When I fall in love with a franchise, I fall hard. I collect all manner of dumb bullshit associated with the film cycle. Currently, I own three out of the four “Star Trek” glasses from Burger King. I got a free t-shirt at the 12:01 am screening of the movie earlier this month. I’m even holding out hope that I’ll someday meet a green-skinned chick that I can add to my menagerie.

I’ve always been a collector. Toys, comics, DVDs, apparel, drinkware — I love all manner of useless crap that does not impress women. Last night I shaved with a Wolverine Quattro razor. Now that I have more discretionary income, not to mention an eBay account, I don’t have to wait for my birthday or Christmas to roll around, like I did when I was a kid, to add to my collection.

But what happens when a franchise starts to go stale? I own “X3: X-Men United,” but I can’t see myself giving it a spin again. If I lived closer to Amoeba Music — the puppy lake for DVDs I no longer wish to own — I’d probably sell it back as I did with “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.” It’s a sin against completism, I know. Still, I can’t see myself shelling out money for movies and other ancillary junk that belong to a creatively bankrupt film series.

So does that make me an incompletist? I mean, I own “Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction” on DVD. I have a fairly high tolerance for misfires, all things being equal. But one can only love a franchise so much before having to let it go.

-Brad Lohan

At any rate, Captain Planet is actually not a military officer. He’s the manifestation of the four elements — earth, fire, wind and water — as well as “heart,” which gives him the empathy and compassion that’s lacking in your average right-winger. Captain Planet is more or less a deus ex machina. The Planeteers, a group of five teenagers from different cultural backgrouds, anchor the television show, chasing eco-terrorists to the ends of the earth. Each Planeteer wears a power ring that gives him or her control over one of the above-mentioned elements. Poor Ma-Ti got gypped and has to wear the sissified “heart” ring.

When the Planeteers are confronted with some challenge that they can’t possibly overcome themsevles, which is in virtually every single episode, they combine their powers to summon Captain Planet, who hands the badguys their asses. Captain Planet’s not entirely indestructible, though. He is, as you may have guessed, vulnerable to toxic waste or other pollutants. Cleaning him off after he’s been sprayed with crude oil or whatever usually restores his powers to him.

All the villains on the show are mutant monsters who represented some type of industry that poses a threat to the environment. For instance, Duke Nukem, not to be confused with the retarded video game character, is a glowing radioactive creature; Hoggish Greedly is a pig-faced Rush Limbaugh-lookalike that cuts down rain forests; and so on and so forth.

Captain Planet was created by media mogul Ted Turner, believe it or not, and the show ran on TBS for a short period in the early ’90s. I assume the character’s origins were born of the collective outrage people felt in the wake of the Chernobyl disaster and the Exxon Valdez oil spill. The character seems just as viable today, but unfortunately, environmentalism is still some kind of psuedo-science if you believe what the talking [shit]heads tell you on our corporately owned media outlets. I’d love to see Captain Planet return to the small screen or even the big screen. A twenty-first century update would definitely be interesting. He might want to lose the mullet, though.

-Brad Lohan

That said, here’s a list of my top 10 favorite haunts in the L.A. area:

The Nuart

This is easily my favorite movie house in L.A. I’ve been to more midnight movies here than I can count. The most recent one I saw was “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” They also show very obscure art films in extremely limited release. I can’t wait to see “Anvil” next month.

Amoeba Music

Looking for hard-to-find CDs or DVDs? I’d recommend Amoeba. Short on cash? Sell them your used DVDs and CDs for store credit or some greenbacks. Unfortunately, they used to have a more generous buyback policy than they do now. A few years ago, I walked away with almost $200 for a stack of ill-informed blind buys they gladly took off my hands. More recently, I left with about $18. Still, their selection of rare and used DVDs is significantly better than the bargain bin at your local Blockbuster.

House of Secrets

This is where Paul Dini and Joss Whedon buy their comics. I know because I’ve seen them there. If you’ve never heard of them, well, you probably don’t read comics, watch cartoons or like cult TV shows. At any rate, HOS also knocks at least 10% off your purchases, and you don’t even need to have a pull file. Someone even spraypainted “Who Watches the WATCHMF” on the outside of their building. I don’t advocate vandalism, nor poor spelling, but that’s still kind of cool.

Cinefile

Right next door to the Nuart is the best video store in all of Los Angeles. Where else will you find a place that has a “Charles Bronson” section? Cinefile categorizes their movies by filmmaker, subgenre and even “Holy F***ing S***!” titles. This is where real cineastes rent or buy films. Brett Ratner goes here, too.

