May
26
It’s a Cruel, Cruel Summer
Filed Under Movies | 2 Comments
“Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time” and “Sex and the City 2: Sand in My Vagina” are opening this weekend. I can’t think of two better reasons to not go to the movies this weekend than those leviathans. A movie based on a video game and a movie that’s a sequel to a movie that’s based on a TV show I couldn’t care less about. Yeah, no. I’ve gotta go wash my crotch. All weekend.
I don’t know if anyone’s bothered to notice, but Jake Gyllenhaal isn’t Persian. And yet, he is playing the prince of mother-loving Persia. Perhaps the film is one big eff you to Iran, a nation we’re not on the friendliest of terms with. “Oh, y’all wanna build nuclear weapons? No, no, that’s fine. We’ll just hit you with some sanctions and then cast Heath Ledger’s ill-fated boyfriend from ‘Brokeback Mountain’ as the prince of your little country. FACE!”
When I saw a billboard for “Sex and the City 2,” I came away puzzled. It advertises Sarah Jessica Parker in a desert. Fornication and a bustling metropolis are noticeably absent from the billboard campaign. I called my always reliable friend, Aurora, who’s steeped in “Sex and the City” lore, and asked her what was dilly-o. She informed me that the sequel finds the girls in Abu Dhabi.
And so, with “Prince of Persia” and “Sex and the City 2″ opening this weekend, it’s become very clear that even liberal Hollywood is not against dropping bombs on the Middle East.
What an anemic summer this is shaping up to be. Maybe I’m becoming more sophisticated. No, that can’t be it. I’m all over the Sylvester Stallone triple-bill (“Cobra,” “Tango & Cash” and “Cliffhanger”) at the New Bev next Friday. I think movies are just getting shittier. “Marmaduke,” “Killers,” “Karate Kid,” “Jonah Hex,” “Grown Ups,” “Knight & Day.” This is the best Hollywood can do? Where are the behemoths? Even “The A-Team” and “Toy Story 3″ are films I’m only marginally interested in checking out — a big-screen adaptation of a TV show and a threequel that can’t possibly live up to expectations. Is frigging “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” really going to own the summer? Hell, if this is what the summer is shaping up to be, “Eclipse” can have it.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be at a revival house.
-Brad Lohan
May
24
I saw the original “Troll” more than 20 years ago and hardly remember it. Fortunately, you do not have to be familiar with the events of the first film to enjoy its follow-up, “Troll 2.” In fact, “Troll 2″ has virtually nothing to do with its predecessor. There aren’t even any trolls in “Troll 2,” believe it or not. “Troll 2″ is a sequel in name only.
The film was produced under the more fitting title, “Goblin,” and was later retitled “Troll 2″ to cash in on the immensely profitable “Troll” brand. Or something. Cranking out pseudo sequels to popular horror films is not uncommon. Lucio Fulci’s “Zombi 2,” a sequel in name only to George A. Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead” (aka “Zombi” in Italy), is another example of this trend. To Fulci’s credit, “Zombi 2″ actually has some zombies in it. That “Troll 2″ lacks trolls was not seen as problematic for Italian filmmaker Claudio Fragasso. Goblins and trolls are practically interchangeable, are they not?
So what’s the fuss about “Troll 2?” Well, according to IMDb, the film is one of the worst-reviewed movies ever made. It went straight-to-video in the States more than two years after filming wrapped. And ever so slowly, it started to gain a following. Two decades later, “Troll 2″ is now warmly embraced as a cult favorite in certain circles.
“Best Worst Movie,” directed by “Troll 2″ star Michael Stephenson, is a documentary about “Troll 2″ star, Dr. George Hardy, a jovial Alabama dentist who finds himself an accidental celebrity after essaying one of the lead roles in the little-known 1989 horror cheapie. Hardy’s line, “You can’t piss on hospitality!” is one of the many zingers that “Troll 2″ fans demand he shout at every screening he attends. But Hardy clearly enjoys his status as a cult figure, and his enthusiasm for being in the limelight is infectious. When he overreaches by attending a convention in England, where “Troll 2″ hasn’t developed a fanbase, it’s crushing for him as well as the audience when he’s completely ignored by the attendees.
If anyone emerges as the villain in the piece, it’s director Claudio Fragasso. At one point in the documentary, he attends a screening of “Troll 2″ at the Nuart, thinking his film is finally getting its due as an overlooked gem of the horror genre. (On a side note, it was a movie-going first for me to be sitting in the Nuart, watching a scene from a movie that was shot in the Nuart.) But when it becomes apparent to Fragasso that people are laughing at the film and not with it, he doesn’t take it in stride like Hardy. Henceforth, he begins attending other screenings solely for the purpose of heckling the stars during Q&A sessions.
