not given much to do.
The show is set in the near-future, unlike the comic. Batman’s splitsville — having never actually met Helena — and Gotham City has been renamed New Gotham. I had a problem with accepting that certain characters on the series, particularly Shemar Moore’s Det. Reese, being unfamiliar with Batman. Batty hasn’t been gone all that long; I believe he left town after his final confrontation with the Joker seven years before the show is set. It’s like New Yorkers not knowing who Rudy Giuliani is. Now granted, Batman didn’t run for president, and if he had, he probably would’ve made it through the primaries. But, still… How can you be in the law enforcement community in Gotham and not know who Batman is/was?
However, I’m willing to forgive Reese’s naivete. It’s not the show’s primary weakness. No, I think the show suffered in the ratings because there weren’t many identifiable Bat-villains from his rogues gallery. The Birds of Prey fight some incredible lame-asses over the course of the series. I’d almost have rather they’d taken on organized crime figures or someone other than these goofballs. You get a few brief glimpses of the Joker in the pilot; he’s the one who shoots Barbara Gordon and leaves her paralyzed. But almost all the baddies on the show are just weird meta-humans straight from Central Casting.
That being said, Mia Sara plays Dr. Harleen Quinzel (aka Harley Quinn, the Joker’s squeeze), Helena Kyle’s therapist, and a character that was so popular on “Batman: The Animated Series,” she was introduced into comics continuity in the late-’90s. I would like to add that I simply love the concept of a super-villain whose day job is a headshrinker. Dr. Quinzel’s also the only recurring villain on the show, but she doesn’t get to do a whole hell of a lot until the series finale.
I still wanted to see some of the B- and C-listers from the Batman comics — the ones who’ll never be in a movie — make appearances on the show. Clayface pops up in the second-to-last episode, played by the guy who gets his ear hacked off in “Reservoir Dogs.” But his presence is too little, too late. Where’s the Mad Hatter, Killer Croc and Ventriloquist? Where’s Vandal Savage and Firefly? Hell, where’s King Tut? This is a freak-of-the-week show. Let’s see some freaks worthy of our attention.
That said, the disinteresting villains don’t detract from the significantly more interesting heroines. Ashley Scott’s performance as the Huntress becomes much stronger as the series progresses. Dina Meyer’s solid as Oracle, and despite her paralysis, she suits up as Batgirl one last time with the help of some doohickey strapped to her back that allows her to walk. I felt that Rachel Skarsten was sort of ballast in the first couple of episodes, but by series’ end, I was hoping they’d give her more to do rather than less.
Knowing ahead of time that the show was going to be canceled, the producers rejiggered the final episode to adequately tie up the dangling plot threads. It’s a fairly satisfying sendoff, being perhaps the strongest of ep of the series. Of course, it happens to be the one with Harley Quinn front and center as the villain, suggesting that if they’d raided Arkham Asylum for more Batman rogues, the show may have been picked up for season two.
As it is, I like the series well enough. Ashley Scott and Dina Meyer are always pleasing to the eye. There are plenty of comic book moments and esoteric fanboy references to keep me interested while I’m not leering at one or both of the leads. It’s a show that had a lot of potential that it probably could’ve lived up to had it been given another couple seasons to find its voice. But, I guess, I can start reading the trades.
-Brad Lohan
Jul
22
Roger Ebert gives star ratings in his Chicago Sun-Times movie reviews. He’s famous for the “thumbs-up”/”thumbs-down” shorthand he developed with the late Gene Siskel back in 1975 when their “Sneak Previews” PBS series first launched. So how do his star ratings translate to the up or down positioning of his thumb, you ask? Well, out of a possible four stars, two or fewer is a “thumbs down;” two and a half or more is a “thumbs up.” This is the most I’ve ever used the word “thumb” in a paragraph.
I used to watch Siskel and Ebert fairly often as a kid. They were a couple of curmudgeons whose taste in films was drastically different from my own at the time. I remember Siskel saying once that “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” was “just as boring and violent as the first one” — blasphemy! But it was always fun to see them vehemently disagree with each other or hail a movie like “Under Siege” as one of the top ten films of 1991.
