Jun
19
Hot or Bot: The Mating Habits of Transformers
Filed Under Movies, Summer Blockbusters, TV, Toys | 1 Comment
In “Transformers: The Movie” — the animated one from 1986, not last summer’s live-action ‘roided up bug-bot noise fest — several new characters are introduced, the film being set in the far-flung future world of 2005. Hot Rod, Kup, Ultra Magnus, Wheelie and Arcee are some of the fresh new faces among the ranks of the Autobots. It’s not established where these ‘bots came from exactly. I believe that the original batch of Transformers were created by the floating, egg-shaped, five-faced Quintessons. But among the noobs, Arcee is clearly a female Robot in Disguise. She’s voiced by veteran actress — and Jason victim in “Friday the 13th: Part VII” — Susan Blu; she has a slender waist, birthing hips, even a bustline; and she’s pink. Pink equals girl in cartoon shorthand.
All that being said, if Arcee is equipped with an approximation of the female form (right down to her lipstick), it begs the question, “Can — uh — Transformers reproduce sexually?” Arcee appears to be part of the cast of Michael Bay’s upcoming “Transformers 2: First of the Fallen,” so now’s as good a time as any to explore this topic before every other mouth-breathing Internet blogger and Transfan pounces on it, too.
Assuming that the mechanics of the sexual act between male and female Transformers mirrors that of humans’, what sort of ‘bot-ily fluids are exchanged exactly? Blueprints, technical schematics, auto parts? Then within the womb of the female, is there a small factory that takes the design specs and accessories and customizes a baby ‘bot? Can I possibly wring another couple paragraphs out of this?
Or it could just be that Arcee’s a token female character, a half-hearted stab at luring in young female viewers. Maybe all the Transformers do simply roll right off the Quintessons’ assembly line, and Arcee’s lady parts are just for decoration, mooting volumes of hardcore Transformers fan-fic.
Whatever purpose Arcee’s naughty bits may serve, she’s treated as an equal among her fellow Autobots — all of whom have ginormous codpieces straight out of “A Clockwork Orange.” She’s portrayed as a capable warrior and one of the few characters in the ‘86 film that isn’t blown to Kingdom Come during a battle scene cut to hair metal. Maybe she’s capable of carrying Optimus Prime’s baby, but Arcee’s not built for fitting into a traditional gender role.
-Brad Lohan
May
15
I’m Batman…No, Wait. I’m G.I. Joe.
Filed Under Comics, Movies, TV, Toys | Leave a Comment
Black is the new black, apparently. For the better part of a decade, comic book and cartoon characters have had their colorful costumes made over as “none more black,” to paraphrase Spinal Tap, when translated to film. Batman, the X-Men and even Spider-Man — to be fair, Spidey’s costume change also took place in the comics — have appeared on the big screen in slimming black getups, not their more recognizable outfits, the ones that costume designers say “won’t work” on film. It sometimes makes you wonder why these films are even shot in color.
Stills from the upcoming “G.I. Joe” movie began trickling out recently. The first one I saw was of a fan-favorite — the disfigured mute ninja in a knight’s helmet, Snake Eyes. It was as faithful a translation from cartoon-to-film as one could ask for. Granted, the character is black-clad on the television show and in the comics, so he had a bit of an advantage over the other Joes inasmuch as he wasn’t at risk of designers eighty-sixing his entire look in favor of something more Matrix-y.
It’s Snake Eyes’ teammates, at least the ones in the other stills I’ve seen, whose outfits are as interchangable as the b-lister Autobots and Decepticons in Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” They should be wearing “Hello…My Name is ____” stickers on their vacuformed black kevlar jumpsuits — jumpsuits that look very much like the body armor Bruce Wayne uses for “spelunking” in “Batman Begins.”
And where the hell’s Shipwreck?! I’ve been trying to scoop up an action figure of my favorite bearded sailor — the one from the ’80s, not the new one that makes him look like he has spinal meningitis — on eBay but I’m always outbid at the last minute. Now he’s not even going to be back in black in the movie next year? It’s probably just as well. I wouldn’t be able to pick him out from the other black-garbed Joes anyway.
-Brad Lohan
May
8
Dead Oscar-Nominated Actors… Collect Them All!