After the 10 pm showing of “Best Worst Movie” last Friday, the Nuart screened a print of “Troll 2″ at midnight. You couldn’t ask for a better double bill. I’d never seen “Troll 2″ before. There are clips from the film in “Best Worst Movie,” but nothing really can prepare the uninitiated for the viewing experience itself.
At the start of “Troll 2,” young Joshua Waits (Michael Stephenson) is told a bedtime story by his grandfather about goblins who romp around the woods in burlap clothing and chase after a guy dressed like Robin Hood. We soon learn from Joshua’s mother (Margo Prey) in some maddeningly on-the-nose dialogue that his grandfather’s been dead for some time now. Happily, Grandpa’s sort of like that dude on “Quantum Leap” who shows up for periodic info dumps but can only be seen by the hero for reasons that go unexplained.
Across the hall, Joshua’s older sister, Holly, rebuffs the advances of her sexually-confused, sometimes-boyfriend, Elliot. Elliot’s convinced that being punched in the balls by his girlfriend for sneaking into her room will turn him into a homosexual. This setup is paid off later in the film when Elliot and a male friend of his are seen sleeping in the same bed together — shirtless.
The following morning the dysfunctional Waits family embarks on a trip to Nilbog (*spoiler* It’s “goblin” spelled backwards! *end spoiler*), where they plan to stay in a rustic time share. Joshua and Holly’s father, Michael, played with steely resolve by George Hardy, is immediately taken by the small-town hospitality. Moments after setting foot in the house, the family finds the dining room table is piled high with baked goods that drip with sickly green frosting. But Joshua is pinged from limbo by Grandpa who warns him against allowing the family to dig in. And so, the ever resourceful lad unzips his fly and urinates on the spread. This action is what spurs the film’s endlessly quotable “piss on hospitality” line and cements George Hardy’s place in cinematic history.
Joshua slowly begins to discover that the citizens of Nilbog are all vegetarian goblins in shittly-made fright masks, scheming to transform the Waits family into plants by feeding them tainted food. The goblins are all vegetarians, mind you.
Deliriously WTF in every sense, “Troll 2″ is a midnight movie masterpiece. Schlock sometimes runs out of steam before the end credits, but this film manages to consistently entertain in spite of itself. It’s practically devoid of dead spots and splitting at the seams with nonsense that demands repeat viewings. I’m already itching to catch it again.
-Brad Lohan
May
18
What’s Wrong With “Iron Man 2″
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I saw “Iron Man 2″ again yesterday and agree with the criticism that it’s a flawed film. What makes it a flawed film, though? Movie-goers subconsciously know what works and what doesn’t. A lifetime of watching film and television will provide the average person with at least a high-level understanding of how visual storytelling succeeds or fails. Seeing as how I’ve recently equipped myself with a full year of graduate-level film study, I’d like to do a deep-dive into the problems “Iron Man 2″ has and why the movie doesn’t work as well as the first. This dissection will contain spoilers.
Before we proceed, I should still point out that I still like the film. I understand it’s got issues, but it’s not a disaster. Director Jon Favreau was tasked with cranking out an “Iron Man” sequel on a tight deadline, and given the limited amount of time he had, I think he did the best job he could’ve. This is why I hate when studios make release dates, not movies. At any rate, I don’t want to go wildly off-topic here. Let’s take “Iron Man 2″ apart. Because I’m such a nice guy, I’ll even recommend how the filmmakers could’ve fixed the problems in the narrative. Never mind that that information is totally useless to them now.
Who is the big bad?
“Iron Man 2″ has two — count ‘em, two! — villains: Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) and Ivan Vanko/Whiplash (Mickey Rourke). But which one of them is the main villain? Who’s the the big-baller, the shot-caller…with twenty-inch rims on his Impala? Holla! An argument can be made that it’s either/or, and that’s problematic. In a mega-budget, commercial Hollywood film, there can only be one chief adversary. The chief adversary personifies the hero’s conflict. He often will have an adversary agent or any number of minions that physically oppose the hero. But one guy sits in the big chair.
In “Iron Man 2,” neither Hammer nor Vanko fulfill the role of the chief adversary, as one’s got the money and the other’s got the technological know-how. The two characters are twisted reflections of Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), but they’re at odds with one another as well as Stark. This dilutes the threat they pose. Neither is singularly more powerful than Stark. Combined, they are about at his level of wealth and genius. It’s less challenging for Stark if he’s up against two characters that must pool their resources to be in par with him. Worse, if they don’t even get along, how are they going to beat a guy who’s pretty much got it together?
Solution: Make Justin Hammer smarter, richer and completely morally bankrupt and cast him as the chief adversary. Vanko should serve as the adversary agent in the form of the unstoppable killing machine Whiplash. It must seem impossible for the hero to overcome the obstacles in his path. Clarifying and strengthening the different degrees of antagonism he confronts makes for a more exciting film.
