Anyone who does not want “Remember Me” spoiled for them, Robert Pattinson’s character dies on 9/11. I mean, don’t read the previous sentence. Oh, snap. Isn’t that the greatest spoiler you’ve ever read? That’s better than Will Smith committing suicide in a bathtub with a jellyfish in “Seven Pounds.”

Can 9/11 kill a vampire, though? This is a “Twilight” vampire we’re talking about here. They’re tough hombres. They can go outside during the day and sparkle like children’s toothpaste. I’m pretty sure they can survive practically anything.

So does this mean I’m going to see “Remember Me?” Pfft, fuggedaboutit.

-Brad Lohan

At any rate, the trailer for “Funny People” reveals every major plot point in the film. The movie’s about a famous comedian (Adam Sandler) who takes a novice stand-up (Seth Rogen) under his wing. Sandler’s character soon reveals to Rogen’s character that he has a terminal illness. We also learn that Sandler’s character is divorced and his ex-wife’s now married to a wealthy Australian (Eric Bana). The film seems to be a dramedy about humorists coping with the harsh realities they make light of on-stage. I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Adam Sandler, but I’d watch him in this. However, the trailer’s not done yet. No, Sandler’s character finds out that he’s not dying after all, which suddenly gives him a renewed sense of purpose. He wants to win back his ex (Leslie Mann). Sandler’s character and Bana’s character get into a fight, and Mann’s character is even seen having what appears to be an argument that ends their relationship.

Pretty much the only thing this movie doesn’t give away is who the Best Boy was on the picture. If you go see this movie, it’s essentially to fill in the blanks. And that’s disappointing. There’s really no reason to spoil the fact that Sandler’s character is going to live after all. The studio’s probably nervous about selling a Judd Apatow movie that isn’t a straight comedy like “40-Year-Old Virgin” or “Knocked Up,” so they want to reassure audiences that the terminal illness bit is resolved by the film’s midpoint. But I think that sucks all the drama out of everything leading up to the realization that Adam Sandler’s character will live. Or, this is a classic case of trailer misdirection and the sonofabitch is killed by Eric Bana’s character at the end of the film.

Now, that’d be pretty funny, people.

-Brad Lohan

If you don’t want to know who’s going to win until Oscar night, you probably shouldn’t read any further. Of course, I can’t vouch for the authenticity of this list, but it looks like it’s been signed by Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. On a side note, I don’t really see how movies are all that science-y.

There are no real surprises here. “Slumdog” wins. Mickey wins. Kate wins. Heath wins. “Dark Knight” wins some boring technical awards. “Benjamin Button” is shut out of all the major categories and deservedly so. It’s a movie that’s worth watching, but all the noms it got really demonstrated how weak 2008 was.

I plan on skipping the Oscar broadcast altogether. Anything interesting that happens on the show will doubtless end up on YouTube: the fashion faux pas, the flubs, the few moments that hardly make the 4-hour event worth watching. Even if I were nominated for something (Best Blog?), I doubt I’d attend. Well, maybe I would if I knew in advance I was going to win.

-Brad Lohan

I’m doing this lookback a week late, I know. I don’t get cable. My mom records the show and sends me the tapes because she’s cool like that. At any rate, the tape of the final three eps arrived last night.

I’d decided to not read any episode recaps or spoliers for the last two episodes — “Possible Kill Screen” and “Family Meeting.” I trusted series creator Shawn Ryan not to let me down. I’ve been retarded for this show since its debut in 2002. It’s one of those rare TV series that I can actually get into and isn’t canceled after a season. It’s an even rarer TV series in that there’s an appropriate sendoff rather than the network deciding not to renew it for another season.

Detective Vic Mackey, played by Michael Chiklis, has an arc, going from the dirtiest cop in the fictional Farmington District of Los Angeles to riding a desk as another empty suit at ICE. His closest friends on the force are either in jail or dead, and his estranged family is in witness protection. The deal he has with ICE guarantees him immunity from every crime he committed under color of authority, even executing a cop who was informing on him in the first episode. But he’s still in his own prison, chained to a desk. And on that desk are photos of his children, all three of which he’ll never see again. Clark Johnson, who directed the final episode, allows Mackey’s isolation to play out, as he remains in the office long after everyone else has gone home, late enough that the lights go out automatically and leave him in the dark. It’s quiet scenes like these that you rarely see on television, and Chiklis conveys so much without any dialogue — the weight of seven seasons’ worth of transgressions crushing down on him.