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Last weekend, I saw the new line of action figures for “The Dark Knight” — a half-dozen different Batmen in a variety costumes that have little to nothing to do with the plot of the film and Batman’s nemesis, The Joker. I thought the scupts were generally mediocre, like those for the previous Batman film. Their likenesses only vaguely resemble their cinematic counterparts in that they each have two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Toy sculpts have come a long way in terms of sophistication over the past decade, as the adult collector market has grown significantly. But some manufacturers still do things on the cheap, and “The Dark Knight” line looks like a quickie attempt to rake in some ancillary profits, not raise the bar in terms of toy design.
I almost bought The Joker but found the sculpting job too inadequate in capturing the late Heath Ledger’s grotesque make-up job. So, I put the toy back on the peg and only later did I realize I could’ve sold that very same $7 figure on eBay for north of fifty bucks.
Heath Ledger’s unexpected death last March has absolutely cast a long shadow over the post-production period on “The Dark Knight.” The studio has wisely not shied away from showcasing his performance as The Joker in the theatrical trailers, though the audience’s hyper-awareness of every circumstance surrounding his passing lends an odd sense of unintended pathos to the character. When test-screened last month, the unfinished film received negative marks from the focus group regarding a scene in which The Joker is… (*potential spoiler*) seen in a body bag (*end spoiler*). Never mind that this is the same character who guns down all of his partners in crime during a bank robbery in the opening scene of “The Dark Knight” that played before the IMAX version of “I Am Legend” last fall. The audience cannot separate the promising young actor who died of an accidental overdose from a knife-wielding psychotic with heavy scar tissue around his lips that gives him a permanently fixed sneer.
Toy collectors, however, have no conscience about these sorts of things. Collectors of any stripe tend to have an unfortunate degree of moral relativism surrounding their hobby. I read a letter in last month’s “Toy Fare” in which a reader lamented that his O.J. Simpson football cards didn’t increase in value after the murders in Brentwood. Why Simpson’s much-speculated connection to the unsolved double-homicide would create a greater demand for his memorabilia is any kook’s guess. I find it somewhat tasteless. A celebrity’s death — or having caused someone’s death — should not create an added value to whatever widget that bears his name and/or likeness.
People should have more class than to drop $50 on an action figure that resembles the late actor who portrayed him. I can understand there being demand for the toy if it’s a rare “chase” figure or if The Joker is a collector’s favorite Batman villain. But wanting the toy simply because the actor’s dead is just weird and macabre. Why not collect action figures of your dead relatives? I’m sure you could find a customizer online who’ll kitbash one for you. And for much less than $50.
-Brad Lohan
Apr
14
I never outgrew the Turtles. Like any adolescent boy in the late-1980s, I was enamored of the four irradiated tortoise-like humanoids named for Renaissance painters and trained in the art of ninjitsu by their mentor, an overgrown rat called Splinter. The Turtles were sworn enemies of the Shredder — Darth Vader with a black belt and a fetish for sharp edges. Each Turtle wore a color-coded headband (so as to not be recognized?) and was equipped with his own unique instrument of death or dismemberment. They were also befriended by the bosomy TV news reporter, April O’Neil, a redhead in a banana-yellow jumpsuit who added a touch of “Aoogah!” to the male-dominated proceedings.
The origins of the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” however, owe more to Frank Miller than your average Saturday morning cartoon. In the early-1980s, comic book creators Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird came up with the Turtles as a goof on Miller’s then-current “Daredevil” run. The canister of mutanagenic ooze that transformed four abandoned turtle house pets into adolescent martial artists was — unofficially — the same container that struck young Matt Murdock in the face, blinding him but heightening his four remaining senses. Murdock was subsequently trained in physical combat by a man called Stick; the Turtles’ were taught to fight by Splinter. Daredevil goes toe-to-toe with an army of ninjas known as the Hand; the Turtles battle the Foot. Why the Marvel and Mirage Studios have never done a crossover between the Turtles and Daredevil is beyond reason.
Eastman and Laird also emulated Miller’s gritty artistic style and bloody violence. The Turtles are more oddly proportioned and creepy, rendered in high-contrast black-and-white. They would seem more at home in “Sin City” than on a grade schooler’s lunchbox. But it’s the very same style NECA has emulated in their new line of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures that now adorn my shelf.
I never outgrew toys, either. And this afternoon my TMNT figs finally arrived. At first, I thought I shouldn’t open them. The four Turtles were packaged together in a box that could easily be displayed. But it had acquired a few dings and dents in transit; it was sadly no longer “mint-on-card.” That being said, I’ve freed all four Turtles from their packaging, equipped them with their respective weapons and huddled them together in a dramatic pose that the cat will likely knock over while I’m at work tomorrow.
Cowabunga.
-Brad Lohan