Why is the middle part so slow?
The second act of “Iron Man 2″ is well over an hour long. For a film of its length, that’s about right. Act two of any film is split in half by what’s called a midpoint, an event that occurs right around the middle and fulfills any number of dramatic functions. But wait, there’s more! Both halves of Act II have what’s called an Action Spike, which is pretty much what it sounds like. With Action Spike I, the midpoint, and Action Spike II, the second act of a movie sounds like it’s got a lot of rising conflict, doesn’t it? Well, it has to, or it’s going to feel like a slog. See where I’m going with this?
The first Action Spike in “Iron Man 2″ is when Vanko escapes from prison. What’s wrong with that? Well, Action Spikes should involve your hero. When you’re movie’s called “Iron Man 2,” and Iron Man is not a participant in one of the major action sequences in the film, it feels off.
That being said, Iron Man does mix it up with James Rhodes (Don Cheadle) at the midpoint of the movie. And the midpoint of a film is when the conflict becomes personal for the hero, when he comes face-to-face with the chief adversary (jeez, him again?!) and/or when a ticking clock is set up. You could argue that Stark’s battle with Rhodes makes his conflict personal, since Rhodes takes off with his armor at the end of the sequence, abandoning his friendship with Stark. But other than that, the midpoint feels anemic. The ticking clock is set up much earlier with the palladium blood poisoning that’s slowly killing Stark. And again, neither of the film’s two adversaries come face-to-face with our hero during this part of the movie. The audience needs to be reminded of the threat the hero’s up against.
If you don’t remember Action Spike II in “Iron Man 2,” it’s because it’s a strange one. It’s where Stark creates the new element that saves his life. Remember, he’s tearing down walls and shooting lasers and stuff. Nobody gets punched in the face, but the sequence is done in a series of big actions. It also leaves audiences bored because it goes according to plan. When a hero gets exactly what he wants with very little effort, it’s dramatically inert. There’s no real scalable conflict in this part of the film. And when that happens, the audience loses interest.
Solution: Involve Iron Man/Tony Stark in both of the Action Spikes, shift the palladium ticking clock to the midpoint and have Iron Man/Tony Stark come face-to-face with the chief adversary at the midpoint, too.
What happened to the love story?
The love story subplot between Tony Stark and Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) is almost entirely abandoned in “Iron Man 2.” Pains are taken in the first film to establish Pepper as Tony’s love interest. What’s more, the trailers for “Iron Man 2″ show Pepper kissing Iron Man’s helmet before chucking it out of a plane. And yet, that moment is cut from the film for whatever reason. Why? Love stories are excellent subplots for genre films because they provide a counterpoint for the wall-to-wall action by revealing different aspects of the hero.
In “Iron Man 2,” Pepper’s function is that of an ally, a lesser role. She offers support to the hero, but her relationship to the hero isn’t deepened in any substantial way. Tony makes her the CEO of Stark Industries, however, it’s just to free him of the responsibility of running the company. Rather, he can focus his more of his energy on being Iron Man. That said, as I’ve mentioned earlier, he doesn’t do much of anything as Iron Man.
Pepper’s promotion means she has to fill her former position with the lovely Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson), creating a potential love triangle that never really materializes. Natasha is later revealed to be a sleeper agent for SHIELD, which is already spoiled in virtually every trailer and TV spot for the film.
Solution: Tony and Pepper’s relationship should be explored in a subplot that complicates the A-story, as Iron Man is wooed by the formidable SHIELD agent, Natasha Romanoff.
Had Marvel Studios given the filmmakers more time to fix some of the flaws inherent in Justin Theroux’s script, “Iron Man 2″ would probably have been better received. As is, it’s not a terrible movie. But it doesn’t work like gangbusters. In the above paragraphs, I’ve hit upon a number of the reasons why. I’m jittery about the upcoming slate of Marvel Studios films because they’re going into production with unfinished scripts and hoping to catch lightning in a bottle like they did with the first “Iron Man.” But as we’ve seen with “Iron Man 2,” that’s not always the best approach.
-Brad Lohan
May
12
Interview With a Cosplayer
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Today’s blog is incredibly exciting, as I recently interviewed the lovely Roxanna Meta, a regular convention-goer and cosplayer. What’s cosplay? Well, it’s dressing up like your favorite comic book, science fiction or fantasy character. The practice is fairly common on the convention circuit, where you’re likely to see all sorts of people in capes and masks and skin-tight clothing. Very few of these devoted fans, however, are as easy on the eyes as Roxanna. Although I’ve never done cosplay myself, I find the culture fascinating. Fortunately, Roxanna was generous enough to grant me an interview about the world of cosplay.
Brad Lohan: Who are you? Tell me a little about yourself.