The ArcLight Hollywood

I’ll drive all the way from the Westside to Hollywood to catch a movie at the Dome every now and then. The last one was, of course, “Watchmen.” Here’s a theater that has some great filmmaker Q&As and screening series. I also found a book called “Playboy: Redheads” in their gift shop once. I couldn’t put it down!

Dark Delicacies

I don’t like shopping in big box bookstores. I find their horror and film selections to be lacking. Oh, Barnes & Noble has a lot of books, but none that are rare or used. Dark Delicacies carries all manner of out-of-print titles, and the staff is immensely helpful. They also line up some great author and filmmaker signings. I got Lloyd Kaufman to autograph my copy of “Toxic Avenger: The Novel,” a book that’s quite a fetching read!

Cafe ’50s

I don’t understand my fascination with the 1950s. Maybe it’s because my parents were born back then. I have no idea. Whatever the reason, I have nostalgia for a period in which I never lived. Fortunately, there’s a Cafe ’50s just a short walk from my apartment, and in my opinion, it’s the best in L.A.; there’s one in Venice and another in Sherman Oaks. I almost always get a hamburger and an Oreo cookie milkshake — with frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, of course. You can even play board games like Connect Four while waiting for your food. Fun fact: I really suck at Connect Four!

The Groundlings

The sketch comedy shows at the Groundlings are always funnier than any Judd Apatow bromance picture now playing in theaters. There are some incredibly hysterical unknown actors — and a few known ones — performing either improv or scripted material every night. I personally prefer the scripted shows; improv can be a mixed bag.

Blast From the Past

Buying back your childhood? Well, if you’re constantly being outbid on eBay, try Blast From the Past. Here you’ll find all manner of collectibles from your childhood that you broke or wantonly discarded. The toys on the pegs here are way cooler than all the “Ben 10″ bullshit I see at Toys ‘R Us now.

The Puzzle Zoo

The Third Street Promenade isn’t just a homeless talent show. Yes, there you’ll probably see the fat guy who paints himself silver and wears silver clothes and wants you to give him money because he can stand really still. But you’ll also find the Puzzle Zoo, another great place to pick up hard-to-find action figures from your childhood. It’s definitely a better way to spend your money than giving it to some d-bag with a guitar who sings U2 songs that I don’t even like when Bono sings them.

So those are the places that I spent most of my free time and my discretionary income. Check ‘em out.

-Brad Lohan

I watched an episode of “The Real Ghostbusters” cartoon a few nights ago. I hadn’t seen the show since I was a kid, but I actually remembered a few scenes from”Citizen Ghost,” which revolves around Slimer joining the team. On a side note, the ep was written by J. Michael Straczynski, who would go on to create “Babylon 5,” write some of the worst issues of “The Amazing Spider-Man” I’ve ever read, and pen the poorly-reviewed Clint Eastwood movie, “Changeling.” Nonetheless, I thought the cartoon was pretty fun to watch. The episode wasn’t as awesome as the one where a group of ghosts set themselves up as direct competitors to the Ghostbusters, but I’d consider buying the series on DVD when it’s eventually released. Is that me being nostalgic or do I simply think the material still works for me today?

There are some rather sophisticated geeks on the Interwebs who hate the fact that hardcore fans of something or other can’t divorce themselves from nostalgia and reexamine their childhood staples with a more critical eye. I call this the War on Nostalgia; cue the Fox News sting! And like any war on an idea, it’s an unwinnable one. Nostalgia does enter into the equation to some degree when it comes to whether or not I’m fond of a given franchise. Still, being older and more cynical doesn’t necessarily mean all my sensibilities have been recalibrated. I simply like genre storytelling. I always have. I probably always will. That doesn’t mean I give everything a free pass. I think the “Transformers” cartoon falls apart after the first season, and I couldn’t even get through Disc 1 of the “G.I. Joe” animated series when I bought it on DVD a couple years ago.

There has to be a something about the material that excites me beyond the fact that I saw it when I was a kid. It has to have reasonable production values, quality storytelling and a charm that makes it more than just a 22-minute toy commercial. Otherwise, it’s no better than the crap that passes for Saturday morning cartoons today.

Nostalgia isn’t enough to keep me engrossed in a given property. It might be for some, but I think even the most devoted fan has to admit that not every franchise spinoff is fried gold. That being said, I find it kind of ridiculous when fans gang up on one another to challenge the merits of a particular brand. Is it a fight worth having? Maybe it is when you’re 10. But in that regard, I’d really have to suggest that everyone grow the hell up.

