Mar
31
Why Isn’t Tom Green on DVD?
Filed Under TV | Leave a Comment
Yesterday, I blogged about how it’s the 10th anniversary of “The Matrix.” Maybe I should just make this nostalgia week and reminisce about all the arcane stuff I liked while I was a sophomore in college. While “The Matrix” was easily one of my favorite films of ‘99, “The Tom Green Show” on MTV was far and away the best thing on the small screen that year.
So why in the bloody hell isn’t the entire series on DVD? At the time, the show was the highest-rated program on MTV and deservedly so. The first episode I remember seeing had Green — a gangly goateed goofball from Canada — humping a dead moose on the side of the road in a desperate attempt to revive it. Green was the original “Jackass,” the original Borat, tormenting everyday people who more often that not probably deserved it. He also had no problem going after his own parents in perhaps some of his most hilarious segments. My favorite has to be the one where he paints his folks’ house while they’re gone for the weekend.
Green’s deadpan delivery always had me in hysterics. He seemed like he was fresh off the boat from a distant planet, like someone who’d observed the human race without fully understanding us and finally struck out on his own for a closer look. He’d stick a microphone in anyone’s face and see where things went. People for the most part were uptight assholes, making them the perfect targets. One weirdo wrestled Green’s microphone away from him and tore off the cover after Green asked him where he was going. If we’re really that wound up, I think we deserve someone like Tom Green to get under our skin. That said, it wasn’t a great segment unless you were certain Green was going to get punched.
I’d give my eye teeth for all the episodes of “The Tom Green Show” on DVD, including the “Cancer Special” and the “Subway Monkey Hour,” which brought Green to Japan. My VHS “Best of” episodes are wholly inadequate, and I can only find so many clips on YouTube.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
30
“The Matrix” Is 10 Years Old
Filed Under Blockbusters, Movies | 1 Comment
Way back in 1999, I worked at a movie theater in Spokane, Washington. My mom told me recently that the place has long since been bulldozed, and I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness, which is sort of odd. I never liked the job all that much. But I liked watching free movies. Being that I was over 18 at the time, I was often asked stay after hours to screen movies the night before they were set to open and make sure that — I dunno — they weren’t screwy or something. This was before I became aware of midnight movies, so I thought I was part of an exclusive sub-culture of movie theater employees who got to see flicks a full 12 hours ahead of the average film-goer.
Well, in late March of ‘99, I watched a print of “The Matrix” with a few of my co-people after work. I felt so cool for having seen it before anyone else, like I’d been offered a glimpse into the future or something. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that most people really don’t give a shit about what movies I’ve seen and when. And so, I will get off this tangent.
At any rate, “The Matrix” is ten years old this month. It doesn’t seem that long, and yet, I guess a decade is about right. The film was a game-changer for action cinema. It was a movie that suddenly every subsequent actioner tried to ape. Then the sequels came along, and every action flick tried being something else. It was the “Star Wars” of the Y2K era. Oddly enough, another “Star Wars” movie was released less than two months after “The Matrix” and it felt instantly anachronistic. Audiences no longer cared about a story set “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” They wanted a vision of the near future, a dystopia lorded over by machines that have created a CGI dream state where we all remain oblivious to our enslavement.
In “The Matrix,” Keanu Reeves stars as Thomas A. Anderson, a spacey computer programmer whose job is to sit in his cubicle and stare at a blank computer screen all day; and if he’s late for this peculiar job, his boss really cracks down on him. He’s soon approached by a woman named Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss) who knows him by his computer hacker alias, Neo. Trinity and her mentor, Morpheus (Laurence Fishburne), believe Neo is “The One,” a messianic figure who can free mankind from the machines. So they extricate him from The Matrix — the computerized dream world — and teach him martial arts; kung fu is extremely necessary when beating back binary code. When Morpheus is later captured by The Agents — self-aware programs who wear expensive suits and have high foreheads — Neo and Trinity embark on a suicide mission within The Matrix to save him.