After Gene Siskel died in 1999, Ebert invited several different critics to sit opposite him on the show and see what they could do with their thumbs. He ultimately settled on the tasteless whelp Richard Roeper — a doofus who once said that Tim Burton’s “Planet of the Apes” was better than the original — and “Siskel & Ebert At the Movies” was retitled “At the Movies With Ebert and Roeper;” by this time, Disney had long since acquired the program and done away with the “Sneak Previews” moniker.
I never liked Roeper as you may have guessed. When he was alive, Siskel had bought John Travolta’s white suit from “Saturday Night Fever.” There’s something equally creepy and awesome about that. I liked to imagine him dancing around his house in it. Roeper never had that same mystique. He was just a goofball with middling taste in movies.
But both he and Roger Ebert have announced they’re splitting from the Disney-owned ABC network and taking their thumbs with them, according to the Associated Press. Ebert co-owns the copyright (with Siskel’s widow) to thumbs-as-a-mode-of-film-critique, so whenever you give a movie a thumbs up or down, you’re violating copyright law!
I’m sure ABC will take the show’s existing format — gutted as it is — and simply fill the two aisle seats with a pair of younger, hipper twerps that make Roeper look like Pauline Kael. Instead of thumbs signifying a movie is good or bad, they’ll have a more of-the-moment criteria. I’m guess it’ll be shorthand culled from text messaging, IMs and emails. For example, if a comedy’s funny, it’ll get an “LMAO” or if it’s really funny, a “ROTFLMAO.” Average movies will get a “meh.” Bad movies will get a frowny-face. Good movies will be vaguely described as “entertaining.” Excellent movies will have the word “so” overly-emphasized in a manner I’ve come to hate: “It was so entertaining.”
I give this new format zero stars.
-Brad Lohan
Jul
17
Ashley Scott Needs More Work
Filed Under Movies, TV | 2 Comments
“Birds of Prey” — the short-lived WB series loosely based on the DC comic book — hit DVD earlier this week. I remember watching the first few of episodes back in 2002 during the one and only month that pissed away money on cable TV; I chalk that up to being “young and foolish.” After I’ve finished watching the entire series (I believe it had a 14-episode run), I’ll post a full review. I only revisited the first two eps last night.
In short, the series is set in the near future. Batman’s vanished from New Gotham, but his daughter Helena Kyle — played by the equisite beauty Ashley Scott — has continued Batty’s endless war on crime. Calling herself The Huntress, she kicks bad people in the head and bickers with her mentor — wheelchair-bound former Batgirl, Barbara Gordon (Dina Meyer). Huntress also takes after her mother, Seline Kyle, in that she possess some cat-like or Catwoman-like abilities: her pupils change shape, she has superhuman reflexes, and there’s a feline snarling sound when she’s doing something catty.
I can’t really speak to the overall quality of the series yet. Thus far, I’m liking the different kind of energy the female leads bring to the proceedings. In a male-dominated medium, it’s refreshing to see chick superheroes who don’t take their jobs so damn seriously. Or maybe I’m just burned out on brooding, solitary and kinda boring men in tights.
What’s even more enjoyable about the series is seeing Ashley Scott in all manner of tight, and sometimes midriff-baring outfits. She doesn’t wear the Huntress’ traditional costume while out on patrol, alas, opting for a low-cut black bodysuit with a trenchcoat. But her street clothes more than make up for her fairly conservative crime-fighting attire.
I could leer at this poor woman all day. I remember I saw her at the grocery store one time, and nearly fainted. Tragically, she was with her husband at the time, but according to her IMDb page, she’s since divorced — wawaweewah!
Now for some damn reason, Ms. Scott doesn’t seem to be getting very good roles these days. Who wouldn’t want the girl that played Gigolo Jane in their movie or TV show? Yeesh, I remember reading that her role in that crapola “Friends” spin-off “Joey” was recast once the pilot had been picked up. I’ve only seen her — albeit briefly — in “S.W.A.T.” since “Birds of Prey” went off the air.