-Brad Lohan

When I was a kid, I was a colossal fan of the Ninja Turtles. The concept is at once hilarious and ingenious. Four turtles are exposed to radioactive mutagen that turns them into anthropomorphic reptilian teenagers. They’re trained in the art of ninjitsu by a humanoid rat, and with the help of a TV news reporter, they battle a crime ring headed up by a masked nogoodnik with a fetish for sharp objects. Named after Renaissance painters, the turtles are nonetheless impetuous adolescents, who love pizza and pop cultural references. Each has wields his own particular ninja weapon and wears a color-coded bandanna, so you can tell them apart.

I remember seeing “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” in the theater four times during its original release and probably north of a hundred times on home video. Watching it again last Friday at the Nuart, I was struck by how well it still plays. The turtle costumes — created by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop — look great; I even noticed a scar on Raphael’s nose. The martial artists inside the bulky outfits also manage to pull off some pretty spectacular moves during the fight sequences. This film was made back when action was coherently shot and edited.

Miraculously, the script does not short-change the characters or the story. The film cherry-picks elements of the comics and the cartoon, which have slightly different approaches to the material, and the finished product is something that fans of one or the other (or both) can enjoy. The movie’s also endlessly quotable. I learned that the hard way the other night, when I found myself sitting in front of an entire row of assholes who were saying every line of dialogue along with the characters. After about ten minutes of that horseshit, I moved.

I think the original 1990 movie represents the apex of the franchise.  To celebrate the Turtles’ 25th anniversary, in the coming weeks I’ll blog about the comics, the cartoon, the movie sequels and the 2007 all-CGI film. Cowabunga.

-Brad Lohan

I’ve spent the past couple of years in a state of stunned silence, as action figures from my childhood have begun reappearing on the pegs at Toys ‘R Us. They’ve all been poorly redesigned, looking like knockoffs of the original toys they’re supposed to be re-imagining. The new G.I. Joes in particular appear to have some sort of bone disorder.

After the success of 2007’s ho-hum “Transformers” movie, Paramount greenlit a live-action adaptation of the G.I. Joe toy line, and Stephen Sommers was sprung from movie jail to direct. Last night, I read in the latest issue of “ToyFare” some frighteningly stupid details about the forthcoming “G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra.” I guess the horrible looking black costumes the Joes wear are called “Accelerator Suits” that augment their strength and speed — uh-oh. Worse, Destro doesn’t wear a chrome mask, the Joes’ base of operations is in Saudi Arabia(?!), and Marlon Wayans is in this thing. They didn’t put Shipwreck, Roadblock or Gung-Ho in the movie, but it’s got one of the dudes from “White Chicks.”

I almost think this is like some big joke on the fans. It appears as though the filmmakers have completely abandoned the source material and gone in a direction that jettisons anything remotely cool about the cartoon. Granted, the ‘toon wasn’t exactly the most realistic depiction of combat, but why couldn’t they have just aped its weirdness (chiefly, the 40,000-year-old snake people) instead of trying to reinvent the wheel?

-Brad Lohan

All that being said, if Arcee is equipped with an approximation of the female form (right down to her lipstick), it begs the question, “Can — uh — Transformers reproduce sexually?” Arcee appears to be part of the cast of Michael Bay’s upcoming “Transformers 2: First of the Fallen,” so now’s as good a time as any to explore this topic before every other mouth-breathing Internet blogger and Transfan pounces on it, too.

Assuming that the mechanics of the sexual act between male and female Transformers mirrors that of humans’, what sort of ‘bot-ily fluids are exchanged exactly? Blueprints, technical schematics, auto parts? Then within the womb of the female, is there a small factory that takes the design specs and accessories and customizes a baby ‘bot? Can I possibly wring another couple paragraphs out of this?

Or it could just be that Arcee’s a token female character, a half-hearted stab at luring in young female viewers. Maybe all the Transformers do simply roll right off the Quintessons’ assembly line, and Arcee’s lady parts are just for decoration, mooting volumes of hardcore Transformers fan-fic.

Whatever purpose Arcee’s naughty bits may serve, she’s treated as an equal among her fellow Autobots — all of whom have ginormous codpieces straight out of “A Clockwork Orange.” She’s portrayed as a capable warrior and one of the few characters in the ‘86 film that isn’t blown to Kingdom Come during a battle scene cut to hair metal. Maybe she’s capable of carrying Optimus Prime’s baby, but Arcee’s not built for fitting into a traditional gender role.