Summing up this film in a paragraph or less is extremely difficult to do. I think I was partly successful. The film isn’t simply a mindless action vehicle, though. What’s revolutionary about “The Matrix” is that the filmmakers don’t ask you to turn your brain off. The Wachowski Bros., who co-wrote and co-directed the film, are genuinely interested in engaging the audience with a little bit of philosophy between the wire-fu sequences. The whole ’90s-era “Question Reality” bumper sticker mentality is felt throughout. It doesn’t slow the movie to a halt, like it does in the two sequels, but instead the post-modern navel gazing engages viewers in a way most films try to avoid. Of course, thinking man’s action movies fell by the wayside once Bush stepped into the White House, and culturally, we all decided entertainments that made us think were caca-doodoo.
I hope we’re waking up from that trance now. The lukewarm reaction to “Watchmen” earlier this month, however, indicates that we all must’ve slept funny. But I digress.
I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to revisit a film with coherent action sequences. The fight scenes in “The Matrix” are not only breathtaking, but the shot compositions and editing actually maintain a sense of geography. In short, I could tell what was going on the whole time! I think the final third of the film maybe has too many climaxes, and yet I can hardly complain about there being too much action when it’s all put together so expertly.
Yes, the movie’s a little flabby and a little convoluted. Some of the greenscreen shots are pretty obvious. But the shot of Neo dodging gunfire in super-slow-mo “bullet time” remains one of the most iconic images of action cinema — ever. “The Matrix” was and still is a masterpiece of cyberpunk. A decade on, it’s more thrilling than most actioners released in the past year. Happy 10th birthday, “The Matrix!”
-Brad Lohan
Mar
29
When I found out that the New Bev was going to have a midnight screening of “Darkman,” I flipped. I’d never seen the movie theatrically and had been keeping my fingers crossed that one of the L.A.-area theaters would program it sooner or later. Sam Raimi’s first superhero movie is a vastly underappreciated gem that blends the modern comic book sensibilities of Burton’s “Batman” with the conventions of the classic Universal monster films of the ’30s. The title character at once the hero and the villain.
Raimi had originally wanted to adapt “The Shadow,” but Universal wasn’t interested. So he developed his own trenchcoat-clad avenger, Darkman, a scientist who diguises himself as the criminals that destroyed his life to smash their syndicate from within. The studio almost passed on the project. But Raimi ultimately got the greenlight and the film was released in 1990, a little over a year after another moody hero, Batman, had cleaned up at the box office. The movie did well enough to warrant two DTV sequels, a comic book series and four spinoff novels. Fun fact: then-unknown actress Julia Roberts was offered the female lead in the film.
Liam Neeson — in his first starring role — plays Peyton Westlake, a scientist developing a synthetic skin for burn victims. Unfortunately, the formula is sensitive to light, and the skin won’t remain stable for longer than 99 minutes. A lab explosion caused by underworld figure Robert G. Durant (Larry Drake) and his thugs leaves Westlake horribly burned. Soon Westlake reemerges as a heavily bandaged vigilante. He begins posing as different members of Durant’s gang with masks made out of his sythetic skin that always seem to dissolve at inopportune moments. Meanwhile, he desperately tries to perfect his formula, so he can return to his normal life with his girlfriend, Julie (Frances McDormand).
The film very comic book-y, and Raimi doesn’t shy away from the heightened reality of it all. The gonzo camerawork Raimi’s known for in his “Evil Dead” films is used to great effect in “Darkman.” At the screening, I was struck by how funny the movie actually is, thanks to Raimi’s gift for black humor. The scene in which Westlake breaks the carnie’s fingers nearly brought the house down. Rorschach would love this guy.