No, she’s not a terribly good actress, but neither is Jessica Alba. And Ms. Alba was also on a short-lived TV series, that being “Dark Angel,” before achieving mega-fame by pretending to be a blonde in dozens of movies. I believe Ashley Scott is actually blonde in real life, although she’s relentlessly hot as a brunette on “Birds of Prey.”
Simply put, I want more eyefuls of Ashley Scott. I’ve got a dozen or so more episodes of “Birds of Prey,” and then that’s it. I’m sure as hell not going to rent “The Kingdom” or “Strange Wilderness” to see more of her. I might be crazy about her, but I’m not insane. She just needs more roles, better roles, roles involving “adult situations” or “brief sensuality” especially.
-Brad Lohan
Jul
2
The Echh-Files
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David Duchovny wants to believe. He wants to believe that there’s still an “X-Files” audience out there, one that has forgiven — or forgotten — that the series went out with a whimper in 2002. In fact, he’s been trying to will a second “X-Files” movie into existence for years and years; the first film dropped in ‘98. Let’s not forget this is the same guy who had his presence on the show peeled back significantly in the later seasons.
I’ve never been a ginormous fan of “The X-Files.” The show seems like something that’d be up my alley — I’m quite a fan of aliens and chupacabras and redheads, after all — but I never got into it. Now, “M.A.N.T.I.S.” — there’s a Fox Network show I watched religiously. At any rate, I’ve probably seen a half-dozen episodes of the series. I caught the first movie in theaters and liked it okay.
That said, the upcoming sequel “X-Files: I Want to Believe” looks like ass. I saw a thoroughly underwhelming trailer for it before the moderately underwhelming “Incredible Hulk” a couple weeks ago. I’ve read that it’s a self-contained film, one that doesn’t rely on gobs of backstory from the series to drive the plot. It’s a wise approach. Even hardcore fans (”X”-philes?) probably don’t remember all the esoteric story points from a show that’s been off the air for more than a half-decade. But I’m not convinced the film has enough going for it — at least from what I saw in the snow-capped trailer — to lure in folks like me.
For one thing, where the hell are the aliens? I know that the show was about more than just UFO conspiracies. But, non-fans need more of a hook than Billy Connolly, Amanda Peet and Xzibit (man alive, I hate rappers with grotesquely misspelled names) as special guest stars. Early rumors about the plot suggested that it involved werewolves, not my favorite supernatural beasties, but maybe their alien werewolves. The trailer, however, does nothing to confirm this. Either the filmmakers are embarrassed by their creepy crawlies, or they’re more confident than I am in Xzibit’s box office appeal.
Call me a non-believer, but I’m unconvinced that the new “X-Files” movie is going to have a monster opening. It’s coming out in the long shadow of “The Dark Knight,” a film I predict will have an unusually strong second weekend, and opposite Will Ferrell’s “Step Brothers.” I think the only person who’s genuinely excited about the movie is David Duchovny, believe it or not.
-Brad Lohan
Jun
24
Comic-Conned
Filed Under Comics, Conventions, Movies, Summer Blockbusters, TV | Leave a Comment
The San Diego Comic-Con is a month from now. I’m not going. I’ve never gone. I probably will never go. I don’t desperately need a Charlie Brown bobble-head, even if it is a convention exclusive. The truth of the matter is, Comic-Con has sold out. It’s gone Hollywood. It’s just a bloated, over-extended and smelly press junket. Dozens of hungover actors and filmmakers — the ones who couldn’t contractually get out of going to this monster — sit on panels and field inane questions from wheezing dweebs. Footage is screened from movies that are a year or so away from being released. That shot of Iron Man outmaneuvering fighter jets — it was first shown at last year’s Comic-Con. And it was also in pretty much every trailer for the movie until it was released last May. Some people got to see it before I did. I guess they win at life.