Roxanna Meta: I’m Roxanna Meta, 24 years old, 5′5″, 34-27-40… or maybe I should say I’m a proud California girl, geek of all trades, and I love to dress up!
BL: When was the first time you dressed up as a comic book character? Tell me about that experience. Who did you dress up as and where was the convention/event?
RM: Well, I originally made movie-style costumes, and I dressed up as my first comic-movie character at San Diego Comic Con 2007. I was Anna Paquin’s Rogue to compliment the Alan Cumming Nightcrawler costume I made for Rob Goodfellow. Mostly that show was about him, and he did a beautiful job pulling it off and got a lot of compliments… we’re very proud of that costume.
The next year, for WonderCon 2008, my friends all had badass DC comic costumes and I felt left out of the game. So I decided to make Black Canary because I liked her aesthetic, and thus an obsession was born. [Goodfellow soon followed suit, as you can see from his awesome Green Arrow costume in the photo!]
BL: Are you an avid comic book collector? If so, who are your favorite characters?
RM: I would say “avid” requires a bigger budget than I have! Disregarding that, yes, I definitely read comics, and my all-time favorite characters are Green Arrow and Black Canary. I’m really suspicious of the direction J.T. Krul is taking my baby, though, and long for the Judd Winick days.
BL: Who have you dressed up as? Who are your favorite characters to dress up as? Least favorite?
RM: My movie costumes include classic Jack Sparrow, Jadis’s battle dress from the Chronicles of Narnia, and Guinevere’s battle costume from King Arthur. I particularly miss Guinevere and I think I might revamp that costume for SDCC this year.
My standard comic costumes are Black Canary, old-school Polaris and Black Cat. My Batgirl costume is on hold for a little while, and my Domino costume belongs partly to Psykitten. We joke that it’s the “traveling pants” costume – four of my friends have worn it so far, in different incarnations.
Batgirl is probably my least favorite costume – I never really identified with Barbara Gordon, and the damn thing is totally falling apart.
My current favorite is Black Cat because I get a chance to bring out my inner sex kitten. I can prance around in heels, smear myself on hot guys, and generally be a total cliche. It’s good fun!
Oh, how could I forget? I also have a circa-Lovegame Lady Gaga costume, which is almost more fun that Black Cat because it’s recognizable to the general public and I can wear it out on the town. A girl can get a lot of free drinks that way.
BL: What’s the craziest thing that’s happened to you while in costume?
RM: Craziest… craziest… I don’t know if I quite have an answer for that, but I do have some stories. Like the time I agreed to an interview as Black Canary, only to be asked a series of dirty questions about my sex life. Or the time security escorted Tallest Silver and myself out of Downtown Disney because we were toting tons of fake weapons. Or the time I flashed a photographer as Lady Gaga and he nearly had a heart attack. Or the time I put my purse down on a booth and turned away, and when I turned back it was gone. Going out in costume basically turns into a series of really, really entertaining incidents all strung together.
Oh! Here’s one of my favorites. My best friend, Psykitten, was dressed as Catwoman one day at WonderCon and decided to give a whip demonstration. I thought I was out of her way, but as she pulled back and cracked the whip I felt something whiz right past my eye and through my hair. I put my hands to my face and doubled over, and there was a moment of horror from the crowd and from poor Psykitten before I came up with my false eyelash in my hand. She had taken off my EYELASHES with her whip. We still get a kick out of how close that one was.
BL: What’s it like interacting with fans at the conventions? Are they nice, creepy, grabby?
RM: They’re almost always really nice. I read a wonderful article recently by a father who had just been to WonderCon, saying that he hopes his son will grow up to be a geek, because they’re the nicest demographic he had ever encountered.
That said, I’ve had a select few creepers/grabbers, such as the guy who lifted up my Polaris cape so his buddy could take a picture of my ass.
BL: How many marriage proposals have you gotten while in costume?
RM: None yet, although I do get asked out a fair amount!
BL: Which conventions do you normally attend while in costume?
RM: My traditional two are San Francisco WonderCon and San Diego Comic Con, although I’ve also been once each to Dragon*Con and Anaheim Wizard World.
BL: Do you go to parties/events in costume? Do you just wear costumes around the house for fun sometimes?
RM: Absolutely! My friends like inviting me to themed parties because they know I’ll go all out! As for wearing costumes around the house, that’s a little less frequent, because most of them are actually uncomfortable, once you get the undergarments and the heels and the false eyelashes and the wigs on. That said, sometimes my girlfriends (many of whom are also cosplayers) and I have dress-up-and-take-pictures days for fun.
BL: What’s the culture of costumed convention attendees like? Tell me about your fellow cosplayers.
RM: Generally speaking, they’re really really sweet and generous. We compliment each other’s work, trade costuming tips, start photoshoots, become Facebook friends. It’s a really great community and I’m proud to be a part of it. We’re all doing this for fun, and so far that’s really been the sentiment I get from others. There is a bit of a superficial hierarchy, of course, as far as whose work is better than others and who’s hotter than others, but generally when it comes to just having a conversation, nobody ends up caring.