I also enjoyed Chiklis’ performance in the penultimate episode. As part of his immunity deal with ICE, Mackey has to confess to all his illegal actions. Anything he doesn’t own up to he can still be charged with. Seated at a microphone across from Agent Olivia Murray (Laurie Holden, who has the most awesome left eyebrow on network TV), Mackey spills his guts about everything. But there’s a moment before he starts talking — a long, drawn out moment — where he just sits there. You can see the wheels turning. Mackey’s a criminal mastermind. You almost half-expect him to get up from the table without having said a thing, completely convinced his every act was justified. He is a bit of a sociopath. Nonetheless, he starts giving himself up to this poor woman, knowing that nothing he says can come back and haunt him. Murray obviously had no idea what sort of a man she was bringing on board. At the end of it all, she says to him, “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me?” It’s an amazing bit of television.

What’s so fantastic about the show, what kept me enthralled for the past seven seasons is how a nogoodnik like Vic Mackey remained empathetic. Yes, he swung from hero to anti-hero and back again multiple times, often within the context of one episode. Part of me was convinced for awhile, somewhere around season five, that he’d redeemed himself for murdering another cop. The bad things he did always seemed to serve a greater good — protecting the men on his Strike Team, providing for his family, keeping the streets safe. It isn’t until the last episode when his former partner Ronnie is arrested and hung out to dry because he wasn’t part of Mackey’s deal with ICE that you realize the character is at his core a self-serving bastard.

“The Shield” isn’t a redemption plot, but a testing plot. Everything he’s been put through didn’t make Vic Mackey go from Beast to Human. Instead, he went from Leader to Tyrant, and that was in the pilot. He now never has to answer for the crimes he committed and has destroyed everyone in his circle. In the end, he still has his freedom from prosecution, but life as he knows it is over. He’s now just another bureaucrat who has to put his name on his lunch in the breakroom fridge. It’s a bit of an unceremonious ending for a man whose name is Victor. And that’s what I like about it.

-Brad Lohan

Most people like to remain spoiler-free. I can see where they’re coming from. It was definitely easier to remain unspoiled before the Internet took off. But at the very same time, movies have generally gotten worse. Or, maybe I’ve either become more sophisticated or more of a schmuck…or both! At any rate, I’m of the opinion that it’s not the destination, but the journey. A movie’s ending should wrap things up nicely and have a surprise or two. Thing is, filmmakers almost always screw that up. It’s why DVDs sometimes have a half-dozen alternate endings. It’s practically interactive cinema, a lame choose-your-own-adventure approach to storytelling.

To hell with that. Do yourself a favor, and ruin the ending for yourself way ahead of time. Ruin every inch of the movie. Then go in and see how much better the experience is when you’re not only one step ahead of the movie, but the audience, too. You’ll enjoy the film more, knowing what’s coming. You’re no longer worried about whether you’ll like the movie. Instead, you’ve already prepared yourself well in advance for anything that’s problematic. And, sometimes, the spoilers come from an earlier draft of the script and have since been changed. So you’re in for surprises nonetheless.

Who could’ve seen that coming?

-Brad Lohan

For weeks after the release of “The Dark Knight,” fanboys endlessly debated the fate of Two-Face. CHUD.com has recently gone to the source, actor Aaron Eckhart, and the revelation is none too surprising. Two-Face bought the farm in the filum. So why was there all the breathless debating among fanboys? I thought it was made pretty clear within the context of the film. I didn’t walk out thinking Nolan was being ambiguous or anything. TDK doesn’t have an ending like “Friday the 13th.” But I guess it’s a superhero movie at the end of the day, and with that in mind, you never can be too sure if someone’s really dead or just faking.

Take Jim Gordon. He fakes his death in “The Dark Knight” to protect his family. It’s sort of a dodgy bit of plotting considering that he isn’t on the Joker’s radar until he becomes Commissioner later in the film, but whatever. At any rate, fans were divided about the Gordon being allowed to die and come back, but not Two-Face. What they don’t understand, or refuse to understand is that Gordon’s character arc isn’t completed when he takes a bullet for the mayor. Remember, he gets promoted to Commissioner after the Joker’s arrest, after he fakes his death. It’d be like killing off Anakin Skywalker before he turns into Darth Vader, a plot twist I wouldn’t have minded actually when I look back on the prequels. What I’m saying is, you can’t kill Commissioner Gordon before he becomes Commissioner. His death and resurrection makes sense in the context of the hero’s journey. A hero must “die” and visit the underworld before he returns to the land of the living and kicks some ass.