Now, I like comic book conventions. Make no mistake. There’s one at the Shrine Auditorium in Downtown L.A. every month or so, and I almost always go. And Wizard World L.A.? I’ve been to it the past three years. You can find some great deals, fill in any gaps in your collection, and smell 32 different flavors of body odor all under one roof when you go to a convention.
At the Shrine, it’s dizzying how many different items are on sale: comics, action figures, DVDs, movie posters, pornography, Happy Meal toys, more pornography, bootlegs and still more pornography. Comic book creators, C-list actors and obscure pinup models are always on hand to sign autographs — sometimes for a fee, sometimes for free crack. It’s creepy, it’s seedy, it’s a horrible place to bring a girl you’re trying to impress. But that’s kind of what I like about it.
Comic-Con is a convention that’s like Tim Roth after too many injections of the super-soldier serum and being exposed to Bruce Banner’s gamma-irradiated blood. It’s an Abomination, is what I’m saying. I don’t like lines, and from what I’ve read, that’s all Comic-Con is — one enormous line. You wait in line to get in, you wait in line to see a panel, you wait in line to buy a convention exclusive (Charlie Brown bobble head — w00t!), you wait in line to get free swag, you wait in line to smell the smelliest convention attendees. You have to begin doubting your patriotism when you go to an event that people line up for hours in advance. Lines are for Communists.
That said, you won’t see me queuing up at Comic-Con this year, or next year, or ever. Bugger that. I have Internet, I have an eBay account. Anything momentous that happens there — I’ll read about it soon enough online. Any bit of swag there that you can’t get anywhere else — it’ll be up for auction on eBay before you can say, “Why would anyone buy a Charlie Brown bobble head?” All the footage and previews and clips that are shown there — it’s guaranteed to be coming soon to a theater near you. So why do people keep going to this thing in droves? Well, they fell for the biggest Con of them all.
-Brad Lohan
Jun
23
George Carlin: 1937 - 2008
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I remember when I was 12 or 13, I taped a George Carlin special on HBO during one of their free preview weekends. We didn’t have pay cable when I was a teenager. The stand-ups I mostly saw were the toothless variety on “A&E’s An Evening at the Improv.” But I still loved stand-up comedy when I was a kid. I remember cooking up a game with my friends in which I pretended to be stand-up comedian. I got up on their porch, and holding a cylindrical block like a microphone, I made jokes about a wife I didn’t have and rattled off bits of observational humor about the other kids in the neighborhood while my friends stared at me blankly. We never played that game again. But if I’d ripped off George Carlin’s routine from his hour-long “Jammin’ in New York” HBO special, I’m sure it would’ve gone over better.
I must’ve watched that special a hundred times. In it, he riffs on the then-recent Persian Gulf War (”It’s the first war we ever had that was on every channel, plus cable.”), the prefix “pre,” a magazine called “Walking,” getting caught talking to yourself and airline travel. Airline travel’s a common theme among comics, but Carlin made it his own: “About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane. ‘Get on the plane. Get on the plane.’ I say, ‘F*** you, I’m getting IN the plane! IN the plane! Let Evil Knievel get ON the plane! I’ll be in here with you folks in uniform! There seems to be less WIND in here!’”
Carlin was a comedian known for his bad language, having rattled off the “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” early in his career, but his gift for deconstructing the English language is what elevated him above comics who just spout obscenities for effect. He provided insight beyond the simple, “Do you ever notice…?” banality so many stand-ups have built their sitcom careers upon.
With Carlin’s passing, now all my favorites of the form are gone. He’s joined the other greats — Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, Bill Hicks and Andy Kaufman — but left a wealth of performance material that will never seem too dated, too out-of-step. I could watch or listen to any one of his performances a hundred times more and find it just as funny. He was always ahead of his time, operating from a different plane of reality; you still can’t say those seven words on TV. With that in mind, I’m not sure if we’ll probably never make it to the same plane that Carlin was on…or in.