The best moments, for me, are meeting costumers whose work I’ve admired from afar, and almost always they turn out to be total sweethearts. I’ve been lucky to meet a lot of my idols whom I can now call friends!
BL: Are your costumes homemade or do you buy them online?
RM: Oh! It burns, it burns!
All right, I’m not going to lie. I’m still learning to be a seamstress and at the moment, my skills are not developed enough to be able to make base pieces like spandex bodysuits. But it’s a point of pride for many cosplayers to wear our own work – I spend a lot of time (and unfortunately a lot of money) getting my costumes the way I want them. There are some costumers – and good friends of mine! – who get what they wear custom-made and look great doing it, but because I’m so interested in the craft, I make as much as possible of what I wear.
BL: Which character(s) would you like to dress up as but haven’t yet?
RM: I’d like to be some form of Rogue at some point. I’d like to be Hawkgirl. I’d like to be Wasp and Lady Blackhawk and Hope. And while I’m at it, I’d like to be a My Little Pony.
BL: Who would you never dress up as and why?
RM: I have a running joke “I will never be Wonder Woman.” Besides the fact that I have almost no interest in the character and she’s massively overdone, I also know that I have small breasts and legs that just won’t work for her. You have to know your body type. (Then again, that’s what I said about Black Cat, and I went for it anyway, and that got me a guest spot on this blog!)
Oh, how could I forget. I’ll never dress up as Storm, even though I love the heck out of her. That’s an obvious one.
BL: Has anything embarrassing happened to you while in costume? Tell me about that experience.
RM: Well, I tend to block embarrassing moments for my own mental health, honestly. In general I would say I have a few regrets about costumes I’ve worn out in public when maybe I shouldn’t have, times when I had a little more weight on me or wore the wrong cut of leotard for my shape or did my makeup badly. I know that seems trivial but it’s amazing how much difference the details can make. I want to tell my old self sometimes, “Honey, sweetie, don’t step out of the house like that. Let me help.”
BL: Have you ever appeared in any fan films as a costumed character? If so, tell me a little about that experience.
RM: The closest I’ve come is participating in a traditional prank that my costuming group, United Underworld, plays on the UC Berkeley Batman class every semester. Around Halloween and sometimes for April Fool’s, we raid the class and spend the period messing with them. You can see videos of those up on YouTube and they’re great fun.
I’ve been asked to participate in a couple of upcoming fan films, but nothing has yet come to fruition.
BL: What’s the best costume you’ve ever seen at a convention?
RM: Bumblebee.
BL: Have you been to conventions where it seems like everyone’s in the same costume as you? What’s that like?
RM: That’s an interesting question, and actually I just had a conversation with someone about multiple Black Canaries being at the last WonderCon. It can go either way – either you’re super excited and want to take pictures with all of them (which can be hilarious) or you’re self-conscious and try to stay out of their way. I hate to admit this, but I have a tendency to size up the other person in costume before I approach them. How good do they look, are they just going to make me look bad? I know, it’s really sad to think that way, but sometimes I can’t help it!
BL: Does the costume have any impact on you psychologically? Do you act any differently while dressed up?
RM: Well, almost always it’s the opposite of what I just said! It’s a great ego boost to be stopped and asked for pictures wherever you go. I try to be very gracious and take every picture I’m asked to take – I’ve almost never refused anybody. That said, if anyone messes with me, I feel no qualms about being firm with them. In some ways, dressing as a strong character makes you feel stronger.
I have several friends, including Tallest Silver, who make it a point to be totally in character when they’re dressed up, and I find that really hysterical, so it’s a skill I’m working on! ; )
BL: Do people give you money for posing for pictures with them sometimes? If so, what’s the most you’ve gotten?
RM: Well, Black Canary does look like a prostitute. But no, there’s definitely convention/cosplayer etiquette, and that would be a serious violation. Leave it to the folks on Hollywood Boulevard.
That said, I do birthday parties and events, and am happy to be paid for that kind of appearance.
BL: If you could actually become one of the characters you dress up as, who would it be? Why?
RM: Black Canary, no contest. If I could sleep with Green Arrow I think I’d die and go to heaven.
May
11
I caught “Iron Man 2″ at 12:01 am last Friday but have been up to my eyeballs in grading student screenplays to knock out a review. The critical reaction has been mixed. I went in with lowered expectations. Superhero films are unique in that the second film in a given franchise is typically better than the initial installment. I wouldn’t agree that “Superman II” soars over “Superman: The Movie,” nor am I in the camp that believes “Batman Returns” triumphs over “Batman.” But “X2: X-Men United,” “Spider-Man 2,” “Hellboy II: The Golden Army” and “The Dark Knight” are a few examples of superior sequels. Would “Iron Man 2″ at least come close to its predecessor?