So why can’t Two-Face come back? For one, he’s not a hero. His character arc is pretty much complete when he falls to his death at the end of the film — another victim of Batman’s “I don’t have to save you” policy regarding badguys. Hell, Harvey Dent (before becoming Two-Face) foreshadows his own fate earlier in the film with this line: “You either die a hero, or see yourself live long enough to become the villain.” He doesn’t die heroically in the warehouse explosion that disfigures him. Rather, he survives and goes on a villainous rampage, ultimately holding Gordon and his family hostage until Batman comes along.

Chris Nolan’s too smart a writer to bring Two-Face back for “Batman 3.” The character’s story has been told. There’s nothing more to see here. Move along.

A character’s death — I don’t care if it’s in a movie, a comic book, or a movie based on a comic book — should have a profound impact on the story. It should have lend gravity to the caper. And it often does. Check out some of my favorite contemporary heroes in film, television and comics, and how their careers have been shaped by personal tragedy:

Batman: His parents were murdered in front of him by a mugger when he was a child. In the comics, Robin (Jason Todd, not Dick Grayson) was later brutally murdered by the Joker.

James Bond: His double-agent girlfriend, Vesper Lynd, committed suicide. Later, his wife, Tracy Bond, was killed by his nemesis, Blofeld.

Spider-Man: His beloved Uncle Ben was murdered by a thief he’d refused to apprehend. In the comics, his girlfriend, Gwen Stacy, was later killed during a battle with the Green Goblin.

MacGyver: A childhood friend was killed in a gun accident that was partly his fault.

The Incredible Hulk: On the TV show, David Banner’s wife was pinned inside their car after an accident, and he wasn’t strong enough to free her, resulting in her death.

Harry Potter: His parents were killed by Lord Voldemort when he was an infant.

Superman: His entire alien race died when the planet Krypton exploded. In the first film, his adoptive Earth father, Jonathan Kent, dies of heart failure.

RoboCop: His own death at the hands of bank robbers makes Alex Murphy a “volunteer” for the RoboCop Program, transforming him into a law enforcement drone with fragmented memories of his previous life as a father and husband.

So, suffering at least one tragic death is clearly a common denominator in the early stages of any hero’s journey. But imagine if any of those deaths were reversed. Imagine if Batman’s parents showed up at the doorstep of Wayne Manor one day — alive and well. Imagine how undoing a character’s personal tragedy would destroy his motivation and lessen the impact of his story. You can still have death and rebirth in drama — it’s baked in to the hero’s journey, in fact — but it can’t work at cross-purposes with a given character’s arc.

If Two-Face were to inexplicably come back from the dead, it would work against the new reality that’s created at the end of “The Dark Knight,” one in which Batman is wanted for Two-Face’s crimes and Harvey Dent is remembered as a hero. It’d be the death of good storytelling, and you can’t come back from that.

-Brad Lohan

“The Dark Knight” doesn’t give everything away in the trailer. These days, it seems like you go to the movies just to fill in the blanks between the money shots you’ve seen over and over again in the various trailers and TV spots. But “The Dark Knight” isn’t without its surprises. I thought I’d spoiled every last bit of business in the film before I went to see it — I’m too impatient — but this movie still blindsided me a time or two.

What I want to talk about here are those surprises; you can read my spoiler-free review here. “The Dark Knight” does a lot of things you don’t expect it to. Since this is a Christopher Nolan film, and his favorite movie of mine is “Memento,” let’s start where “The Dark Knight” ends.

Batman decides to shoulder the blame for all of Harvey Dent’s crimes, so Harv can — ahem — save face in the eyes of the public. Maybe he believed in Harvey Dent a little too much. But what’s important to consider is the possibility that Gordon won’t be able to “make it stick,” as they say on cop shows. Remember that at the top of the film, Batman chided the gun-toting copycat Batmen for trying to take on Scarecrow and some assorted thugs at a drug buy gone sour. Batman’s fairly protective of his brand and outspoken about his “one rule:” no killing. Now many fans were infuriated by Batman leaving Ra’s Al Ghul for dead in the first film, claiming Batty acted out-of-character and violated his own code. I maintain that Al Ghul didn’t die at the end of “Batman Begins;” did anyone see a body? Any any rate, by having Gordon pin a handful of homicides on Batman, he’s going on a lot of faith that Gothamites will accept that Batman’s started gunning down random criminals and dirty cops alike.