I can’t get enough of Darkman, but I think the ship has sailed on a theatrically released sequel. At least I finally got to see the original film in a packed movie house.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
27
The other day, I saw “I Love You, Man,” which is a reasonably good time at the movies. I don’t think I have a strong enough opinion about it either way to write much of a review. But, the movie turned out to be the second feature on a double-bill with “Funny People,” an upcoming Judd Apatow comedy that the trailer completely spoils the hell out of. The conventional wisdom is that trailers give away all the best moments in the movies they’re advertising. I sort of agree with that. I’d like to think that a two-hour movie has more than 90 seconds of material that’s actually worth my $10, though.
At any rate, the trailer for “Funny People” reveals every major plot point in the film. The movie’s about a famous comedian (Adam Sandler) who takes a novice stand-up (Seth Rogen) under his wing. Sandler’s character soon reveals to Rogen’s character that he has a terminal illness. We also learn that Sandler’s character is divorced and his ex-wife’s now married to a wealthy Australian (Eric Bana). The film seems to be a dramedy about humorists coping with the harsh realities they make light of on-stage. I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Adam Sandler, but I’d watch him in this. However, the trailer’s not done yet. No, Sandler’s character finds out that he’s not dying after all, which suddenly gives him a renewed sense of purpose. He wants to win back his ex (Leslie Mann). Sandler’s character and Bana’s character get into a fight, and Mann’s character is even seen having what appears to be an argument that ends their relationship.
Pretty much the only thing this movie doesn’t give away is who the Best Boy was on the picture. If you go see this movie, it’s essentially to fill in the blanks. And that’s disappointing. There’s really no reason to spoil the fact that Sandler’s character is going to live after all. The studio’s probably nervous about selling a Judd Apatow movie that isn’t a straight comedy like “40-Year-Old Virgin” or “Knocked Up,” so they want to reassure audiences that the terminal illness bit is resolved by the film’s midpoint. But I think that sucks all the drama out of everything leading up to the realization that Adam Sandler’s character will live. Or, this is a classic case of trailer misdirection and the sonofabitch is killed by Eric Bana’s character at the end of the film.
Now, that’d be pretty funny, people.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
26
My Favorite L.A. Haunts
Filed Under Books, Comics, Cult Films, Culture, Indies, Movies, Theatre, Toys | 1 Comment
I need to get out more. That’s probably what some people think about me. Thing is, I actually don’t spend very much time at home. I do stuff. I go places. I’m not into dive bars or nightclubs, though. I like places that cater to my unique tastes: cult movies, comic books, sketch comedy, arcane collectibles and so forth. I also like hamburgers.
That said, here’s a list of my top 10 favorite haunts in the L.A. area:
This is easily my favorite movie house in L.A. I’ve been to more midnight movies here than I can count. The most recent one I saw was “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” They also show very obscure art films in extremely limited release. I can’t wait to see “Anvil” next month.
Looking for hard-to-find CDs or DVDs? I’d recommend Amoeba. Short on cash? Sell them your used DVDs and CDs for store credit or some greenbacks. Unfortunately, they used to have a more generous buyback policy than they do now. A few years ago, I walked away with almost $200 for a stack of ill-informed blind buys they gladly took off my hands. More recently, I left with about $18. Still, their selection of rare and used DVDs is significantly better than the bargain bin at your local Blockbuster.
This is where Paul Dini and Joss Whedon buy their comics. I know because I’ve seen them there. If you’ve never heard of them, well, you probably don’t read comics, watch cartoons or like cult TV shows. At any rate, HOS also knocks at least 10% off your purchases, and you don’t even need to have a pull file. Someone even spraypainted “Who Watches the WATCHMF” on the outside of their building. I don’t advocate vandalism, nor poor spelling, but that’s still kind of cool.
Right next door to the Nuart is the best video store in all of Los Angeles. Where else will you find a place that has a “Charles Bronson” section? Cinefile categorizes their movies by filmmaker, subgenre and even “Holy F***ing S***!” titles. This is where real cineastes rent or buy films. Brett Ratner goes here, too.
I’ll drive all the way from the Westside to Hollywood to catch a movie at the Dome every now and then. The last one was, of course, “Watchmen.” Here’s a theater that has some great filmmaker Q&As and screening series. I also found a book called “Playboy: Redheads” in their gift shop once. I couldn’t put it down!