May 12th , 1937 - June 22nd, 2008
-Brad Lohan
Jun
19
Hot or Bot: The Mating Habits of Transformers
Filed Under Movies, Summer Blockbusters, TV, Toys | 1 Comment
In “Transformers: The Movie” — the animated one from 1986, not last summer’s live-action ‘roided up bug-bot noise fest — several new characters are introduced, the film being set in the far-flung future world of 2005. Hot Rod, Kup, Ultra Magnus, Wheelie and Arcee are some of the fresh new faces among the ranks of the Autobots. It’s not established where these ‘bots came from exactly. I believe that the original batch of Transformers were created by the floating, egg-shaped, five-faced Quintessons. But among the noobs, Arcee is clearly a female Robot in Disguise. She’s voiced by veteran actress — and Jason victim in “Friday the 13th: Part VII” — Susan Blu; she has a slender waist, birthing hips, even a bustline; and she’s pink. Pink equals girl in cartoon shorthand.
All that being said, if Arcee is equipped with an approximation of the female form (right down to her lipstick), it begs the question, “Can — uh — Transformers reproduce sexually?” Arcee appears to be part of the cast of Michael Bay’s upcoming “Transformers 2: First of the Fallen,” so now’s as good a time as any to explore this topic before every other mouth-breathing Internet blogger and Transfan pounces on it, too.
Assuming that the mechanics of the sexual act between male and female Transformers mirrors that of humans’, what sort of ‘bot-ily fluids are exchanged exactly? Blueprints, technical schematics, auto parts? Then within the womb of the female, is there a small factory that takes the design specs and accessories and customizes a baby ‘bot? Can I possibly wring another couple paragraphs out of this?
Or it could just be that Arcee’s a token female character, a half-hearted stab at luring in young female viewers. Maybe all the Transformers do simply roll right off the Quintessons’ assembly line, and Arcee’s lady parts are just for decoration, mooting volumes of hardcore Transformers fan-fic.
Whatever purpose Arcee’s naughty bits may serve, she’s treated as an equal among her fellow Autobots — all of whom have ginormous codpieces straight out of “A Clockwork Orange.” She’s portrayed as a capable warrior and one of the few characters in the ‘86 film that isn’t blown to Kingdom Come during a battle scene cut to hair metal. Maybe she’s capable of carrying Optimus Prime’s baby, but Arcee’s not built for fitting into a traditional gender role.
-Brad Lohan
Jun
7
“The Simpsons Ride” at Universal Studios Hollywood
Filed Under TV, Theme Parks | 1 Comment
This review comes a week later than I’d originally intended. Last Sunday, a fire broke out at Universal Studios Hollywood, and the park was closed for the entire day, the same day I’d been planning to go and ride the new Simpsons attraction. The devastation was confined only to the backlot, leveling the “Back to the Future” clock tower, the King Kong attraction from the Studio Tour and a video vault that contained “Knocked Up” and 39,999 other titles from Universal’s film library. Fortunately, duplicate copies of “Knocked Up” are kept in another vault off the property, so scenes with Katherine Heigl making love with her bra still on have not been lost forever. Whew!
Now one of the major regrets of my adult life — one that doesn’t involve women, anyway — is that I didn’t go on the “Back to the Future” ride when I went to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios in 2006. Had I known the attraction was going to soon be shuttered, I’d have enjoyed it at least one last time. But I thought it’d never close, not in a million years. After all, it’s one of the attractions there that’s actually based on a Universal Pictures movie. I’m looking at you, “Shrek 4-D” and “T2:3-D!”
As it turns out, I’m wrong about a lot of things. And one of them was the fate of the BTTF ride. It was ultimately closed down, and in its place, “The Simpsons Ride” (a 20th Century Fox property for anyone keeping score) was built. I’m a fan of “The Simpsons.” I actually enjoyed the film last summer more than most people, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea of the ride’s existence. I’d just prefer it if they hadn’t put it exactly where one of my long-time favorite rides once stood.
Bitterness aside, “The Simpsons Ride” is great fun. It’s a motion simulator, like BTTF, but it’s also quite possible that it exceeds the quality of BTTF. To be fair, “Back to the Future: The Ride” was something like fifteen years old. It was a little dated, but not quite as primordial as “Star Tours” at Disneyland. Still, an older ride isn’t without its charms. Every time I visit Universal — about once a year or so — I absolutely have to go on “Jurassic Park: The Ride,” an attraction that’s getting a little long in the tooth itself. But I’d boycott Universal for 100 lifetimes if they were ever to shut it down.