Maybe it was the three Hefeweizens I’d had before the film, but I found “Iron Man 2″ to be much stronger than I’d anticipated. Is it better than movie one? No, but it’s a solid follow-up. The “more is more” sequel mentality is prevalent throughout, and some of the character relationships suffer as a result. Still, the film wisely keeps the focus on Robert Downey Jr.’s mad genius Tony Stark rather than his titular alter-ego. This is probably the only Marvel franchise in which I’m never bored watching the hero caper around out of costume.
“Iron Man 2″ picks up six months after the first film. Tony Stark’s dual identities are publicly known, only adding to his celebrity as a billionaire inventor, one who’s admittedly “privatized world peace.” And yet, his superhero-ing has only complicated his life. The palladium levels in Stark’s bloodstream, caused by the arc reactor that powers his heart, are slowly killing him; a chief competitor wants to get his hands on Stark’s tech; and a vengeful Russian physicist wants to give Stark a heavy lashing with a pair of laser whips. Stark’s superhero career has also strained his relationships with girlfriend Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) as well as BFF Col. James Rhodes (Don Cheadle).
The film throws a lot at you, and I think I’ll need to give it another look before I can fully nail down my feelings about it. If anything, the film’s a bit undercooked as far as the supporting players go. Seeing Stark match wits and/or fists with villains Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) and Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) is a thrill. But it takes away from the other interactions. The blossoming romance between Stark and Pepper has been shelved for this film. Stark and Rhodey’s palling around — at least out of costume — is rather limited, too. All the place-setting in the first movie seems to be have been for naught, since we’re given a slew of new characters. I haven’t even mentioned Nick Fury or Black Widow yet.
“Iron Man 2″ is a prequel to “The Avengers,” and as such, some of the film is devoted to laying the groundwork for Marvel’s forthcoming team-up. Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and his sleeper agent Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) are all up in Stark’s grille about joining the Avengers, or as Stark calls it, “Your little boy band.” These scenes don’t stop the film dead, but they do sort of distract from what’s already a busy two hours. It’s all fan service and building anticipation for what’s the come. The tag after the end credits is a fun little bit of business, but it’s not even directly related to the Iron Man character.
Having read comic books for 17 years, I wasn’t terribly bothered by everything that was thrown at me in “Iron Man 2.” I’m used to individual storylines being part of a much larger canvas. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to wait a hell of a lot longer than 30 days to see what happens next.
-Brad Lohan
May
10
Raising Hell | “Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker”
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“Which do you find more exhilarating, Trevor, pain or pleasure? Personally, I prefer pain.”
-Pinhead, “Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker”
Jesus wept. The sixth film in the venerable “Hellraiser” saga, “Hellseeker,” is the worst entry thus far, edging out both “Bloodline” and “Inferno.” To be fair, the series has been on a steady decline in quality since movie two. But has the franchise bottomed out? Here’s hoping things get better. I still have two more chapters to go.
“Hellseeker” brings back the long-suffering Survivor Girl from the first two films, Kirsty Cotton, and promptly kills her off in the opening scene. Played by the luminous Ashley Laurence, Kirsty’s going through a rough patch with her shmendrick of a husband, Trevor. After agreeing to work things out, Trevor takes his eyes off the road to swap spit with Kirsty for a lengthy moment. Then — egad! — the car drives off a bridge and lands in the water. Unheroically, Trevor frees himself, swims to the surface and cries out for help. He treads water for a minute or two, remembers he and Kirsty agreed to work things out, and dives back into the murk to save her. But he’s too late. Kirsty drowns.
From here on out, the movie enters David Lynch territory, becoming confusing for its own sake. As Trevor descends into madness in the wake of Kirsty’s death, the audience descends into madness trying to figure out how all this dumb bullshit fits together. Every woman in this movie inexplicably wants to bed this butt-munch for some reason. Never mind he’s the kind of guy who’ll let his wife drown in order to save his own skin. Nevertheless, his hot female boss and his hot tattooed neighbor are lining up to get into Trevor’s Underoos.
Trevor also finds Johnny Law breathing down his neck during their investigation into the particulars of the Kirsty’s disappearance. The police were unable to recover her body from the car at the bottom of the river. What the police fail to check is Trevor’s all-too-frequent flashbacks. Kirsty’s in virtually every one of those.
Don’t you hate in movies when something shocking happens and — boom! — the hero wakes up from a dream? It’s such a cheap gimmick to keep you interested without really advancing the story in any meaningful way. Well, that happens at the end of pretty much every sequence in this movie. Were you to design a drinking game around how many times Trevor wakes up from a horrible nightmare, you would die of cirrosis before Pinhead finally shows up and tries to explain WTF is going on.