I don’t like shopping in big box bookstores. I find their horror and film selections to be lacking. Oh, Barnes & Noble has a lot of books, but none that are rare or used. Dark Delicacies carries all manner of out-of-print titles, and the staff is immensely helpful. They also line up some great author and filmmaker signings. I got Lloyd Kaufman to autograph my copy of “Toxic Avenger: The Novel,” a book that’s quite a fetching read!
I don’t understand my fascination with the 1950s. Maybe it’s because my parents were born back then. I have no idea. Whatever the reason, I have nostalgia for a period in which I never lived. Fortunately, there’s a Cafe ’50s just a short walk from my apartment, and in my opinion, it’s the best in L.A.; there’s one in Venice and another in Sherman Oaks. I almost always get a hamburger and an Oreo cookie milkshake — with frozen yogurt instead of ice cream, of course. You can even play board games like Connect Four while waiting for your food. Fun fact: I really suck at Connect Four!
The sketch comedy shows at the Groundlings are always funnier than any Judd Apatow bromance picture now playing in theaters. There are some incredibly hysterical unknown actors — and a few known ones — performing either improv or scripted material every night. I personally prefer the scripted shows; improv can be a mixed bag.
Buying back your childhood? Well, if you’re constantly being outbid on eBay, try Blast From the Past. Here you’ll find all manner of collectibles from your childhood that you broke or wantonly discarded. The toys on the pegs here are way cooler than all the “Ben 10″ bullshit I see at Toys ‘R Us now.
The Third Street Promenade isn’t just a homeless talent show. Yes, there you’ll probably see the fat guy who paints himself silver and wears silver clothes and wants you to give him money because he can stand really still. But you’ll also find the Puzzle Zoo, another great place to pick up hard-to-find action figures from your childhood. It’s definitely a better way to spend your money than giving it to some d-bag with a guitar who sings U2 songs that I don’t even like when Bono sings them.
So those are the places that I spent most of my free time and my discretionary income. Check ‘em out.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
25
What Needs to Happen in “Bond 23″
Filed Under Blockbusters, Movies | Leave a Comment
I picked up the “Quantum of Solace” DVD last night. I like the movie okay, but it’s not a Bond film I think I’ll revisit all that often. Released two years after “Casino Royale” (the best 007 movie made in my lifetime), it feels like a rush job. The movie simply careens from one confusing action sequence to the next without spending very much time on the plot. But once you learn that the villain Dominic Greene — easily the weakest central baddie in the series’ history — is scheming to control the Bolivian water supply(?!), it’s easy to see why the filmmakers cared more about the action.
The best thing about “Casino Royale” is all the time it takes to develop James Bond as a character. Daniel Craig makes the role his own and there’s so much potential for him in subsequent films to continue surprising us. What’s so frustrating about “Quantum of Solace” is how he’s given little to do beyond hitting his marks. Bond’s obviously still anguished over Vesper Lynd’s death in the previous film, but his grief is only touched upon. More time is devoted to the Cirque du Soleil acrobatics during the scaffold fight than to character development.
I don’t think one underwhelming entry signals a trend. Craig is certainly not going to bow out after two films like Timothy Dalton. He’s locked in for at least three more pictures. And I think the next film will really define his legacy. “Goldfinger” is the third, and perhaps the best, Sean Connery outing as Bond. “From Russia With Love,” Roger Moore’s third appearance as Bond, is also undeniably his best film in the series. Conversely, Pierce Brosnan’s third Bond installment, “The World Is Not Enough,” is only slightly less stupid than “Die Another Day.”