What’s more, if Batman’s supposedly killing folks, it’s inexplicable as to why he’d allow the Joker to live. I was just surprised as you that Batman saved the Clown Prince of Crime from certain death. He could’ve at least opted for Spider-Man’s tactic of allowing the villain to accidentally kill himself. I’m not sure how exactly I feel about the Joker living. There’s something unsatisfying about walking out of a theater knowing that the badguy’s not worm food. With Heath Ledger’s passing, it’s impossible — or at least, in extremely poor taste — to consider that the role will be recast for a third film. We’ve doubtless seen the last of the character, but knowing that he’s locked up for the rest of his days just doesn’t sit right with me.

Now Rachel Dawes’ death came as a major surprise to me. With critics and fans united against Katie Holmes’ performance in movie one, it seemed entirely possible that the character would just be written out of the second film; Batman’s never been in an LTR that’s carried over into a sequel before anyway. But the role was recast with Maggie Gyllenhaal, a move that I thought suggested the filmmakers were trying to break convention, not to mention Batman’s heart. For the bulk of her lifespan in “The Dark Knight,” she’s involved with Harvey Dent. She does have one icky kissing scene with Bruce Wayne but is soon vaporized in a bomb blast moments after accepting Dent’s proposal.

That isn’t to say I’m disappointed she was killed. I like Gyllenhaal as an actress, but the Rachel Dawes character isn’t terribly interesting. She’s functionary, like too many love interests in these types of films, someone who either needs to be saved, or when not in imminent danger, compelling the hero to quit saving other people; it’s an odd dichotomy, but one that gets old quickly. Once I’d like to see a love interest in a superhero movie who’s kind of thrilled with the idea of dating a superhero. But I digress. With Dawes in the grave, the movie Batman can potentially be more like his comic book counterpart — as celibate as his myriad fans.

Who’s to say where the franchise will go next? Nolan’s obviously trying to avoid convention, and bully for him. The formula for comic book movies needs to be torn apart and reassembled as something else, something more. Fans of superhero movies, but not the comics they’re based upon, have seen enough at this point to expect more than just another product off the assembly line. They’re ready for films like “The Dark Knight” and the upcoming “Watchmen,” films that try to escape from the trappings of the genre and surprise even the most jaded fans like me.

-Brad Lohan

There’s since been a TV series, “Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles,” which like me, chooses to ignore the events of the third film. I haven’t actually bothered to watch it, though. I tend to avoid anything with the word “Chronicles” in the title on principle. It’s a word that no human being ever uses in ordinary conversation, but for whatever reason, it’s terribly popular with movie and TV studios when they’re coming up with overlong titles for their craptacular output.

A fourth Terminator film — “Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins” — is currently in production in New Mexico. Not only does it have a worse title than the television series, but Ain’t-It-Cool News has reported a major spoiler from the film that’s so ginormous and so stupid, the Bush Administration may declare war on Warner Bros. Pictures. And I would support it.

(*Spoilers Ahead*) What I’ve read is that Human Resistance leader John Conner, played by Christian Bale, will be killed by a Terminator at film’s end. “T4″ is set in the early 21st Century, during the war between man and machine, not during the present day like the first three. Instead of giving him a proper Christian [Bale] burial, Conner’s compatriots skin his dead body and then tailor his flesh to fit over the endoskeleton combat chassis of a Terminator. Dun-dun-dun!!!

I think it would be kind of funny if the filmmakers (I’m using the word “filmmakers” loosely, as McG is the director this time around) make the Conner/Terminator sort of like Edgar from “Men in Black.” His flesh-suit doesn’t fit quite right, and it’s sort of obvious to everyone that there have been some shenanigans. But the members of the Human Resistance are good sports and just play along. (*End Spoilers*)

“T4″ is supposed to kick off a second trilogy of Terminator films. Why Hollywood has to do everything in threes is beyond my understanding. Name one franchise that hasn’t lost steam after its first sequel. I’m not sure how movies five and six are going to top the shocker at the end of the fourth one. But Hollywood’s never short on bad ideas, so I’m sure they’ll come up with something.

-Brad Lohan