Pinhead and the Cenobites are once again underutilized in this film. The further away the “Hellraiser” films get from Clive Barker’s original vision, the more prominently these creatures should be featured. I ain’t watching “Hellraiser VI” because it’s a deeply felt meditation on grief and loss. It ain’t, BTW. Trevor’s cheating on Kirsty and could very well have engineered her death to get his mitts on a sizeable inheritance from the Cotton estate. Problem is, the movie’s so Byzantine in its structure and plotting, we never know if we’re supposed to sympathize for Trevor or wait with baited breath for the meathooks to come flying out and tear him asunder. I ultimately decided on the latter. Any guy who cheats on Kirsty deserves the meathook treatment.
There’s a goofball twist near the end where we finally learn what’s really going on. Like any goofball twist, it’s phony and forced and doesn’t save the film. It also requires a massive character reversal that isn’t consistent with what we’ve come to know about these people. And so, “Hellseeker” isn’t worth being sought after.
Next up: the penultimate chapter, “Hellraiser: Deader.” What a title.
-Brad Lohan
May
6
That Crappy-Looking “Killers” Movie Strongly Resembles That Crappy-Looking “Knight & Day” Movie
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Remember when same-y looking movies were released within a few months of one another? It was a super-hot trend at the end of the ’90s when “Dante’s Peak” opened two months before “Volcano,” then “Deep Impact” came out a two months before “Armageddon,” and “Antz” was released two months before “A Bug’s Life.” I don’t count “Independence Day” and “Mars Attacks!” as another pair of curiously similar movies because one’s a comedy and the other’s a shitty Tim Burton movie. The trend seemed to dry up when it became clear to major studios that a race to get a volcanic eruption movie to screens ahead of a competing volcanic eruption movie is a race where nobody wins.
Fast forward to a little over a decade, and what’s old is new again. Now another couple movies I couldn’t care less about are going to by foisted on us, two ludicrous, my-new-boyfriend’s-a-spy-ZOMG flicks. One’s called “Killers,” the other “Knight & Day.” From their stunningly generic titles — “Stuff Happens” must already be registered with the WGA — to their painfully unfunny trailers, nothing about these “True Lies” ripoffs registers as anything vaguely resembling entertainment.
“Killers” stars MILF hunter Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigel’s cleavage; Heigel also appears in an uncredited cameo. Kutcher is a spy or something, and Heigel’s cleavage is just your average, everyday cleavage. People try to kill Kutcher (because why wouldn’t you?) and Heigel’s cleavage. This is where I assume the humorous bits are supposed to materialize. But the only thing I really remember about the trailer is that I tried committing hara kiri with my incredibly stale Red Vines during its interminable ninety-second runtime.
“Knight & Day” stars Mr. Katie Holmes and Cameron Diaz’s forehead. Its plot appears to be virtually identical to “Killers” in every way. There are no knights in it from what I understand. FAIL!
In approximately ten seconds, I came up with a much better idea for a spy comedy based on this stale material. Why not swap the gender roles, make the female character the invincible superspy, and turn the handsome Dan into a bumbling nebbish? Instantly, either one of these turds would become — and I did the math on this — a thousand times more interesting. Tom Cruise has already anchored three wholly unbelievable “Mission: Impossible” movies. Wouldn’t it be funny if he played against type and was simply a normal guy teamed with Cameron Diaz’s unstoppable government agent?
As is, these are just another two generic laffers that’ll stink up theaters for a couple of weeks before disappearing from the face of the Earth, one right after the other.
-Brad Lohan
May
5
“Machete” Trailer
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Among the saving graces of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino’s epic fail “Grindhouse” are the fake trailers, which were designed to capture the flavor of seeing an exploitation movie double-bill in a run-down movie house. My personal favorite is the one for Eli Roth’s holiday slasher, “Thanksgiving.” The trailer for Rob Rod’s revenger, “Machete,” is a close second.
Though “Grindhouse” died horribly at the box office, “Machete” has been made into a feature-length film that’s due this August. And my creeping fear that it’d lose that “Grindhouse” anti-aesthetic appears to have been unfounded. Much of the footage from the trailer looks like it was culled directly from the original trailer. The cast has swelled with the likes of Jessica Alba, Don Johnson, Lindsay Lohan, Steven Seagal and Robert DeNiro. One of my current obsessions, Michelle Rodriguez, lends her beauty and talent to the production as well. The movie is nothing if not populated with an interesting lot. Danny Trejo, character actor and seasoned badass, plays the titular long knife enthusiast.
Robert Rodriguez is a director I speak highly of around these parts. His kiddie fare took a steep nosedive in quality after the first “Spy Kids” movie, and his actioners are hit or miss. Still, he’s a talented filmmaker, able to shoot the shit out an action sequence. I’d love to see him take on something mainstream and commercial and soar like Sam Raimi post-”Spider-Man.” But I’m definitely looking forward to his latest stab at directing.