So what needs to happen in “Bond 23″ that’ll guarantee the franchise doesn’t simply become the British version of “The Bourne Identity?” Here are my suggestions:
Bond Must Be a British Gentleman. Bond is able to usurp whatever damn foreigner he’s pitted against for one very simple reason: he is a perfect gentleman. He wears the nicest clothes, drives the best cars, drinks the finest alcoholic beverages, smokes a custom-made brand of cigarettes and doesn’t cheat in friendly competitions. Yes, he’s a womanizer, too, but nobody’s perfect. At any rate, the next film must continue to establish Bond as, first and foremost, the perfect English gentleman. The rough edges the Craig’s Bond has in the first two films should be filed down by now. Why? Well, that leads to my next point.
Bond Must Be Ruthless. This is something that is front and center in the most recent two films — Bond’s ruthlessness. He’s a man who’s very capable of killing and will do so coldly and efficiently. What separates him from the Terminator, though, is his ruthlessness must have a counterpoint. And that’s why he must also be a British gentleman. Beneath the veneer of a well-dressed Englishman is an effective killing machine. It’s a fascinating dichotomy that shouldn’t be downplayed.
Bond Must Be Vulnerable. Bond has to remain empathetic in spite of his cold-blooded nature. He’s experienced some sort of closure regarding Vesper, confident in the knowledge that her former lover is now imprisoned and being tortured; this goes back to my earlier point about his ruthlessness. Moving forward, Bond will get involved with countless Bond Girls. The films should take a cue from the books and emphasize the emotional toll this has on him. Bond’s nature won’t allow him to ever settle down and get married. However, the thought will cross his mind from time to time. In the end, he’ll part ways with whomever he’s with, and it will have an effect on how he feels about himself.
Bond Must Be MI6’s Best Agent. That being said, he cannot go rogue. Bond’s gone rogue at one point or another in the last three films. He also went rogue in the second Dalton film. More than half of the Bond pictures released in the past twenty years have seen Bond as a rogue agent. I blame the rise in popularity of cop movies with heroes who don’t play by the rules. At any rate, Bond should take his orders from M at the top of the next film and follow them to the best of his abilities, sometimes begrudgingly so.
Bond Must Have a Worthy Opponent. A Bond Villain doesn’t need to have some gimmick like a claw for a hand or metal teeth or a third nipple. But it doesn’t hurt. What’s important for a Bond Villain is that he present a unique challenge to Bond. In “Casino Royale,” Le Chiffre is an expert gambler who Bond has to beat at poker to prevent millions of dollars from winding up in the hands of terrorists. The concept is bizarre, but basically a distillation of the entire film series. Bond is always matching wits and playing against the odds to overcome some evil threat. That their drama takes place around a card table and not in an underground lair is of little consequence. The problem with Dominic Greene in “Quantum of Solace” is that his plot was too meh-worthy for it to seem like Bond should even bother with him. Also, when you’re Bond Villain is shorter than your Bond Girl (and he’s not Herve Villechaize), it just doesn’t make for an exciting climactic showdown.
According to IMDb, “Bond 23″ is set for release in 2011 and might be based on the short story “007 in New York.” I know I read that one a couple years ago, but I remember bugger-all about it. It was that good! I’d like to see Bond in the States. He hasn’t been to New York since “Live and Let Die,” when Roger Moore visited Harlem. Although “Quantum of Solace” doesn’t quite stick the landing, I’m still eager to see where things to from here.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
24
Drat, Winnie Cooper Got Married
Filed Under Culture, TV | Leave a Comment
Back in 2005, I went to a midnight showing of “Revenge of the Sith” at the ArcLight. The line for concessions was ridiculous, but I simply had to have popcorn and soda. So I stood among all the bloated Jedi and lanky Stormtroopers for what seemed like an eternity. Not everyone was in costume, though. Danica McKellar, better known as Winnie Cooper on “The Wonder Years,” was in line behind me, looking as adorable as ever.
Of course, I had a crush on Danica McKellar throughout my adolescence, as I grew up watching “The Wonder Years.” It’s one of those shows that I’m very disappointed has never wound up on DVD. But I’m even more disappointed that Danica McKellar’s now married, according to Yahoo. The only thing better than having Winnie Cooper on DVD would be having Winnie Cooper as a wife. Alas, she’s married to some dork.