At any rate, the two times I went on “The Simpsons Ride” today were absolutely amazing and wowed me enough to no longer begrudge it for taking “Back to the Future: The Ride” away from me. The queue — or the “pre-show area” — is designed to look like Krustyland. You actually enter the line by walking through Krusty the Clown’s mouth on a “red carpet” that’s his unfurled, not to mention kinda squishy, tongue. The queue line is impressive in its detail, stopping short of painting all the tourists yellow to make them authentic-looking Simpsons characters. You really feel like you’re in Springfield. As you’re waiting interminably in line, ceiling-mounted TVs play selected clips from “The Simpsons,” mostly the episode where they go to a theme park and Itchy and Scratchy robots go beserk, a la “Westworld.” There’s also a great scene created for the attraction that explains why the BTTF ride was closed down and replaced by “The Simpsons Ride,” keeping with the show’s brilliant self-awareness.
The ride itself puts you in a car directly behind the Simpsons on a ginormous roller coaster. Sideshow Bob has taken control of the park and has begun wrecking shop. You and the Simpsons are hurled from one Krustyland attraction to the next. It’s impossible to keep up with the amount of jokes that are tossed off or take in all of the fantastic visuals throughout the ride. The video projection is all-CGI, not 2-D hand-drawn animation like the television show. Where it may sound jarring, like the “Homer³” segment in an old “Treehouse of Horror” episode, I think computer graphics make the world more immersive.
Universal may have broken my heart by closing down “Back to the Future: The Ride,” but they could’ve done a lot worse than having “The Simpsons Ride” take its place. That said, they should do something about lowering the price of their Duff energy drink. I’m not a huge fan of energy drinks. I am, however, a huge fan of clever theming and occasionally buy crap in gift shops I should’ve absolutely put back on the shelf. It was north of $5. For 12 ounces of Full Throttle. In a can that said “Duff.”
D’oh.
-Brad Lohan
See “Knocked Up,” now available from Universal Home Video.
May
15
I’m Batman…No, Wait. I’m G.I. Joe.
Filed Under Comics, Movies, TV, Toys | Leave a Comment
Black is the new black, apparently. For the better part of a decade, comic book and cartoon characters have had their colorful costumes made over as “none more black,” to paraphrase Spinal Tap, when translated to film. Batman, the X-Men and even Spider-Man — to be fair, Spidey’s costume change also took place in the comics — have appeared on the big screen in slimming black getups, not their more recognizable outfits, the ones that costume designers say “won’t work” on film. It sometimes makes you wonder why these films are even shot in color.
Stills from the upcoming “G.I. Joe” movie began trickling out recently. The first one I saw was of a fan-favorite — the disfigured mute ninja in a knight’s helmet, Snake Eyes. It was as faithful a translation from cartoon-to-film as one could ask for. Granted, the character is black-clad on the television show and in the comics, so he had a bit of an advantage over the other Joes inasmuch as he wasn’t at risk of designers eighty-sixing his entire look in favor of something more Matrix-y.
It’s Snake Eyes’ teammates, at least the ones in the other stills I’ve seen, whose outfits are as interchangable as the b-lister Autobots and Decepticons in Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” They should be wearing “Hello…My Name is ____” stickers on their vacuformed black kevlar jumpsuits — jumpsuits that look very much like the body armor Bruce Wayne uses for “spelunking” in “Batman Begins.”
And where the hell’s Shipwreck?! I’ve been trying to scoop up an action figure of my favorite bearded sailor — the one from the ’80s, not the new one that makes him look like he has spinal meningitis — on eBay but I’m always outbid at the last minute. Now he’s not even going to be back in black in the movie next year? It’s probably just as well. I wouldn’t be able to pick him out from the other black-garbed Joes anyway.
-Brad Lohan