-Brad Lohan

Stills from the upcoming “G.I. Joe” movie began trickling out recently. The first one I saw was of a fan-favorite — the disfigured mute ninja in a knight’s helmet, Snake Eyes. It was as faithful a translation from cartoon-to-film as one could ask for. Granted, the character is black-clad on the television show and in the comics, so he had a bit of an advantage over the other Joes inasmuch as he wasn’t at risk of designers eighty-sixing his entire look in favor of something more Matrix-y.

It’s Snake Eyes’ teammates, at least the ones in the other stills I’ve seen, whose outfits are as interchangable as the b-lister Autobots and Decepticons in Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” They should be wearing “Hello…My Name is ____” stickers on their vacuformed black kevlar jumpsuits — jumpsuits that look very much like the body armor Bruce Wayne uses for “spelunking” in “Batman Begins.”

And where the hell’s Shipwreck?! I’ve been trying to scoop up an action figure of my favorite bearded sailor — the one from the ’80s, not the new one that makes him look like he has spinal meningitis — on eBay but I’m always outbid at the last minute. Now he’s not even going to be back in black in the movie next year? It’s probably just as well. I wouldn’t be able to pick him out from the other black-garbed Joes anyway.

-Brad Lohan

I almost bought The Joker but found the sculpting job too inadequate in capturing the late Heath Ledger’s grotesque make-up job. So, I put the toy back on the peg and only later did I realize I could’ve sold that very same $7 figure on eBay for north of fifty bucks.

Heath Ledger’s unexpected death last March has absolutely cast a long shadow over the post-production period on “The Dark Knight.” The studio has wisely not shied away from showcasing his performance as The Joker in the theatrical trailers, though the audience’s hyper-awareness of every circumstance surrounding his passing lends an odd sense of unintended pathos to the character. When test-screened last month, the unfinished film received negative marks from the focus group regarding a scene in which The Joker is… (*potential spoiler*) seen in a body bag (*end spoiler*). Never mind that this is the same character who guns down all of his partners in crime during a bank robbery in the opening scene of “The Dark Knight” that played before the IMAX version of “I Am Legend” last fall. The audience cannot separate the promising young actor who died of an accidental overdose from a knife-wielding psychotic with heavy scar tissue around his lips that gives him a permanently fixed sneer.

Toy collectors, however, have no conscience about these sorts of things. Collectors of any stripe tend to have an unfortunate degree of moral relativism surrounding their hobby. I read a letter in last month’s “Toy Fare” in which a reader lamented that his O.J. Simpson football cards didn’t increase in value after the murders in Brentwood. Why Simpson’s much-speculated connection to the unsolved double-homicide would create a greater demand for his memorabilia is any kook’s guess. I find it somewhat tasteless. A celebrity’s death — or having caused someone’s death — should not create an added value to whatever widget that bears his name and/or likeness.

People should have more class than to drop $50 on an action figure that resembles the late actor who portrayed him. I can understand there being demand for the toy if it’s a rare “chase” figure or if The Joker is a collector’s favorite Batman villain. But wanting the toy simply because the actor’s dead is just weird and macabre. Why not collect action figures of your dead relatives? I’m sure you could find a customizer online who’ll kitbash one for you. And for much less than $50.

-Brad Lohan

The origins of the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” however, owe more to Frank Miller than your average Saturday morning cartoon. In the early-1980s, comic book creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird came up with the Turtles as a goof on Miller’s then-current “Daredevil” run. The canister of mutanagenic ooze that transformed four abandoned turtle house pets into adolescent martial artists was — unofficially — the same container that struck young Matt Murdock in the face, blinding him but heightening his four remaining senses. Murdock was subsequently trained in physical combat by a man called Stick; the Turtles’ were taught to fight by Splinter. Daredevil goes toe-to-toe with an army of ninjas known as the Hand; the Turtles battle the Foot. Why the Marvel and Mirage Studios have never done a crossover between the Turtles and Daredevil is beyond reason.

Eastman and Laird also emulated Miller’s gritty artistic style and bloody violence. The Turtles are more oddly proportioned and creepy, rendered in high-contrast black-and-white. They would seem more at home in “Sin City” than on a grade schooler’s lunchbox. But it’s the very same style NECA has emulated in their new line of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures that now adorn my shelf.

I never outgrew toys, either. And this afternoon my TMNT figs finally arrived. At first, I thought I shouldn’t open them. The four Turtles were packaged together in a box that could easily be displayed. But it had acquired a few dings and dents in transit; it was sadly no longer “mint-on-card.” That being said, I’ve freed all four Turtles from their packaging, equipped them with their respective weapons and huddled them together in a dramatic pose that the cat will likely knock over while I’m at work tomorrow.

Cowabunga.

-Brad Lohan