I vaguely remember the final episode of “The Wonder Years,” where I believe there was some ambiguity about whether or not Kevin Arnold and Winnie Cooper finally got together. I remember the voiceover said something about Winnie having a kid while Kevin was away, but I’m unclear as to whether or not the child was Kevin’s. I guess I could go to Wikipedia to get the skinny. Waiting for the damn DVD seems to be out of the question. Life just sucks sometimes.
On a side note, Crystal McKellar — Becky Slater on “The Wonder Years” — might still be available.
-Brad Lohan
Below is a clip from the show. Watch and feel as creepy as I did.
Mar
23
Why Did Alex Proyas Direct “Knowing?”
Filed Under Cult Films, Movies | Leave a Comment
Every so often, filmmakers surprise you by taking on projects that seem to be out of their comfort zone. They’ll challenge themselves with something risky that’s either incredibly successful or the movie that has them sent to director jail for life without the possibility of parole. It’s rare, but there are times when a film won’t quite hit and won’t quite miss — like “Watchmen,” for example — and the filmmaker can walk away unscathed. At any rate, filmmakers usually stick with what they’re good at and avoid projects that could potentially blow everyone away or bury their career.
If a filmmaker’s good in a number of different genres or one specifically, it’s not really disappointing when he keeps doing the same thing over and over again. But it’s not all that exciting, either. I’ve passed on a couple of the more recent Ridley Scott and Tim Burton movies because they just seemed so samey. Filmmakers should constantly be trying to evolve. Steven Spielberg’s grown up. There’s no reason why George Lucas can’t.
But what about the directors who aren’t household names? Take Alex Proyas. Who the hell is he? Well, he’s the director of “The Crow.” He also made “Dark City,” a movie that Roger Ebert loved so much, he recorded his own commentary track for the DVD. I know I’ve seen “Dark City,” but I was very drunk at the time. So about the only think I remember about the film is the title. Still, I absolutely love “The Crow” and consider it to be one of the quintessential films of the ’90s. Being Proyas’ first film, it shows he has a lot of potential as a director.
So what went wrong with him? Last weekend, “Knowing” hit theaters. Directed by Proyas, it stars Nicolas Cage — who used to be literally my favorite film actor — as a math nerd who discovers a coded message from the past that predicts the end of the world. On paper, I guess the movie sounds much more interesting than the film’s crap trailer led me to believe. The movie currently has a 23% freshness rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Of course, Roger Ebert gave it four stars; he totally wants to make out with Alex Proyas. I have not seen the film, nor will I. I believe you can form an opinion of a movie based on its shitty ad campaign. I’m not one of those schmucks who insists on seeing something that looks patently stupid before he can justify his negative opinion of it. If the best stuff from “Knowing” is in the trailer, then I’m sure I’m not missing anything.
In the 15 years since “The Crow” was released, Alex Proyas has made “Dark City,” an indie called “Garage Days” that I’d completely forgotten about, and two studio pictures: “I, Robot” and “Knowing.” To date, his resume is fairly unremarkable. I saw “I, Robot” mostly because of Proyas’ involvement. But he did the picture for 20th Century Fox — the least director-friendly studio in the world. Going in, I should’ve known it would be a weak effort. And I think therein lies the problem with Proyas’ output.
Alex Proyas is not Tim Burton. He’s not a director who’s well known. You won’t see “An Alex Proyas Film” on the poster or in the trailer. That said, he probably doesn’t have the clout to get a film made. So he has to go hat in hand to the studios and offer up his services as a gun-for-hire. Studios love to flirt with edgy filmmakers but will ultimately micromanage the hell out of everything. A movie like “I, Robot” might be successful, but not because of Proyas’ compromised vision. It’s because it’s a Will Smith sci-fi/action movie that anybody could’ve directed.