-Brad Lohan
May
4
“Nine 1/2 Weeks” Review
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Mickey Rourke used to be a sex symbol. LOLOLOL! 24 years ago, Adrian Lyne’s “Nine 1/2 Weeks” landed with a resounding thud at the U.S. box office but found an audience of heavy-breathing young men on home video. Fast-forwarding to the dirty parts at home is preferable to touching oneself inappropriately in a sparsely populated theater.
I’d never seen “Nine 1/2 Weeks” before, and since Mickey Rourke’s in the forthcoming “Iron Man 2,” I thought I’d check out some of his earlier work. I decided to start with a picture that probably has the most female nudity. Yes, being single again affords me all this free time to indulge in softcore skin flicks — w00t.
In the film, Kim Basinger plays Elizabeth, a recently-divorced art dealer in the Yuppie dystopia of mid-1980s Manhattan. She meets a handsome creep named John (Rourke) at a sidewalk sale, where he buys her a $300 scarf, and they go to someone’s waterfront house for no reason. There, John vaguely describes his job as having something to do with buying money. Then he comes across as an obscenely wealthy sociopath from a Bret Easton Ellis novel when he explains to Elizabeth that no one could hear her if she screamed. This kills the mood, and Elizabeth bails. But John smooths things over when he buys her flowers the next day. And so begins their affair, which lasts for a little over two months.
The problem with “Nine 1/2 Weeks” is that it’s a loveless love story. Oh, it’s fun to watch Kim Basinger’s body double in partial states of undress every so often. But all the body doubles in the world can’t create any chemistry between Elizabeth and John. The best part of the whole movie is when Elizabeth’s doing a striptease to Joe Cocker’s “You Can Leave Your Hat On” because it’s A) got nudity, and B) the only part of the film in which the leads seem to actually be enjoying themselves. Everything else about their relationship seems mechanical.
Truth be told, my rental copy of the film shat the bed during the climax. I guess I only saw nine weeks. Still, I got the impression from what I saw that Elizabeth and John ultimately go their separate ways at the end. Oh, well. I’ll never bother re-renting the film to see how things shake out. I got to see the refrigerator scene. I’m good.
-Brad Lohan
May
3
Raising Hell | “Hellraiser: Inferno”
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“Welcome to Hell.”
-Pinhead, “Hellraiser: Inferno”
It’s nice to know that the denizens of hell roll out the red carpet for new arrivals.
“Hellraiser: Inferno,” the fifth entry in the series, thrusts Pinhead and the Cenobites into the Aughts; the film went straight-to-DVD in 2000. This installment feels the least like a “Hellraiser” film thus far. That’s saying something. Remember, the last one was set in Victorian France and outer space. Movie five plays like a failed pilot for “CSI: Hell” than a direct continuation of everything that’s come before.
Craig Sheffer, looking sort of like the love child of David Boreanaz and Dan Aykroyd, plays a dirty cop named Det. Joseph Thorne. He removes evidence from crime scenes…or plants some, depending on the situation; he cheats on his wife with prostitutes; he does blow. He’s also the kind of guy who gambles when he plays chess. Puzzle-solving is another one of Thorne’s passions. It’s why he became a detective in the first place. All the other corrupt bullshit is just a perk.
It isn’t long before Sheffer borrows the Lament Configuration from the evidence room. He also hilariously steals a couple hundred dollars from a stiff’s wallet, X’s out the total on the evidence summary, and enters a much lower amount. Then he visits a prostitute, has some fully-clothed intercourse (or as I call it, “‘9 1/2 Weeks’-style”) and later opens the puzzle box in the bathroom. For whatever reason, meathooks don’t come flying out. Instead, Sheffer’s DTV “Bad Lieutenant” world begins falling apart, as he hunts the Engineer, a kidnapper and a serial killer all rolled up into one. Now how much would you pay?!
“Inferno” is perhaps the most plot-driven and coherent film in the series. It does, however, get lost up its own ass in the third act, like so many psychological thrillers have a tendency to do when they’re trying to pay off an unearned twist. I also sense that Dimension Films had a serial killer script lying around, grafted some Clive Barker elements onto the narrative, and bam, felt they had a brand new “Hellraiser” movie. Pinhead’s relegated to an extended cameo this time around. Doug Bradley’s starting to look a little puffy in the makeup.
As a DTV film, “Inferno” could’ve been worse. The film’s simply an okayish installment in a franchise that’s still struggling to find its voice. I think it’s interesting that they’re trying new things, but it’s more out of desperation to keep churning out sequels than to find something that’s a good fit for Pinhead.
Next up: “Hellraiser: Hellseeker.”
-Brad Lohan