“Knowing” doesn’t really strike me as a movie that Alex Proyas really challenged himself with. It’s a paycheck film. Paycheck movies are necessary evils, I suppose. I just wish Proyas would take home a hefty paycheck for making a movie I want to see.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
20
Jetfire Has a Bum Leg
Filed Under Movies | Leave a Comment
I’ve been unable to jog for the past week or so due to shinsplints (or maybe stress fractures!) and thinking that a cane might not be such a bad investment. My lower left leg feels like I was paid a visit by some loan sharks. It’s getting better, but I still have a bit of a limp. I definitely could use some sort of walking stick — preferably one with a question mark on the handle — until the stiffness and the pain have gone away.
For whatever reason, Jetfire in the new “Transformers” movie will walk with a cane, according to Chud. I don’t think he’s been hobbled by painful shinsplints, but rather some old war wound. I guess it he could be lamer (both literally and figuratively) and have to use a walker. At any rate, it’s bizarre that a robot who sustained some non-life-threatening injury just simply couldn’t be repaired. But whatever.
I remember owning the original Jetfire toy as a kid. He was pretty impressively sized, a fighter plane that towered over the other characters. If I remember the cartoon mythos correctly, the Decepticons found him frozen in ice and defrosted him. Jetfire had been former friend and colleague of the treacherous Starscream — before Starscream joined the Decepticons — and was drafted by Megatron to battle the Autobots for a short period before Jetfire ultimately switched sides. What I enjoyed the most about that episode is the bit of insight we get into Starscream’s character. Starscream was formerly a scientist who became a warrior because “It’s much more exciting.” I don’t know why, but that line slayed me when I revisited the episode a half-dozen years ago.
All that said, Jetfire wasn’t some crippled old man in the cartoon. As we all know, being frozen in ice will preserve you indefinitely. I guess in the new movie, Jetfire’s been slumbering on Earth for an extended period of time. Maybe he just slept funny.
-Brad Lohan
Mar
19
Since the collapse of Indie 103.1, I’ve been forced to listen to some of the corporately-owned radio stations that broadcast here in L.A. You’d think that living in the entertainment nexus of the universe means I ought to have no trouble finding a dozen other half-decent channels. This is not the case. Radio stations in Los Angeles are uniformly awful. All of the worst and most overplayed tripe that I can’t believe people ever thought was any good is what I hear whenever I turn on an FM station. I can’t believe there hasn’t been a revolution. Who in the hell actually still wants to hear this shit?
It’s high time that someone called for certain songs to be fired into the heart of the sun. Every MP3 player, CD, cassette tape or LP boasting any one of these tracks should be confiscated, placed on board a space shuttle and banished from the planet Earth as soon as humanly possible. I can no longer suffer the ill effects of listening to this miserable crap. It is no longer culturally significant, and there are a quadrillion other songs out there that are criminally underplayed.
I imagine I’ll probably amend this list down the line, but for the time being, here are the 25 worst offenders:
“Enter Sandman” by Metallica
“Ironic” by Alanis Morissette
“Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana
“All I Wanna Do” by Sheryl Crow
“Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
“Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground
“1999″ by Prince
“Since You’ve Been Gone” by Kelly Clarkson
“Time of Your Life” by Green Day
“Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard
“Clocks” by Coldplay
“Real World” by Matchbox Twenty
“Spiderwebs” by No Doubt
“Complicated” by Avril Lavigne
“Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls
“This Love” by Maroon 5
“Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down” by Fall Out Boy
“Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down
“Crawling” by Linkin Park
“Get the Party Started” by Pink
“Photograph” by Nickelback
“Take a Picture” by Filter
“Drive” by Incubus
“Such Great Heights” by The Postal Service
“Today” by Smashing Pumpkins
I’m also okay with shooting the artists into space along with their music. These songs have long since outlived their usefulness and seem to only exist to drive me into a blind rage. I can’t imagine anyone cranks up the volume when one of the above-mentioned tracks comes on the radio. If you do, maybe you should book a trip to the sun as well.
-Brad Lohan